THE VISIT

Although I am trying to heavily embrace positive thoughts so that my mind will be less apt to go toward the negative – especially with regard to body image, I am anxious about one main even that is approaching in November. One of my aunts from Italy is coming for a visit. I haven’t seen her in over ten years – even though I have traveled to Italy in these ten years I have steered clear of my hometown. I did not want to see anyone that would comment on my hair and the difference that lay between now and the last time they had seen me quite a few years ago. I was afraid to receive a look that would precede the words that would inevitably follow – “look at how much hair you’ve lost.” My Italian relatives are not known for their diplomatic statements. When I was overweight, they told me right away at to the face that I looked to fat. I was stunned at their abrasive candor and swore that I would never be at the receiving end again. The next trip I made to the town – I made sure that I was thinner and looked my best. They left me alone.

I am afraid that my aunt will not be very accepting of me. Not that she is a nasty woman, quite to the contrary. But, my mother’s family pays a lot of attention to looks and the resemblance we have for each other in the family. If you don’t look like their side of the family, you are often cast aside as being “less than.” I am trying very hard to be happy with who I am and with repeating as many positive statement so that I will be inoculated (somewhat) from any statements she may make. I am speaking about this anxiety with my therapist and we are trying to come up with strategies to cope with any remark that I may hear.

Other than this – things are the same. I am continuing to exercise 6 days a week. I also am continuing with the consumption/destruction of two cakes a week. I am not spitting out any of it; whatever food gets placed in my mouth, I make a conscious effort to swallow. It makes me feel less guilty.

As the cold weather starts to role our way again, I have to reenter the locker room again to change my clothes. This process had become tolerable enough before the summer months. Now, I have to re-train myself in feeling the same tolerance all over again. It is a constant lesson. – I will write more about this the next time.

Sorry for not writing sooner, but school and work are really keeping me busy.

Stay well, MBI