My week has been so very busy. One of the thoughts giving me consolation centers on my favorite cake. By now you know the routine. I don’t eat the whole cake but rather extract the parts that I feel give me the most comfort. The shameful deal is that it all goes so quickly. I am so enthralled by the process of cutting out the parts I like and putting them in my mouth, that I don’t fully savor the pleasure of the experience. It leaves before it has any time to settle in me. I think the immediacy of my actions with the cake speaks to the caloric guilt I have in turning to sweets and also the emotional charge that drive the whole experience in the first place. I do feel guilt about eating the cake (regardless of the portion). After eating, I immediately think of the gym and what I will have to do to not feel the full effects of what I have just eaten.
The gym still continues to be a faithful companion. There are days that I am more receptive to hearing my body and there are days where I stubbornly ignore its calls for attention. I am getting better at not ignoring when I am too tired to go. However, these are interconnected with days driven by poor esteem, control and attractiveness issues.
I do feel better. Somehow, my introspection (through self analysis and therapy) and understanding of association between emotions and actions are making more sense. That comprehension is facilitating my ability to be aware, and to be more adept at listening to what is better for me (the self).
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