FOOD V

After the crash diet experienced in my late teens, I spent a few years fluctuating in weight. I would lose some pounds and then gain some of them back. However, I made certain to not return to the 280 pounds I was during my early teens - my exercise routine also helped with that endeavor. However, it was the "coming out" process and all that embroils with self, others and community - that drastically changed my relationship to food . . and exercise.

I thought acknowlegding my homosexuality would in fact give me some internal peace, which would subsequently place me in a better place mentally and emotionally. I thought my erratic relationshp with food was due to my being "closeted." I had binged to offset the gay related bullying, and to achieve some mode of acceptance. I dieted to offset the damage of the bullying, to both acknowledge my budding sexuality and to reign it in, and to reclaim acceptance societally and familialy. Coming out did not give me the peace I had so thought to obtain. Yes, I was happy to finally reach some level of self-acceptance, but I was not prepared for the flood of emotions that drowned me at every new turn.

At first, I did not come out to any family members. Therefore, holding that secret created a great deal of anxiety and also made me painfully aware that as long as I kept an important part of my life a secret, I could never fully obtain the acceptance I desired. I was used to not communicating with my parents, but now I was aware of just how much I was not sharing with them. Before - when I was hiding from myself - I too was in the dark with just how much I was not acknowledging. I turned to the gay community for help and with finding some kind of extended family, but I did not find would sought. Yes, I did find different brochures and certain small seminar like structures that explained what would be encountered in the coming out process, but nothing prepared me for the strict codes of "lookism" I was to observe.

Since I had always been so afraid to accept my being gay, I did everything possible to avoid that sector of the community. I never ventured anywhere "gay" related, nor did I get close to any of the gay people I worked with. I could not be seen with them because that would implicate me (so I thought). Therefore, when I came out and ventured into the gay "getto" I was shocked as to how similar many of the gay men looked. I realized very quickly that muscles, a toned body, and a sculpted face were top attractiveness points. I also realized that I did not conform to the standard in any way. It was this realization that exacerbated feelings of physical inadequacy. I was angry for not fitting in by looking like what was being propogated as attractive, but I was angrier still that I was attracted to what was being billed as so. The inner tension of being attracted to the celebrated look and of not looking that way caused incredible emotional turmoil. I was filled with anger, sadness, confusion, hostility and anxiety. I did not know how to relate to all these feelings, and I certainly did not know how to identify or communicate them to anyone - even my own therapist at the time. Consequently, I turned to the only communicative method I knew - food and exercise. By retricting the food, I would moderate the ebbs and flows of my erratic emotional state. The restiction of food and the increase in exercise helped me navigate all the emotions that welled up from my interactions with the gay community and gay men and they helped me deal with all the feelings that came in from the past. I recall how restricting food and actually feeling the pangs of hunger seemed to quench this internal frenzy. The pangs for food quieted the anger the gnawed me internally. The anger that was still not fully expressed for being teased and beaten as a child and adeolescent. The anger for the years of an unfulfilled childhood. As those feelings were triggered from incidences around me or by remembrances - I restricted more food and or increaed the amount of exercise.

I realize this entry was quite intense. If you should have any questions - I would love to hear from you.

stay well, MBI