This Morning

This morning was very difficult. I woke up to attend the gym, but felt really miserable once I looked in the mirror and saw my reflection. I looked very bloated and fat. I could not see nay definition in my arms and chest and believed that I gained a massive amount of weight and flesh overnight. An impossibility – I know – but I felt and thought it all the same. I could not bear to look at myself in the mirror – and yet could not look away either. I was compelled to stay in front of it and point out every physical detail. With every minute I stared, I picked out yet another aspect of my body that I perceived as ugly, misshaped and not masculine.

My face look old and haggard; I had no luster in my eyes. My hair – what is left of it – was unseemly and looked as if more had fallen out overnight. I saw the blubber of my sides folding over my short pants and felt sloppy and grossly obese. I thought the skin had gotten tighter – even my trainer had commented on it a few weeks ago. Apparently, we were both seeing things that were not there. Was he lying to me? I could not stand the spectacle of my arms. They just looked like lumps of bloated appendages with unsightly and unmanly stretch marks. My chest looked like massive mams rather than the hard pecs that I was working so hard to achieve. How could this all be happening at the same time???

I had to change my shirt three times before I actually left the house. The previous two shirts made me feel huge. As I walked to the gym, I felt as if all eyes were staring at me, critically noting my body and making quick comparisons on how their body was superior to mine. I knew from experience that this was not the best frame of mind to attend the gym. In the past, I would take such mental vehemence and turn it into physical exhaustion by working out in a very unhealthy manner. This morning, I tried to reign in my thoughts and bring in some of the reasoning I knew would place things in a better perspective.

I reasoned to myself that my body is not as bad as I think it is. My issues often exaggerate what is being actually perceived. I thought about the times when I liked the way my body was looking (rare – in know – but it happens) and how I can feel that way again. I also explained that the body does not always feel or look the same. I could therefore be seeing the result of something that will come to pass. I repeated this to myself many times before actually reaching the gym.

For better or for worse (depending on which side you ask the reasonable me or the dysfunctional one) the reasoning worked. Although I did exercise a bit more than usual on the cardiovascular machines in an attempt to “unbloat” myself, I was able to stop before I reached an exhaustive level.

Difficult but true.

Can anyone relate??

Stay well, MBI