MEDICATION - DEPRESSSION

I wrote the following entry last week – and I did not post it. Although, I’m feeling better and my outlook is not as grim, there is some realization that the feelings I described will eventually return. I have the number of a very good psycho-pharmacologist but am delaying calling him. Even though I realize that there is no harm in just consulting, I am still hesitating in making the appointment.

I am slowly falling into an abyss and I am desperately trying to cling to something - anything that will keep me elevated. The feeling of emptiness is really permeating different aspects of my life - professional, academic, familial and social. I don't have any interest in mingling with people on the weekend. I find it cumbersome and boring. I don't get excited about anything - even my research is heavy and mundane. I try desperately to find something joyful in what I do but find none. I even try to numb myself to the emptiness so that I might just "be", but that too does not work. I am always questioning my value, the value of my work and of my life. I feel useless and I sometimes don't believe in the merit of what I undertake with regard to male body image.

So encumbered was I with these thoughts and so generally ensnared in this emotional malaise that I barely took part in any activities. I had to force myself to go out to the park, simply to break the cycle of staying inside.

My cousin and I discussed medication again. And while it is froth with dangers (personal ones as indicated in prior entries) I believe it worth my attention. I was invited to two parties this weekend, and while the company and venue of each weren't the most tantalizing - I didn't go. The thought of facing people, having to engage in conversations (the annoying small talk), and having them look at me when I don't feel attractive made me cringe and so I postponed getting ready until it was actually too late. I started with every intention of going and then slowly I realized that I couldn’t do it. I don't want to isolate myself again and I don't want to constantly be the cause of exacerbating emotional drama. As much as medication is a frightening prospect I need to do explore it again. Perhaps I would be able to work on issues and my professional (and academic) stuff with greater clarity without constantly being sidetracked by these emotional peaks and valleys.

take care, MBI