HAIR - AGAIN

This has been a rough weekend. Even with all the meditation and self-reflection, I am often taken by feelings of depression, nostalgia, remorse, anger and sadness when thinking about my body. I’ve noticed that my hair has thinned a bit more in the middle area of my scalp. I can actually see hairless clear skin. My years of taking Propecia and using Rogaine are not helping in the way that I had hoped. This isn’t a new revelation – I have been witness to their non-effectiveness (perhaps they have slowed the hair loss process, but I have not seen any regrowth). I have contemplated hair transplants but am too scared of possible scarring and also of it not looking good. I also don’t care for the cost. Honestly, I am not turning to surgery because there is a hint of hope that I will “grow” to accept this change in my appearance and will love me for who I am. I am so desperate to find inner peace with all these body image demons that keep popping in and out of my daily existence.

I keep reading so many articles and books on body image and am taken with the fact that so many men suffer with body image issues in silence. Researchers keep stating that numbers are so difficult to accurately assess because men are usually ashamed of admitting their concerns with body related issues. Different stigmatizations often hinder the process of being honest with others and more importantly with themselves. I hope to be one of the men that change that by relating my issues.

I feel quite self-conscious of my looks – most especially during these circumstances when I have noticed another unpleasant aesthetic change in my appearance. I was to join some family and friends at a celebration this evening but have decided not to go. I know that most of my decision was based on how poorly I feel about my looks (notably my hair). I am quite ashamed to admit this publicly. I feel small, transparent, superficial and not very proud. However, the only way I can honestly grapple with these self-obsessed thoughts is to air them out and try to make some sense of them. I don’t believe I’m a selfish person, but relaying my thoughts and issues on the body really makes me feel as if I were self-involved. I make a lot of effort to concentrate on other matters in the world and in my immediate environment, but it becomes a battle between old habits and new fledgling ones. Even though the new are positive the old rooted ones usually are quicker to the draw.

With each two steps taken forward in self-understanding, there is another taken back. I even indulged in cookies this weekend, but ended up spitting most of it out. I stuffed my mouth with so many cookies that none could fit. I chewed and chewed, and there was strong part of me that wanted to swallow but I was too afraid of the calories. I did swallow of little of the churned mush and spit the rest out. What a waste!! I am ashamed by what I did, but not beaten. I will try to do better.

Stay well, MBI