A CHANGE

On Saturday, one of my cousins told me that I looked a lot like my father.I did not take this comment as a compliment. My father is not a bad looking guy but he is bald and although I was wearing a hat at the time she made that comment, I still took it as a crack on my hair. This and the fact that I'm also dealing with a stye that is making the upper part of my face look swollen, has certainly contributed to making me feel ugly and low.

My dark mood somewhat was alleviated with the shaving of my goatee. I amnot sure why but the feelings are similar to cutting. The shaving of my goatee removed the anxiety of my looking like my father. It removed that angst I felt about my hair. I must explore this feeling more fully because I do believe that it is very much connected with body mutilation (in a mid form). This was not simply the act of removing hair from my face. I felt it too deep emotionally to be so. If I did not remove the hair, I was afraid of what the burden of carrying the sadness and anger would do to my day. I needed to find a relief, a window that would provide some emotional escape. This incident reminded me of when I used to hit myself (a topic not yet discussed). In the past, there were moments when negative feelings about my body were so overwhelming that Iwould beat my self. I would regret it afterward but the very act would alleviate some of the internalized emotional pressure. While the act of shaving my goatee was more calculated than the impetuousness highlighting past beating behavior, the reaction (except for the guilt) was the same.