A DREAM, PICTURES, HAIR AND BODY IMAGE

In a dream I had two nights ago, I recall having a different face and being quite shocked with the features. There weren’t bad in any way, but just so different to my present facial construction. I was also taken with the fact that I had a great deal of hair on my head. The feelings I remember were anxiety, curiosity and fear. There was an understanding within the dream that my new identity had an underlying logic, yet I was trying desperately to recall the features that my “old” face had.

This dream definitely hits upon the well of emotions I have with body image. As I discussed in the last entry, the fear and anxiety stirred when the pictures were taken at the wedding I attended, was yet another reminder at just how deep these feelings are for me. This week, I was given a set of the pictures and I was afraid to look at them for a few days. I did not want to feel bad about myself, especially after the work I am doing with positive reflection and meditations. I eventually found the courage to take a peek, and I was disappointed at how bare my head looks. My lack of hair ruins the symmetry and framing of my face. I seem to look like a totally different person than the one I envision. The dream lives on – hence the new looking face.

I know – in the scope of the world’s problems, especially these days – this shouldn’t be a major issue. Yet, I am unable to make the pain subside. The thoughts of my hair and all that it relates to – aging, attraction, body image, relationships, and bullying – are consistently beating on my mind. I get momentary breaks during meditation, studying and when totally engrossed at work, but even with these activities the thoughts creep up intermittently.

I always wonder if the hair factor has a lot to do with my inability to get a date. Not so much from the perspective of people finding me ugly – although that thought is definitely a component in the formulation. But rather in the fact that my feeling unattractive dissuades sends out negative energy which in turn dissuades people from approaching me. It has been so long since I have dated anyone seriously that I feel as if it is never going to happen again. That is when the age factor turns up all over again. STOP AND THINK POSITIVELY!!!!