SEX I

A discussion of body image cannot exclude sex. While sexual research and surveys indicate that the best sex takes place in one’s mind, arguments can be made that the body can be a worthwhile tool for the mind to exploit during such intimate (or not so intimate) encounters.

Sex – as an act - has always been uncomfortable for me because of my body image issues. I am interested in it – indeed, I think about it quite a bit, and have tried to enjoy it as best I could. Unfortunately, no matter how much the effort, I consistently have difficulty in immersing myself within the sexual moment. My mind always wanders, retracts, scrambles, lunges and quickens to my body, and thoughts inevitably and pervasively hinge on self-judgment. At the beginning of my sexual relationships, thoughts were strongly laden with criticisms centered on internalized homophobia. In time, they gradually developed into a caustic duet of anti-gay rhetoric and adjudications on how poor my body looked in comparison to the man next to me. I clearly recall how often I would stare at my “boyfriend’s” body and yearn for the hardness of his muscles, and the toned quality of the skin that covered his stomach, chest, arms and legs. I feel that my body is huge and soft – Raphaelesque in its plumpness and tenderness. Not at all like the muscular and fit bodies that I am attracted to, and who have at times slept next to me.

Intellectually, I can reason on ways to convince my eyes to perceive my body as being something other than the soft huge creature my mind often impresses the eyes to reflect. These are difficult moments because there is the healthy voice that endeavors to affiliate itself with reason and see what is really there, and then there is the familiar voice that habitually sides with dysfunction. Habit often wins out, but happily not as frequently these days.

Can anyone relate?

Stay well, MBI