PORN & ME II

As I mentioned in my previous entry - porn was the tool I used to satisfy my sexual curiosity and to also keep me somewhat connected to my peers. As they were overtly exploring their sexuality by going out on dates and possibly having some sexual experiences, I maintained some semblance of "normal" adolescence by dappling in porn.

It is difficult to describe my body image during this period of time. I was between fourteen and sixteen years old. At fourteen - I was at my heaviest - almost 285 pounds. In school I was being called all sorts of gay related names in addition to be made fun of because of my weight. My body image must have been very poor but I was not aware of it at the time. I was so disconnected from my body. It seemed as if my mind and body were two separate entities. Therefore, I watched the porn during these early years with little connection with the body elements depicted in the films. Yes, I was looking at the actors' bodies but I could not internalize these images since my own body lay incomplete. Also, internalizing the male bodies would have also "implicated" me as to being gay. I could not face that. I could only bear acknowledging some interest in sexuality - I was unable to even absorb the fact that I was a sexual being. To do so would have brought on a multitude of thoughts that I could not handle exploring at the time.

At fifteen - there was some enlightenment as to what the massive amounts of food was doing to my body. I was scared of dying too young. I must have also allowed some elements of attraction for the same sex to be internalized if not even slightly acknowledged. I recall staring at guys a lot more but again not acknowledging their attractiveness. Instead, interpreting it as a sign of my growing competitiveness to be their physical equal (I didn't even think of being superior - if I did think it, I could not acknowledge it). The porn was still being watched but there was still no "body" connection to it. It was providing the stimulation – always under the protection of heterosexuality but nothing new.

My porn style remained the same until I was 24 years old. It was then that I finally developed enough courage to buy my first bisexual film. There were a lot of things going on in my life at that point. I was in therapy for 6 years and I had gained some insight into who I was. While I could not face the truth yet - I was taking steps toward that direction. I was allowing myself to contemplate male attractions. I could give myself the okay to have my eyes glance at male pin up posters. I was freeing myself to speak of sexuality more freely albeit still embedded within intellectual dicta. I was working and befriending people that were more accepting of me. I had lost a lot of weight and people usually had positive comments about my looks (and especially my beautiful hair). I was exercising but not at a compulsive level. I had finally started to internalize the male bodies depicted in the straight porn.

More to add in later entries.

Stay well, MBI