UPDATES

Another week has come and gone, and tomorrow marks the day that my aunt and cousin are due in from Italy. I am excited and nervous in seeing them after quite a few years. I am still quite anxious about whether they will give me any negative comments about my hair. There is a part of me that is moving into the zone of uncaring, but there still exists the other part that remains hyper vigilant. I really trying hard to move beyond this issue and just be who I am, but the old scripts that remain embedded in my mental circuitry consistently beg for attention.

I go in and out of body image satisfaction. There are days (most recently) when I have been feeling more content with my body. I’ve felt less depressed about different aspects of it. However, if I spend any exaggerated amount of time in front of the mirror (for me: an exaggeration is over 2 minutes), I start to really pick and destroy. There is a fine line that I must always try to balance. Sometimes its difficult the boundaries of the line.

I am feeling better about changing in the locker room, or rather; I am getting faster at just changing and not being stuck in the feelings. I can’t get myself to just rest with my shirt off. I can’ even look at another person when I am in that place. I feel totally self-conscious and judged. Yet, there is still so much merit in going through the exercise of doing it. It feels good afterward, but too much like medicine as I am going through the process.

My intake of food is consistent but still under what a man of my size should be eating. I realize when I under eat and also am more cognizant of the processes my thoughts follow when I am hungry and do not take provide my body with nourishment.

There is nothing happening on the dating front. I am sad about it, yet there are days of indifference too! I just miss being touched and fear that it will be so difficult to be comfortable with someone – physically – after such a long period of not being with anyone. The fear of having to confront those experiences and feelings keep me from moving on this aspect of my life.

Be well and in touch,
MBI