CHEWING AND SPITTING - RESURFACED

With the start of another academic year, I find myself full of nerves, excitement, anxiety and let's not forget, fear. My mind seems to race in so many directions that I get lost in a surreal existence - one that borders between the present and a projected gloomy future. I mention this because the feelings directly affect my body image and my intake of food. The mesh of emotions makes me turn to the sweets. As described in previous entries, I am eating more sweets and certainly chewing and spitting a lot more than I was doing a month ago. Although there is a load of guilt associated with practicing this behavior, I also see it as a familiar comfort I turn to in order to gain some sense of equilibrium. I have spoken to my therapist about this and we both agree that the behavior has prominently resurfaced during this time in my life because of the emotional pressures surging from my academic ponderings. I have so many misgivings about my pursuit of phd. Some are based in reality and follow a course that has conventional logic. The other apprehensions are steeped more in traditional fears of success, negative empowerment and a belief that I am pursuing something that holds little value - except for the aggrandizing of an esteem that should find worth only in self-love. My therapist is trying to make me understand that esteems can be more complex and that restricting my esteem to one source to fulfill a sense of wholeness can be quite impossible - most especially when measured against my background. I am really trying to keep this mind and I suppose I do when I give myself permission to eat some of the cakes while spitting the rest out.

This is also coming at a time when my gym has closed for a few days. I am able to exercise at the park but I miss the intensity that the gym's equipment provides. I am caught in a quandary of realizing that I need the rest from the gym but also feel the guilt of not exercising and being somewhat okay with that. These little advances bring a lot of emotional fury, which I try to tolerate as best I can.