Mirror II

While at the gym, I often look at men as they stare at themselves in the mirror. I try to understand if they like what they are looking at. For some, it seems as if the reflection is a positive one, for others, the reflection causes a shrug and a renewed intensity in working out. The gym’s many mirrors unfortunately open the field for me to scrutinize parts of my body. Although I am pretty well covered, my arms are exposed and for me that usually invites self-criticism related to the size of my chest and arm muscles. As I look at myself, I am always hopeful (this feeling gets replaced by despair, which in turn get replaced by hope) that the muscularity in my upper torso will increase. I work out quite intensively on that part of my body. I even meet with a trainer to ensure that I am doing all of the possible exercises to increase muscularity and firmness. As I work out and look at myself in the mirror, I habitually use nearby muscular men as points of comparison. I am usually quite judgmental that my body does not compare to their athleticism and muscular beauty. I feel less than and deflated. I don’t measure up to being the man’s man they seem to symbolize and that our society venerates all too frequently. I desperately try not to give in to the incessant criticism that my mind can blindly and easily hurl at me. I try to stop the mental insults before I am left too down in despair. Sometimes I am successful and am able to inject a moderate amount of hope in between the insults, thereby lessening the blows. Other times, I am not as lucky and am left really feeling sad. When I am stuck in that level of self-defeat, it is very difficult to have any hope that my body will change. Hate and anger start welling up and progressively replace (or possible disguise) the despair. At this time, it is very easy for me to increase the intensity of my work out by endeavoring to lift weights that are far too heavy or engage in cardio-vascular activity for a longer period of time. I am caught in this hate that aggressively wants to punish my body for not conforming to the physical prescripts I expect.

Can anyone relate? I would really like to know.

Stay well, MBI