STRETCH MARKS - REVISITED

As I mentioned in a previous entry, I have a series of stretch marks that cover certain areas of my body. The ones on the undersides of my arms and the top of my shoulders are most annoying during the summer months because they are easily noticeable when I’m wearing short-sleeved shirts. It seems that I am more self-conscious of these particular stretch marks this summer than I was in the past. I’m not sure exactly why. It could be that I am feeling somewhat pleased that my arms are a bit more muscular. Naturally, a good feeling associated with my body is hard to handle, therefore I have to find something about the same area of my body (arms) to feel bad about. This behavior keeps me perpetually cycling in and out of states of body image depression. I have marked peaks of being “okay” with parts of my body and marked troughs of feeling miserable. The lighter feelings are still so alien to me that they feel raw and indigestible. I have to quickly return to conjuring feelings of anxiety and sadness so that I may better modulate/process the lighter feelings.

The stretch marks seem to be the chosen issue of choice to do the modulating. I try not to expose any part of the arm that will show the stretch marks but this feat is very difficult to achieve when wearing casual summer shirts – all have short sleeves. I rarely expose the shoulders with wearing one of the sleeve-less T-shirts. However, I have started wearing the sleeveless T’s at home but will put on another shirt if I happen to go out or if I receive any visitors. I am most vulnerable to have the underside of my arms exposed when I am strap hanging on the trains. I usually try to stand by the doors or hold on to a pole, but the “L” train is really crowded these days, so I am often stuck with have to hold on to one of the upper bars (“strap hangars”). During short-sleeveless summer months, crowded trains with only strap hangars free create a great deal anxiety. I cover the exposed underarm with my hand, while trying to look nonchalant and natural about the whole position. It seems to work, but it annoys me that I have become so bothered by this. I become so pre-occupied that the people next to me are looking at the stretch marks that I often cannot concentrate on the book I am trying to read. At the same time, I am also feeling very angry for being so affected by such worries. I really envy (and at the same time am intimidated by) those men that are able to wear their clothes and expose their bodies without any internal or external concerns.

I am riddled with guilt at being so stuck on these physical/superficial issues. I truly realize that there are much greater calamities in the world, and yet I can really be swayed with such little things that don’t seem to “little” when I am stuck in a body image depression.

Can anyone relate?

Stay well, MBI