FOOD VII - CHEWING AND SPITTING CONTINUED

I reasoned that the chewing and spitting technique was what I used so to not take in calories and fat, but it was something much deeper than that. It had to be, because it was too harsh of a method and it was felt too viscerally not to be connected with my emotions. With the help of therapy, I started noticing that I turned to the foods that would then prompt chewing and spitting behavior when I was being taxed or positively excited at work, school or in my personal relationships. By stuffing my mouth with three or four chocolate bars, chewing until each piece was broken down and I tasted the hot swirled mixture of chocolate and caramel in my mouth, swallowing a bit of it, and then spitting out the rest into a napkin, I was relieving the anxiety triggered by whatever incident had arisen. The chewing and spitting was the way I chose to communicate the intensity of my anxious feelings.

Let me explain further: An incident occurs such as a positive acknowledgement at work and school. While I am grateful for the attention and appreciate the feedback, I am also frightened by it. Feelings of success and happiness are unfamiliar. They are not the typical emotions that I have been surrounded by for much of my life. Although I strive to integrate them within my daily existence and have them become more permanent fixtures in my emotional repertoire, I am nonetheless overwhelmed and confused when they do arise. Taken by these thoughts, I am no longer walking on solid secure ground. Instead, the world swirls around me as if I was living a surreal existence. A concoction of anxiety and excitement builds within me, but it is subdued and simultaneously overpowered by a foreshadowed doom. Dark feelings tinged with expectation start to permeate every thought. To ease my mind, I turn to comfort food and stuff my mouth with whatever sweet chocolate pieces I can find. Chewing the chocolate gives me a sense of relief, some control, and uneasily – some pleasure. As I chew the sweets, I think about the triggers. I can still feel the anxiety that the triggers cause, but now I am at a safe distance. As I chew, I begin to realize just how much I have stuffed in my mouth, and immediately, as if on automatic pilot, my mind calculates the possible fat and calories my mouthful contains. I start to stress at the high number the calculation has yielded. At the same time, pangs of guilt make their presence. I start blaming myself for turning to chewing and spitting as a way of coping with the overwhelming feelings rather than being strong enough to handle the triggers as they come up. I feel guilty for wasting food, since I know deep down I will not be swallowing all of it. Once the inside of my mouth is coated with enough melted chocolate, I am ready to swallow. . .a bit. Swallowing relieves the guilt I feel for the act of spitting it out. Swallowing also symbolically allows me to take in the feelings triggered by the episode in a manner that I am more comfortable with. It makes me acknowledge that I am strong enough to handle the incident, its feelings and all the underlying triggers associated with the past. Once I have swallowed a bit, I am ready to quickly spit out the rest into a napkin. This act is symbolic of the inability to fully integrate with the feelings engaged by the incident. It brings me back to reality again. My connection with guilt resumes.

Of course all of this has only become clear to me through years of internal reflection and therapy.

Does anyone relate?

Stay well, MBI