EATING & EXERCISE

I’ve noticed that I am once again vigilantly calculating the calories and fat content of each of the foods I eat. I have practiced some form of food calculation for many years, but there are periods when the accounting becomes pronounced. This seems to be one of those times. I think it has a lot to do with the fact that I am feeling anxious about my professional and academic endeavors. I am caught in a tailspin of familiar issues. The sense of being confused only enhances my feeling of being out of control. To counter this – I am reigning in on the food details. By calculating the numbers and by compartmentalizing each quantity and quality of food being ingested, I feel a bit more sane and in power.

My meals so far have been:

Breakfast: A cup of oatmeal, banana, apple

Lunch: Salad (leafy greens, vegetables), chicken cutlet (baked with tomato sauce), piece of cheese, bread and some peanut butter

Snack: Apple, a few pretzels

Dinner: Salmon, carrots, string beans, hummus with dill.

You see – it isn’t a bad menu. I don’t eat poorly but I also don’t eat enough – especially given my exercise regiment and daily activities. The meals quite often leave me hungry and then I start craving in between meal snacks. I am really hooked on eating yogurt. My favorite is FAGE – 2% plain with honey. I can eat that every day and I do, just not today. I already finished 6 of the large sizes containers that I bought five days ago. I will not buy another amount for a couple of days. I worry that I’m doing some kind of damage with eating so much yogurt, but I really love it. And – most importantly – the ingredients and nutritional information seems to be quite good. However, I still consider it one of my vices.

Speaking of vices: Equal to the food, I am also exercising with greater vigor. I am addicted to one particular cardio machine and though it exhausts me to even complete 35 minutes, I am inclined to do 45. The workout leaves me completely soaked to the bone in sweat. I have to wipe down every bit of the machine and even the floor around me. There are moments, while exercising on it that I am totally oblivious to the environment around me. Then there are the times when I am so tired and haggard (but unwilling to stop the machine) that everything and everyone at the gym annoys the hell out of me. I feel powerful on the machine and am excited by the sweat pouring down my back, face, legs, arms etc. The immense profusion of the sweat all the more indicates how strongly I am working out and how much my body may be transforming into what I hope to attain. I feel a sense of control – yes, once again control is at point. My anger and frustration with all that is transpiring in my life – academic confusion, professional development/stagnation, emptiness, romance-less relationships etc all finding a voice through my exaggerated efforts on the cardio machine. I am able to exorcise the poison that the thought of them seems to cause in my body.

Since I am aware of this connection, I am also able to put on the brakes when I notice that my body is truly depleted of strength and energy. I did not got to the gym yesterday and totally enjoyed the rest without any sense of guilt. This would have been totally impossible feat a few years ago.

So you see – it remains quite complex. There are steps taken forward, backward and some steps not taken at all. Yet, I am cognizant of each movement and am more able to explore different scenarios, behaviors and actions than I ever had before.

Can anyone relate? I would really like to know.

Stay well, MBI