SEX II

I would consider myself sexual, though I do not often engage in sex. I don’t often pursue sexual relationships – rarely have. There are many reasons for this and they too seem to stem from my personal experiences growing up. I have often wondered how sexual I would have been had I experienced something radically different from the past I have come to own. It always seems as if I am losing out on a host of sexual experiences because my many issues regarding self and body hinder my ability to be totally free.

When engaged in sexual activity, while quite aggressive, I am always cognizant of the other person present, and have always allowed them to control the situation. This is not because of a lack of energy or will on my past, but more for a need to reign in the issues that consistently block my ability to fully enjoy the moment. By allowing the other person to be the “aggressor” I don’t have to struggle with the thoughts that are besieging my brain; thoughts centered on my manliness, strength, body, power, and sexuality. I silence the bombardment of thoughts by numbing my self and my needs. Yes, there were times when I was the initiator and “controlled” the situation, but I always did so in the knowledge that I was acting outside of my perceived grain of existence. It was never something that was natural. When it did occur on instinct, I found the opportunity to berate myself for being so aggressive and powerful.

How could I be a strong sexual man, when a part of me wanted to be thin and slight compared to overweight men. Yet, I also wanted to be big and muscular to compete with the Adonis’ of the gay community. Since there are not simple answers or solutions, confusion is often the likely outcome.

My body issues often make me feel as if I am not physically worthy to be with a “good looking” man. When I am dating a guy who I believe to be physically attractive, I am quite stilled by thoughts of his judgments about my own looks. In the past, I dated men who would like to stay in bed and caress and touch me. Yes, the idea is a nice one, but can you imagine what that did for someone with my issues?? I did not want to express the thoughts that were racing through my mind as they were running their hands probingly over different parts of my body. I could not scream out “STOP IT” when they insisted on kissing me from head to toe – but damn how I wanted to. Imagine, my comfort when dating a guy who liked to hold (or feel) my crotch in his hands just for the hell of it, even when we were not engaged in sexual play. I could imagine expressing to any of them the level of my discomfort or revulsion at their seemingly “loving” gestures. So, at times, when changing the subject or the focus of the caress, did not work, I would endure their investigative touches. They honestly thought that caresses and rubbing were gestures of care and love. In an issue-less world I would have probably thought the same, but unfortunately the issues are present and so was the immense displeasure at being touched so finely and probingly.

Can anyone relate? I would really like to know.

Stay well, MBI