EXERCISE

I was at the gym this morning. I still find it so difficult to tolerate looking at the muscular men that are around me. I like looking at them but I know that in doing so, I will only be caught in the loop of being quite self-critical. I can’t help comparing my body to theirs and coming up with all the ways in which my body does not measure up. I am working really hard at trying to gain more muscle mass. My trainer is generating workout routines that are targeting specific muscle groups, and in all fairness, the workouts are doing what they are supposed to. However, I am rarely satisfied. Yes, I do feel some sense of accomplishment after completing a routine and I can observe the “swelling” of my upper body muscles. But the enlargement lasts for a short period of time. It is only during this short period that I am able to tolerate looking at myself in the mirror while changing my shirt in the locker room. Getting up the courage and tolerance to change in the locker room in front of other men and the mirrors is yet another important entry detail to be added a bit later.

Articles within fitness magazines, and advice from nutritionists, athletes, and trainers all relay the importance of diet when working out and especially when attempting to build muscles. I know from my own experience and from my own readings that it is indeed important. The problem is or was . . . well, I guess still is (but to a lesser degree) . . . that I am afraid to eat as much as I should because of the calories that appropriately and unavoidably accompany food. My fear of being overweight and my body image issues have certainly assisted with my restriction of food. I used several forms of exercise to balance and mediate the calories that ingested. My modus operandi at the gym was to complete 45 to 60 minutes of intense cardiovascular activity and then conclude with 20 minutes of weight training. Although my trainer was always telling me that I was doing way too much cardio and not eating enough – I found it quite difficult to stop. I just imagined myself being overweight again – as I had been through childhood and adolescence. I would not return to that person and all of the other issues that were related to being fat. At least as a thin person I felt more acceptable in society and within the gay community (more on this in later entries). Sadly, the gym was not the only form of exercise I engaged in. In addition to going to the gym five times a week, I would also walk for miles and sometimes follow-up gym activity with visits to the park where I would run a few miles. I did this type of routine for years and indeed got thinner but certainly not buffed as I had hoped. I remember being so proud of myself as I witnessed clothes fitting more loosely then before. I took great pride in the fact that I could easily say “no” to savory foods when others around me could not. I also recall the time when I started to become angry at the pleasure others took in eating when I could not (more on this in later entry). The obsession with getting muscular continued and my self-identity became even more enmeshed with body image and exercise.

My workouts these days contain a smaller amount of cardio and have more emphasis placed on weight training. They are better balanced and I feel more energized than I felt in the past when I was truly exhausted from the sheer amount and intensity of the cardio workouts.

I have written a lot – and there are many subjects embedded within this one that merit more attention. I will write soon.

I look forward to hearing from you.

Stay well,

MBI