FOOD and DESTRUCTION

I have turned to sweets yet again. In the past two weeks, I've been buying on average two to three cakes, eating a part of them (usually a creamy filling) and throwing out the rest. I only eat very little of the cake. The part that I eat seems to momentarily fill the emptiness and sooth my anxiety about academics, work and my limited social existence. Once I have eaten the part that "soothes", I am so frightened to consume the rest that I end up destroying it. I usually cut it up with a knife or tear it apart - all in trying to annihilate it before it kills me with added calories and fat. How extremely wasteful!!! I have so much shame in admitting this behavior. It had been so long since I had performed this type of ritual. I was really proud of the longevity of the abstinence - especially since it is such a materially wasteful practice. Yet, here I am, once again doing it - the reason is obvious (as mentioned above). I just have to stop.

The path to recovery is filled with progressions and setbacks. The setbacks may even last a little longer than I am comfortable with, but I am well aware of why they linger. The feelings of anxiety, isolation, loneliness and fear also linger. I intake the sweets when these feelings truly strangle every inch of my breathing space. Granted, the sweets momentarily eclipse the intensity of these repeatedly processed emotions, but after a short respite, they once again start their ascent into each corner and fiber of my being. And unfortunately, in this go around, they are also accompanied by guilt and shame. These two feelings are the direct consequence of having participated in the chewing and spitting act, and in the destruction of food (no matter how bad or non-nutritious).

Yet, throughout experiencing this mental and behavioral mechanism, I am realizing more concretely that the old habit is no longer as powerful an arbiter of my emotions as it was in the past. I am able to hold more on my own. Perhaps that is why I am feeling so overwhelmed. Progress does come with a price.

Can anyone relate?

stay well, MBI