PORN, SEXUALITY, & BODY IMAGE

My sexuality continued to be defined in two limited ways - from the glimpses seen through my evolving contact with porn and in everyday life – albeit obscured by thick myopic lens of denial.

My sexual identity was quite safely experienced in porn as long as the genre was “straight.” The female presence in the porn I selected were very important because it maintained a link to the heterosexual world and thereby verified my rightful position within in – even though my situation was quite marginalized.

There were no sexual conquests had in my teens and early adulthood (21 through 24). My body did experience many changes in adolescence, but the changes – good and bad – all occurred in a vacuum. Although my mental frame dictated the behavioral course taken most especially with food, the body and mind were not wholly connected. There were periods when connections were stronger, but still weak in comparative terms.

The porn stimulated my body to feel excitement in the safety of fantasy and under the control of the stop, play, pause, fast-forward and rewind buttons. Under the guise of porn, I was able to have my body freely express and feel some sexual excitement that could not be processed in reality – where there were far too many danger spots.

As I started to take in the male body images that were depicted in the porn, I realized how poor my body was in comparison. It was one of my first “awakenings” (written in another entry) to just how much damage I did to my body and this was accompanied by the acknowledgement that I was to never have one that I could be very proud of. The realization did very little to rise my esteem and acceptance levels. The years of exercise, food restriction and indulgence, and my vigilance in body valuation have all been testaments to my inability to fully accept my body as it stands.

I had better fortune with my sexuality. I was slowly but progressively accepting my interest in men. I couldn’t yet fully state that I was “gay” but I wasn’t as overwhelmed and frightened when my thoughts centered on male-to-male sex and couplehood. I was allowing my mind greater room to ponder sexual thoughts and to even project visions of myself in “gay”-like environments. This major shift in thought was symbolically captured in my selection of porn. During this period of time, I boldly made my first purchase of a different kind of porn - bisexual.