AGING & BODY IMAGE

A friend showed me several old pictures yesterday. They were of various times we had spent together at restaurants, weddings, and at work events. The pictures spanned some eleven years. I find looking at old pictures of myself very uncomfortable and unnerving.Uncomfortable because I revisit images of a younger self that had noticeably more hair. And unnerving because the inevitability of passing time is made all the more clear no matter how hard one tries to deny it. I looked at the pictures quite a bit because I missed seeing the younger image of me with more hair. I paid no attention to my body because I knew that my body was in worse shape in the past than it is presently. It was just camouflaged in clothing that made my body appear thin and somewhat muscular. It was my face that I scrutinized above all things. I saw the face that appeared so very happily framed in so much hair. Although I always had little satisfaction with the state of my body (as I have written quite a bit in past entries), my face, with the exception of a scar that appears on my forehead – the result of a fall from the crib as a child, was an aspect that gave me some contentment. I used the hair to hide the scar and to also muster some esteem for the rest of my body. When my hair started to thin my head and certain parts of my face were thrown into the same "pitiable" hole that my body already occupied. I no longer had one feature - neither head nor body - that did not consume me with worry, disgust, grief or unhappiness at one time or another. The pictures bought back a time when I still had some consistent remanence of body satisfaction. In stating this I don't want to give the impression that my current body image is consistently poor. While it remains low, there are moments (although brief) where I am okay with my developing muscularity. However this body "satisfaction" is quite different the esteem I used to achieve with my face. While my developing muscularity gives me some pause - it is not always consistent. The muscularity is most visible after an upper body workout and can only be fully realized if I look at myself in the mirror. Otherwise, it is hidden from my view. If I don't workout the upper body it is not a noteworthy (at least to me) improvement. In addition, during the course of the day, when I catch reflections of myself in glass, or in a restroom mirror it isn't my camouflaged body that I initially see. Rather, it is my head and my exposed scalp that adds age and misery to my face.Those distinctions were not visible on my face in the pictures that my friend shared with me. No - it was entirely different. While most of my friends have said that my face has not changed (except for the hair), I take little solace. I feel that I could better deal with the encroachment of time (and wrinkles) if I had the hair to boost my esteem.

Aging scares me in so many ways. Not only because of the deep concerns with being single, lonely, sick and hopeless, but also because of the physical implications that usually follow the advancement of senior years. I can only imagine my body image at an older age if it is so poor in my thirties. I hope that continued therapeutic work will assist in building a better foundation of internal self-love so that I may base less value on my external appearance. My awareness about the aging process all the more exacerbates my frustration at not fully enjoying my body now. I have taken steps to be more comfortable with myself naked. I try to walk around my apartment with little clothes on so that I can develop a better relationship with my body. When I do this, I make every attempt to not to look in the mirror for a prolonged period of time (more than 30 seconds to a minute) because that would only increase the probability of my zooming in on a particular part and severely criticizing it. I have to proceed with caution.

Society in general has a lot of negative issues with aging. It does all it can to avoid, delay, hide and deny it. This manner of dealing is particularly acute in the gay male community. Attention is definitely given to aging but most of it is consumed in formulating ways that don’t allow one to face it with understanding, love and dignity. Aging needs to be confronted in a manner that would address all the issues that arise with it - socially, economically, physically, emotionally and psychologically.

Can anyone relate?

Stay well, MBI