I’ve noticed that my workout routines have increased in intensity. I am doing more cardio – at least 30 minutes more than usual – and its intensity it quite high. I have also been working out with weights with more vigor than before. What has caused the level to rise? The answer may not rest solely in one area – there may be quite a few precipitous factors, but as of yet I am not exactly sure what they may all be.
Possible explanations:
The summer months of hot and humid weather do make people expose their bodies more. I am aware that I have been looking at men’s bodies and noticing their thinness and muscularity. There is nothing new in this action (come summer, winter, fall and spring). However, in the summer months there is more exposed and that leaves more to analyze and compare.
I am also quite aware that I have been feeling more intensely empty. I can’t easily quiet, deny, lose, or distract the feeling as I did in the past. It is pervasive and must be dealt with at certain instances. However, exercise is one of the respites still left me to take refuge in. Although the feeling of internal loss is still with me during the exercise routine, it is momentarily incapacitated or at least bought to a size I can handle. I am able to find some sort of distraction in the different objectives of the exercise program. The true reward comes after the workout when I am flooded with the endorphins. There is a momentary lightness that makes me remember exactly what it is to feel good and strong. Some would ask why I am not on some kind of medication to help me feel better. Good question - I shall address that in the future.
I am attracted to a couple of guys, and the intensity of the workout may be my way of exorcising the attraction out of my system. I don’t have any inclination of asking the guys out (some of whom many not be gay) and therefore don’t know what to do with the feelings they stir inside. For the past 8 months I haven’t gone on one single date. Is this intentional? Not necessarily, but I’ve been sick of the dating scene for a bit of time and wanted a reason to take a break. If someone really special came along, I would hopefully jump on the opportunity (and him – for that matter), but otherwise I’m somehow remaining neutral (yet with feelings??). This “inaction” on my part is confusing, stirring anger (at lost time), and inciting frustration. In addition to finding some kind of explanation for it through my work in therapy, I am also trying to deal with it by acknowledging its presence. Sometimes though, the feelings are so intense that the only way I can handle it is by expelling some of emotions through exercise. You see – we’ve come back to the “chewing and spitting” again. It is all connected.
Can anyone relate? I would love to hear from you.
Stay well, MBI
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2 comments:
It is a sign of a dull nature to occupy oneself deeply in matters that concern the body; for instance, to be over much occupied about exercise, about eating and drinking, about easing oneself, about sexual intercourse.
Thank you for taking the time to respond to my blog. I respect your thoughts but don't absolutely agree.
Writing about my eating, exercise and body concerns don�t, at least for me, represent a dull nature. Rather they are an indication of emotional and relational issues that have manifested themselves in food and body image. I did not have the intention to obtain these problems but aligned circumstances have seen that I develop them. However, I am working very hard to understand their significance and in the process trying to lead a more normal and self-loving existence.
Have you ever experienced issues with food, exercise of body image? If so, how did you handle it? If you have not, why do you suppose?
I would really like to know.
Stay well, MBI
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