DEPRESSION AND RELATIONSHIPS

I am feeling a bit depressed today. The summer months are great and I love the warm weather but I also seem to have more time on my hands because work starts to slow down and my school stuff is lessened. Thus, the summer gives me more time to concentrate on not being in a romantic relationship. Not that I necessarily want a relationship at this time, but the emptiness I feel often compels me to believe that a relationship would help to fill in the void. “Not always the case” – my therapist would reply.

Why am I writing about relationships in a blog that is devoted to male body image and eating issues? Simply because I feel that relationships are the cornerstone to our understanding of self. From our infancy we have constantly been in a direct relationship with objects, people and the environment. I feel that my relationship with food and self is a direct reflection of the way I have related to people and objects in my past (and in my present). Now, does that mean that I consciously created such dynamics? No – certainly not. My history and environmental circumstances have impacted, constructed and molded my personality and relational development into what it is today (minus all the years of therapy I’ve had to deal with the dysfunction). I have difficulty in just letting go and having a romantic relationship. I’ve had relationships in the past, but they are a bit too distant at this point. I am at a place where I am questioning whether I even care if I have another relationship. The pondering, however, does not erase or diminish the emptiness I feel in the pit of my stomach.

I’ve experienced this void for a very long time – before I even knew what it was. You see – I constantly was trying to fill the emptiness with something – be it work, academics, FOOD, going out, MORE FOOD, theatre, opera, EXERCISE, NO FOOD, MORE EXERCISE, etc. It wasn’t until after many years of therapy that I realized that I was using all those things to cover up the gnawing void. Also, many of those tactics used in the past, no longer anesthetized me from the inevitable feeling of emptiness. Since those things don’t work anymore, I am left with just tolerating the feelings. Granted – I do turn to food and exercise as habit would dictate, but not within the same behavioral patterns as previously experienced. I tend to exercise with more moderation and I tend to pick more at food than binge. Small steps – but improvements! The summer slow down generally brings the emptiness to mind – even when I am outside enjoying the weather. I just have to tolerate it and know that it is there for a reason – it stems from my experiences in infancy in not getting the parental attention I needed, the verbal and physical bullying, and the internalized and externalized homophobia. I have to figure out how much of my craving for a relationship is yet another method I use to quench the emptiness and what part is the actual desire.

Can anyone relate? I would really like to know.

Stay well, MBI