AT THE GYM - COMMENT

First – I am not writing as often these days because classes are keeping me quite busy. However, I will try to write at least once a week. I am contemplating whether to write a shorter amount but more frequently. I shall figure out what works best.

At the gym this morning, a guy (who I see at least once a week) commented on my looking thinner. He asked how much weight I had lost. I was a little surprised by his comment and stated that I didn’t think I had lost weight, may be I had just toned a little. His comment should have made me feel good, but it didn’t. I felt awkward, confused, scared and self-conscious. I took his innocent remark and turned it into an instrument to punish myself with. Throughout the workout I replayed his words. I felt as if I had something now to prove and hold on to. I wondered if he was going to notice if I was going to gain weight or look less toned. Would I have to live up to his expectations? Would I have to guard against other things I do at the gym or eat at home and outside? In contrast, his words also made me feel empowered and I tried to tell myself that empowerment was a good thing. It was not something that I needed to fear and fight against. Internalizing a good feeling was not going to alienate me from the man I wanted to be. I am always so frightened to be conceived of as a strong person, because I believe people will not like me if they view me as such. I need to think differently. I think another matter that surprised me was that this was a straight man telling me that I looked good. It felt strange because I would never make a comment to a straight man about his face/body unless I knew him really well. I would not want to be conceived as having an attraction to him. As a gay man, I am so very sensitive about who I look at and how the other person may judge my look if they were aware of it. The behavior still speaks to my childhood and adolescence when I had to conceal who I was and what I was thinking. It also says something of my continued internalized homophobia. I projected my own anxiety about male attractiveness to this guy and therefore interpreted his comment as strange (aside from the whole body issue stuff) and bordering on the flirtatious. Wow, all of these feelings from something that took only 10 seconds. Amazing!!!

Stay well, MBI