UPDATE, EXERCISE and RECOVERY

Well, my relatives are here and I am very happy to report that they did not mention my hair thus far. They actually said that I looked thin and shouldn’t lose any more weight, but they hadn’t seen me for over 11 years, therefore, I could understand the weight comment (when they had seen me last I was around 15 to 20 lbs heavier). I am so incredibly grateful that they made no mention of my hair, but I am always very concerned when conversation steers toward appearance and aging. I feel that it will eventually turn to me. I am trying very much to not go into any analytical stances when it comes to my appearance but it remains a difficult feat.

I have lost two days of exercise this week because of my exhaustion with work, school and personal life. Two years ago, the absences would have sent me into a downward emotional tailspin. I would have only been able to quay the feelings by severely limiting my food intake for those days or I would have forced myself to exercise more the next time. Today, while I cannot answer how I will behave when I re-enter the gym tomorrow, I am able to sit with the gym absences more comfortably. Yes, I still am a bit anxious, there is an internal feeling of being less special, the fear of being overweight is a bit more resonant – but I am handling it. There is anxiety in handling it too because I have identified with that other part so very long. To take steps in a more moderate direction causes some internal upheaval. I will have to continue to exercise patience – this is a new side of me.

Someone asked me the other day if I thought I was recovered from my eating problems. I quickly said, “no.” I don’t believe that I stated this so quickly because of any identity issues, but rather, I believe that I will never fully be recovered. Yes, I am in a better place than I have been in a long time but I still have my bouts of body image, chewing and spitting and excessive exercise. They don’t happen all at once as they used to, but situations still trigger these behavioral patterns to emerge. It is a work in progress.

stay well, MBI