BULLYING

The sight of a group of children/teens (8 through 15 years of age) still has the power to instantaneously send me into a panic. Granted, it only lasts for a few moments, but I am struck with how quickly my body registers the situation and reacts even after so many years. Although the very last of the bullying incidences happened close to 20 years ago, I am still transported to my childhood each time I see a group of young people. For a moment it is as if I am still that scared child who was bullied and hit. My behavioral reflex is to look away, run or just ignore. I am quick to remind myself that I am an adult and not the frightened little boy any more. It works and I move calmly on, but it nonetheless leaves its traces. Indeed, it has left its track very deeply embedded. Being called fag and other such derogatory names has certainly affected my body esteem. I was told over and over I was not a real boy or a man. How could I possibly expect to love my body when there was so much shame attached to it? I could not accept my own penis because it pointed to my being a boy. In addition, most of my peers (and some adults) were telling me I was not like a “regular” boy. I remember the embarrassment and sense of terror I had in reaching puberty, especially when I started to notice the differences in my body. My parents did nothing to ease my mind or answer any questions I had about what was going on. I went to the library and did all the reading I could about puberty and the changes that I should expect. Nevertheless, I was still scared shitless to see my body changing and starting to look more like a man’s body. I did what I could to deny the process. Anything that remotely symbolized a masculine behavior or product – I did not participate in or use. . But, slowly and progressively my body was betraying me. Although I was teased for being gay, I put on a great deal of weight and that in some ways abated the “fag” abuse, although they started to then tease me about my obesity. Regardless of my size, puberty was pushing forward and the intensity of my denial increased.

It is fascinating to me that I did not acknowledge my body during the whole of my adolescence. Even when I went on a massive diet, my body was separate from me. I know I wrote about this before, but I believe it is so important especially when placed in the context of the bullying incidences. When I was teased, the pain was so great (inside me), that I disengaged from it (subconsciously). In essence, I withdrew from myself and detached. My head and body were two separate beings. I did this as a coping mechanism – a way that would make me move forward without being totally destroyed. The weight gain did that in some way from the gay bashing and the “head/body dissociation” helped with the rest of what was going on.

I wonder how much of that “head/body” dis-connection is still going on?

Stay well,
MBI