The need to constantly compare is compulsively strong. I am always feeling as if I need to assess my body as it looks against another man’s body – most especially of those bodies I am most attracted to. There is a mind game that takes place between the healthy part of me and that which I have labeled the dysfunctional part. They battle between what is seemingly positive thinking (leaving me feeling okay about myself) and that which I know will only lead to more heartache and low esteem. I cannot seem to avoid the slippery slope especially when I am around a man who I have judged to possess a nice body. There is an automatic trigger that makes me center and obsess on him. I start to mentally calculate his muscularity, tone and overall appearance. I don't give him a score - it isn't anything so analytical or mathematical. Rather, I immediately am able to mentally hold an image of him in my mind and use that figure as a point of comparison with the representation I have of my own body. Many friends have told me that the image I hold of myself is skewed and intellectually I can certainly understand it but I am unable to fully carry it through so as to stop the mental process of comparison. In focusing on the good body of a man - I have a tendency of staring but will try to do so without the person knowing it. Usually the process happens intermittently as I pretend to look elsewhere. I am studying every thing about the guy - his chest, legs, arms, face, and package. My gaze attempts to drink him in – as if to internalize him so that he will always be a part of me; that he is me in some way and I him. By mentally possessing the image in my mind I feel a part of the all male club that I have always been excluded from. Of course, intellectually I am painfully aware that this very act of scrutiny all the more excludes me because with every ounce of my energy I use to study them, I am building a greater barrier between them and me. I am feeling more and more as the "other". By placing so much attention on the beautiful body, I am casting my own body aside and making it insignificant.
As I progress up my 30s, I wonder how much physical improvement I can expect. Am I foolish to think that I will have a nice body . . . one day? Here I am working so very had to achieve the (perhaps) unachievable. Is it hope that keeps me exercising with such disciplined vigor, foolishness, or dysfunction? I have an inclination that it is a combination of all three. Yet, I persevere.
So much emphasis is placed on sex and bodily satisfaction, I feel quite divorced from the whole system. The issues I have about my body keep me from freely engaging in sexual activity. Other gay men I know readily partake in casual sexual encounters. I don’t. I know they are not acting in responsibly or healthy (physical and emotionally), but I readily admit that physical contact is important. I know its missing from my life and I greatly yearn for it. The emphasis placed on physical beauty and the way in which I have grasped on to that idealization makes me believe that sex can only be enjoyed by the young and beautiful. Intellectually I know this not to be the case, but I am often so affected by the concept that it becomes difficult to imagine otherwise. I am always caught in this bind of false realizations. One being that youth is behind me and so is the chance for a meaningful relationship. I did not fully take advantage of my youth and now those days and the opportunities they may have presented are gone. In youth, I was too closed, confused, scared and bewildered to all that was around me. I did not know how to navigate the waters of my sexuality and so I denied and suppressed a great deal of any evident sexual maturation. I did not want to connect with any of those feelings. Doing so would only bring me closer to a part of the self that I could not yet tolerate or fully observe.
There is so much more on this topic to write. I will do so in later entries.
Can anyone relate? I would really like to hear from you.
Stay well, MBI
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2 comments:
June 21-2008:
Homosexuals That Strive To Attain The Stereotypical Physical Appeal!
The dilemma that most Gay/Homosexual men face with 'self image,' hinges primarily from one's formative years or upbringing.
Most, if not all Gay or Homosexual men have been oriented from childhood, to confirm with the heterosexual stereotypes for what is consider 'beautiful, petite, desirable, masculine, and sexually appealing.
These values are also incorporated in the Gay or Homosexual life and lifestyle too. This is something that we all have to face square in the face, and admit that it influences all that we think and feel about ourselves.
Having said that, I understand your dilemma about your 'body image or self-esteem' issues. That is also something that most Gay or Homosexual men and women face on a daily basis. Until individually, he or she realizes that each individual MUST acknowledge that 'No Image or Physical Physique' transcends what all males MUST look like in every culture.
And allowing oneself to be influenced by magazine models, beefcakes, weight lifters, and super models, will only re-inforce those stereotypes deeper in oneself.
Until every Gay or Homosexual male or female could accept mentally, spiritually, and emotionally, that he or she is an INDIVIDUAL, with his or her own unique traits or appeal. Then trying to measure up to the imagined or perceived stereotypes will always be a problem for you.
Om Shanti.
Derryck.
NYC.
Derryck,
Thank you very much for your comment. I certainly appreciate your viewpoint and quite agree. We must all strive to achieve a greater sense of self and by so doing gain appreciation for our unique beauty. I am getting there – albeit slowly. My blog chronicles the struggles that I encounter in following that path, and it especially reviews the turmoil that I have experienced with food, exercise and body image.
I hope that by speaking about my experiences, that other men will also share their wisdom (as you have) on self-perception and related issues.
Thanks again and I hope to hear from you in the future.
Stay well, MBI.
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