The Mirror

There are many times that looking in the mirror is still quite difficult. I can’t always tolerate what is being reflected. Too confront my image, I must sometimes squint so that I am not seeing everything as it is – so clear. By squinting, I obscure the reflection and can consequently tolerate a bit more of my body. Mirror issues stem back to my early twenties, when I was able to bare my facial image but could not look at my body. I was angry that all the exercise and dieting I did, never seemed to get my body as toned and muscular as I wanted. My being fat during childhood and early adolescence truly impacted my physical development. I stewed over the thought that my skin would never be as taut as I would like. I felt and still feel in some way lesser than (the other). The feelings I had about seeing the reflection of my body, slowly enveloped the images of my face as my hair progressively got thinner. Anger and sadness were mixed in one poisonous concoction as I pined over my hair loss. I felt that my facial image was suffering the same fate allotted to my body image – all was a horror. There were many months when I would have to cover mirrors in my apartment so that I would not spend time being cruel to myself in front of them. It worked for some time, but not many. I had this underlying urge to be cruel and face the immense sadness and anger that welled up inside me as I looked at my image.

I remember one moment – when I was six or seven – looking at my body in a mirror after having taken a bath and really liking what I saw. I was skinny and nicely tanned. I was excited at seeing my brown wavy hair and my young lean body. Maybe the years of separation between that moment and the present have skewed my reflection a bit, but my holding on to the memory is very important. That recollection is one of the rare moments that I looked in a mirror and was happy with what I looked like. Yes, there have been instances during my adult life (the present) when I have been content with how I look, but I never experienced the same elation that I experienced long ago.


Can anyone relate? Please let me know.
Stay well, MBI