Why is it that I am feeling depressed?? Could it be that the summer slowdown - the fact that many professional and academic activities have decreased thus enabling me to stay for longer periods of time with myself and without activity has caused this?? I am constantly thinking about life - I have never shied away from such thoughts but yet this feels different. I feel lost - as if with little purpose. The only thing that gives me any source of comfort or grounding is my exercise routine. I look forward to it as if it were oxygen for life sustenance. While I wouldn’t necessarily classify these current feelings as a deep depression - it is a depression nonetheless.
I am thinking about medication. I always wonder if I am doing myself more of a disservice not being on it or am I in fact doing some good. I totally understand and have completely reviewed the merits of anti-depressants and other medications that assist a multitude of mental/emotional disorders and dysfunctions. I have witnessed how useful and beneficial they can be in restoring hope and life (always in conjunction with monitored therapy). However, my own experience with medications has me quite ambivalent about taking them now. I was on the SSRI - Zoloft for over three years - some 9 years ago and while it did calm my anxiety and depressive episodes - it also enormously effected my eating. Six months into taking Zoloft (at the prescribed amount of 200 mg) I started to crave a great deal of sweets. I could not stop eating cakes and candy - it seemed as if Zoloft had re-awakened the voracious sweet tooth of my childhood and early adolescence. I recall one instance when my craving was so strong that I even went into the outside trash container to retrieve the remainder of a chocolate cake that my sister had thrown out. I didn't have the patience to wait until I got inside so I ate it on the front stoop. In that instance, I saw myself as if outside the body – from the perspective of an external observer - and I could not believe my eyes. To me, it was like watching an addict who needed his quick fix. I was frightened at the sight of it all.
Imagine how terrified I was about gaining weight because of all the sweets I was eating. Consequently, I dedicated more time to exercise. At the time I was taking the medication, my doctors hadn't a clue about my food phobia or my issues with exercise. I didn't even comprehend its totality and so I never mentioned it to them. BUT, they never asked and that is a common error that many doctors make when examining male patients.
More about Medications soon.
Can anyone relate? I would really like to know.
Stay well, MBI
About Me
- MBI
- I am a thirty something year old gay man and know the body image topic quite well. Not only am I developing an expertise in it because of my academic and professional endeavors, but I have struggled in various points of my life with weight gain, weight loss, muscle size, hair loss, anorexia, exercise bulimia, chewing and spitting, and general attractiveness.
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