Food and More About Me

Ever since childhood, I have had a dysfunctional relationship with food. I ate very little at meal times, and then only some particular foods. This fact did not stand too well with my parents. Food is an extremely important symbol in the Italian culture. It is used to communicate and express feelings of love, hospitality and care. Many familial transactions take place around a setting where food is in some ways the ultimate arbiter. Therefore, my parents interpreted my temperamental eating habits as a personal assault perpetrated on their culinary talents and their skills as caregivers. To remedy the situation, my parents consulted with a physician about what they deemed to be my “poor” appetite. ” Although I was not medically diagnosed as being mal-nourished or below a normal body weight, I was still placed on medication that induced appetite. The intake of appetite stimulants coincided with episodes of verbal and physical abuse in school.

Fellow students and teachers were attacking me because my behavior was seen as atypical for a boy. My gender non-conformity created numerous incidents that placed me consistently on the margins of the school. While I achieved high grades, I was never fully accepted as a “normal” child. As episodes of abuse escalated, my need for food exceeded normal limits. I seemed to eat without any regard with what I was ingesting. Food was the brick and mortar used to shield me from the pain of the verbal and physical abuse. As my psychological identity was being annihilated by the stinging actions of my abusers, I was slowly waging combat against them with the only means I knew – food. I gradually built a fortress by increasing the external surface area of my physical being. As childhood turned into adolescence, I continued to over eat and the abusive incidences escalated to include attacks on my weight and appearance.

The years of verbal assault on my sexual orientation made me choose a road of self imposed isolation. In later adolescence and my early twenties I started therapy with a certified social worker. It was in therapy that I started to learn of my poor relationship with food, and the way I was using it to sublimate the feelings stirred by the teasing incidences. As I slowly took steps toward accepting my sexuality, I gradually started to balance my relationship with food, and commenced an exercise regiment. Feeling more confident in my identity and appearance, I started to engage with the homosexual community in hope of finally being wholly accepted by a social group. However, much to my horror and frustration, I discovered that the gay community also employed strict codes of standardization as to body image (appearance) and behavior. Not fitting neatly into these idealized normatives, I again found myself marginalized and isolated. Stimulated and infused with a barrage of images of beautiful men with muscular and toned bodies, I once again turned to food as a way of sublimating my feelings of loneliness, rejection and anger. I started to restrict many of the foods that once had given me some pleasure, and I also increased my exercise regiment to an excessive level. All this was done so that I could resemble the images that were being shown as the archetype of masculine homosexuality.

Can anyone relate? I would really like to hear from you.
Stay well, MBI