AGING

I was at the gym this morning, and although I try quite hard not to look at the other men present since that will initiate a trail of comparative notes on physical features (face, body, muscularity, hair etc.), I could not help but look at one guy in particular. He was really handsome and had a very nice body. He unfortunately came over to use the weights in the area where I was working out. I term it as "unfortunate" because I knew being in such close proximity to his external attractiveness was going to instigate my internal judge to initiate assessments. Strangely, although I compared our faces, hair, muscularity and overall attractiveness, the thought that insistently lingered was his youth. He was younger than me, but I don’t know by how much. I am painfully aware of the passing of time and its made all the more obvious to me when I notice striking young men in the gym. They seem to be empowered not only with physical beauty but also with youth.

Yes, I had that youth at one time too - and no, I am don't consider myself old, but my youth was never quite fulfilled as it seems to be in the young men I notice at the gym. They seem to be more connected with their bodies - as if they are in control of its destiny. They are doing what they can to feel good, be healthy, and look in shape. I endeavor to do those things too, but my body has already been through so much.

I recall the period in my early late teen and early twenties when I started to finally realize that my body and I (the mind) were "one." My "awakening" was like returning to the home I had abandoned at the start of war, expecting it to be in the same state as I had left it, but instead finding a great deal of disrepair and scarring incurred by years of serious attacks. I could not believe the sorry state of my body. Yes, I was thin, but the years of no exercise, binging, crazy diets and depression had taken its toll. I was never ever to see my body as lean as I had seen it when I was seven years old. It was gone - never to return. Seeing that young man at the gym made me yearn for that lost part of myself. It made me recall the feelings of hope that were quite familiar way back then. I'm angry at the unfairness of life and the way I must content myself with what I currently have. I feel jilted and cheated out of my body's full potential. Yet, my current "demons" are keeping me from fully embracing the body I have now (in what ever state it is in - toned, untoned, muscular, non-muscular etc). I don't want to repass the same issues in another 10 years and live in further regret.

stay well,

MBI