FOOD IV

As I mentioned in my previous entry, food had become a close ally in my need to build a fortress from all those that tried very hard to break me. Indeed, I binged in a sub-conscious effort to not feel the total destruction that the verbal and physical antics of both children and adults had on my life. Each time I needed comfort in those hours of despair, I turned to food - my own reliable companion. I did not have close friends - most took part in calling me fag at one time or another. So they could not be trusted. I could not turn to teachers. They witnessed what I was going through. They saw how how many times during the day I would be taunted by other kids and even some adults - but they did nothing. I could not turn to my family because of the shame connected to what others were saying. I was also scared that they would blame me or not take my experience seriously. Therefore food became my arbiter - I learned to communicate through it. Instead of verbalizing my anger and pain - I ate food. The overeating also had an additional benefit; kids now called me "fat" instead of "fag." At least being called "fat" I could understand - it was noticeable and in the moment. The other names related to sexuality; it hurt but I could not so readily or easily understand it.

I continued to constantly binge until my late teens. In retrospect, I am quite amazed that I survived the experience without turning violent on myself or/and others. I did have suicidal thoughts but luckily I was either (or both) too neurotic or scared to go through with it. I came close several times - though. Imagine the state I was in to fantasize and plan out my death. The level of despair was great (but I will write more about that in a different entry).

At age 16, I weighed 280 pounds and decided to go on a crash diet. I had used food for over a decade as a way to quiet the internal storms that were being triggered by various physical, emotional and environmental factors. It had worked . . . for a while. As with any "good" thing, it did not last forever. The verbal abuse directed at my weight started to increse as I put on more and more pounds. The guys in school ( I attended an all boy school) were being really cruel. Not only were they calling me names like "pig", "hog", "fatso" etc., but they were starting to draw pictures of me in ugly characterizations. My parents and their friends were also starting to comment on my weight. It seemed that I had crossed the boundary of when eating was not considered a good thing anymore. These negatives and an emerging sexual curiosity gave me the incentive to go on the strict crash diet. Food was to now be an enemy. My long dear friend who accompanied me through many lonely journies through vastly depressing moments was to be turned away. How was I to deal with all my feelings if food was not going be the comfortable source? I was to use the restriction of food as the conrol mechanism for all the feelings that I could not yet process. By not taking in food - I was not taking in the names and bullying being hurled at me. The lessening of food and the increase in exercise was going to mediate the budding feelings of attraction I had for the same sex. As I became attracted to some of the guys around me - I exercised or restricted my intake of food more. I did not want to fully take in the fact that I was having those types of feelings for guys. That would validate the abusers. I also thought in having those feelings that the abusers had a right to call me those names. Remember - all this processing occurred on a sub-consious level. I only discovered these things after years of self analysis and therapy.

My relationship with food and with exercise hit even stronger levels as I acknowledged more and more certain parts of the self.


Does this resonate for anyone? I would really like to know.

Stay well, MBI