MIRROR III - Hair

Besides muscularity and body tone, there are two other very important features that play into the self-criticism that I endure when looking in the mirror and when comparing myself to other men – my hair and stretch marks.

Hair – During my adolescence and early twenties, my hair was considered one of my best features. It was beautifully wavy and thick. I could literally have it styled in any manner and it would compliment my face. Hair stylists would compliment me and I was often asked if photos could be taken of the cut they gave me so to be included within their styling portfolios. I was devastated when in my mid-to late twenties I started noticing some thinning on the top. My devastation tweaked with some denial eventually led me to consult with several doctors who prescribed ointments and pills at very exaggerated costs. As the years progressed my hair thinned further, but I have yet to be fully bald. Perhaps the Propecia and minoxidil combination have been somewhat successful in staving off total hair loss, but it isn’t a consolation that I am consistently happy to own.

The hair loss has had a tremendous effect on my esteem and total body image. While I have always had issues with my body shape, musculature, and weight, I was somewhat comfortable with my facial image. Others always told me that my face was handsome, and when looking in the mirror, I believed it at a deeper level though I would never admit to it. The hair loss has lessened the esteem I once held for my facial image. I no longer feel that I am as handsome and certainly can’t tolerate looking at my image in the mirror. I feel depreciated in value. Yes, I actually analogize the loss to that of a commodity that suffers a break and consequently losses value. As the hair thinned over the years (albeit at a slow rate) I have taken to wearing hats everywhere outside. I also wear a head bandana at the gym so when I do catch a reflection of myself in the mirror, I am not confronted with looking at my head with less hair. I used to not mind having pictures taken of me, now I usually shy away from them just so that I don’t have to see my head with less hair.

The hair loss has also affected the way I approach the world. I was never one to be overtly confident, but I usually was okay if the world was seeing my face. Now, I am more cautious when meeting people because I feel that the first thing they will notice is my thinning hair. My thoughts immediately turn to my looks and more specifically my hair when I have to meet a group of people or when I have to give a presentation. I especially dislike seeing friends or family that I have not seen in a few years because I know that they will undoubtedly notice the greater loss of hair that I have had from the previous time they have seen me. What am I afraid of? I fear that people will consider me ugly or less than another. I think that they may make fun of me in the same way that I was made fun of for being overweight and for being gay. I realize these are projections, but the acknowledgement does little to quay my mental histrionics. I also feel that my hair loss has made me a less viable dating option for other men. Although, I have always been attracted to bald men, I feel that the majority of gay men want men with a full head of hair. I have attributed the hair loss to men not finding me attractive. I often feel disempowered in the gay dating arena because of my hair loss. On line dating sites do nothing to assuage this notion, especially when I read profiles where men specifically state that they still have a “full head of hair”, or when profiles itemize everything but “bald” as being elements of attraction. When I read such things, I am not only filled with anger, fear and a forced arrogance that I try to muster from deep down, but I can also believe that these men are right. They have hair and can rightfully request (or demand) that those they date have hair too. There is a skewed sense of equity being played out. This faulty line of reasoning plays well in my sentiments of feeling “less than”. I know that the whole hair “thing” is yet another tool I use to berate my body image, but I cannot always easily reach for the brakes. Believe me, I realize that there are greater calamities in life than hair loss and I truly give some of my energies to those causes, but as I mentioned, I can’t break so easily from feeling quite down at times about the hair loss.

Can anyone relate? I would love to hear from you.

Be well,

MBI

(STRETCH MARKS to follow. . .)

EXERCISE

I was at the gym this morning. I still find it so difficult to tolerate looking at the muscular men that are around me. I like looking at them but I know that in doing so, I will only be caught in the loop of being quite self-critical. I can’t help comparing my body to theirs and coming up with all the ways in which my body does not measure up. I am working really hard at trying to gain more muscle mass. My trainer is generating workout routines that are targeting specific muscle groups, and in all fairness, the workouts are doing what they are supposed to. However, I am rarely satisfied. Yes, I do feel some sense of accomplishment after completing a routine and I can observe the “swelling” of my upper body muscles. But the enlargement lasts for a short period of time. It is only during this short period that I am able to tolerate looking at myself in the mirror while changing my shirt in the locker room. Getting up the courage and tolerance to change in the locker room in front of other men and the mirrors is yet another important entry detail to be added a bit later.

Articles within fitness magazines, and advice from nutritionists, athletes, and trainers all relay the importance of diet when working out and especially when attempting to build muscles. I know from my own experience and from my own readings that it is indeed important. The problem is or was . . . well, I guess still is (but to a lesser degree) . . . that I am afraid to eat as much as I should because of the calories that appropriately and unavoidably accompany food. My fear of being overweight and my body image issues have certainly assisted with my restriction of food. I used several forms of exercise to balance and mediate the calories that ingested. My modus operandi at the gym was to complete 45 to 60 minutes of intense cardiovascular activity and then conclude with 20 minutes of weight training. Although my trainer was always telling me that I was doing way too much cardio and not eating enough – I found it quite difficult to stop. I just imagined myself being overweight again – as I had been through childhood and adolescence. I would not return to that person and all of the other issues that were related to being fat. At least as a thin person I felt more acceptable in society and within the gay community (more on this in later entries). Sadly, the gym was not the only form of exercise I engaged in. In addition to going to the gym five times a week, I would also walk for miles and sometimes follow-up gym activity with visits to the park where I would run a few miles. I did this type of routine for years and indeed got thinner but certainly not buffed as I had hoped. I remember being so proud of myself as I witnessed clothes fitting more loosely then before. I took great pride in the fact that I could easily say “no” to savory foods when others around me could not. I also recall the time when I started to become angry at the pleasure others took in eating when I could not (more on this in later entry). The obsession with getting muscular continued and my self-identity became even more enmeshed with body image and exercise.

My workouts these days contain a smaller amount of cardio and have more emphasis placed on weight training. They are better balanced and I feel more energized than I felt in the past when I was truly exhausted from the sheer amount and intensity of the cardio workouts.

I have written a lot – and there are many subjects embedded within this one that merit more attention. I will write soon.

I look forward to hearing from you.

Stay well,

MBI

Food and More About Me

Ever since childhood, I have had a dysfunctional relationship with food. I ate very little at meal times, and then only some particular foods. This fact did not stand too well with my parents. Food is an extremely important symbol in the Italian culture. It is used to communicate and express feelings of love, hospitality and care. Many familial transactions take place around a setting where food is in some ways the ultimate arbiter. Therefore, my parents interpreted my temperamental eating habits as a personal assault perpetrated on their culinary talents and their skills as caregivers. To remedy the situation, my parents consulted with a physician about what they deemed to be my “poor” appetite. ” Although I was not medically diagnosed as being mal-nourished or below a normal body weight, I was still placed on medication that induced appetite. The intake of appetite stimulants coincided with episodes of verbal and physical abuse in school.

Fellow students and teachers were attacking me because my behavior was seen as atypical for a boy. My gender non-conformity created numerous incidents that placed me consistently on the margins of the school. While I achieved high grades, I was never fully accepted as a “normal” child. As episodes of abuse escalated, my need for food exceeded normal limits. I seemed to eat without any regard with what I was ingesting. Food was the brick and mortar used to shield me from the pain of the verbal and physical abuse. As my psychological identity was being annihilated by the stinging actions of my abusers, I was slowly waging combat against them with the only means I knew – food. I gradually built a fortress by increasing the external surface area of my physical being. As childhood turned into adolescence, I continued to over eat and the abusive incidences escalated to include attacks on my weight and appearance.

The years of verbal assault on my sexual orientation made me choose a road of self imposed isolation. In later adolescence and my early twenties I started therapy with a certified social worker. It was in therapy that I started to learn of my poor relationship with food, and the way I was using it to sublimate the feelings stirred by the teasing incidences. As I slowly took steps toward accepting my sexuality, I gradually started to balance my relationship with food, and commenced an exercise regiment. Feeling more confident in my identity and appearance, I started to engage with the homosexual community in hope of finally being wholly accepted by a social group. However, much to my horror and frustration, I discovered that the gay community also employed strict codes of standardization as to body image (appearance) and behavior. Not fitting neatly into these idealized normatives, I again found myself marginalized and isolated. Stimulated and infused with a barrage of images of beautiful men with muscular and toned bodies, I once again turned to food as a way of sublimating my feelings of loneliness, rejection and anger. I started to restrict many of the foods that once had given me some pleasure, and I also increased my exercise regiment to an excessive level. All this was done so that I could resemble the images that were being shown as the archetype of masculine homosexuality.

Can anyone relate? I would really like to hear from you.
Stay well, MBI

Mirror II

While at the gym, I often look at men as they stare at themselves in the mirror. I try to understand if they like what they are looking at. For some, it seems as if the reflection is a positive one, for others, the reflection causes a shrug and a renewed intensity in working out. The gym’s many mirrors unfortunately open the field for me to scrutinize parts of my body. Although I am pretty well covered, my arms are exposed and for me that usually invites self-criticism related to the size of my chest and arm muscles. As I look at myself, I am always hopeful (this feeling gets replaced by despair, which in turn get replaced by hope) that the muscularity in my upper torso will increase. I work out quite intensively on that part of my body. I even meet with a trainer to ensure that I am doing all of the possible exercises to increase muscularity and firmness. As I work out and look at myself in the mirror, I habitually use nearby muscular men as points of comparison. I am usually quite judgmental that my body does not compare to their athleticism and muscular beauty. I feel less than and deflated. I don’t measure up to being the man’s man they seem to symbolize and that our society venerates all too frequently. I desperately try not to give in to the incessant criticism that my mind can blindly and easily hurl at me. I try to stop the mental insults before I am left too down in despair. Sometimes I am successful and am able to inject a moderate amount of hope in between the insults, thereby lessening the blows. Other times, I am not as lucky and am left really feeling sad. When I am stuck in that level of self-defeat, it is very difficult to have any hope that my body will change. Hate and anger start welling up and progressively replace (or possible disguise) the despair. At this time, it is very easy for me to increase the intensity of my work out by endeavoring to lift weights that are far too heavy or engage in cardio-vascular activity for a longer period of time. I am caught in this hate that aggressively wants to punish my body for not conforming to the physical prescripts I expect.

Can anyone relate? I would really like to know.

Stay well, MBI

The Mirror

There are many times that looking in the mirror is still quite difficult. I can’t always tolerate what is being reflected. Too confront my image, I must sometimes squint so that I am not seeing everything as it is – so clear. By squinting, I obscure the reflection and can consequently tolerate a bit more of my body. Mirror issues stem back to my early twenties, when I was able to bare my facial image but could not look at my body. I was angry that all the exercise and dieting I did, never seemed to get my body as toned and muscular as I wanted. My being fat during childhood and early adolescence truly impacted my physical development. I stewed over the thought that my skin would never be as taut as I would like. I felt and still feel in some way lesser than (the other). The feelings I had about seeing the reflection of my body, slowly enveloped the images of my face as my hair progressively got thinner. Anger and sadness were mixed in one poisonous concoction as I pined over my hair loss. I felt that my facial image was suffering the same fate allotted to my body image – all was a horror. There were many months when I would have to cover mirrors in my apartment so that I would not spend time being cruel to myself in front of them. It worked for some time, but not many. I had this underlying urge to be cruel and face the immense sadness and anger that welled up inside me as I looked at my image.

I remember one moment – when I was six or seven – looking at my body in a mirror after having taken a bath and really liking what I saw. I was skinny and nicely tanned. I was excited at seeing my brown wavy hair and my young lean body. Maybe the years of separation between that moment and the present have skewed my reflection a bit, but my holding on to the memory is very important. That recollection is one of the rare moments that I looked in a mirror and was happy with what I looked like. Yes, there have been instances during my adult life (the present) when I have been content with how I look, but I never experienced the same elation that I experienced long ago.


Can anyone relate? Please let me know.
Stay well, MBI

An Introduction

I hope this web-source will be utilized to chronicle the male body experience.
Men are not often given the opportunity to share openly (and anonymously) their body issues or the feelings that may be stirred around weight, muscularity, hair loss, penis anxiety, food, exercise, and general appearance. Society has indoctrinated men to believe that overt body concerns mask feminine like sentiments. An overall fear of being stigmatized has kept many men silent about disclosing the various body issues they experience.

Research suggests that men in fact do have body image issues and concerns. It is therefore important and relevant to provide this venue for men to share their thoughts and feelings about their bodies. I want this to be a channel that men from all creeds (gay and straight) would use to relate to one another on one vitally important and poorly understood subject - the male body experience. We have all come to relate to our bodies in different ways based on what we have been taught by our families, peers, lovers, the media, and different facets of greater society. Each body has come to reflect not only its corporeal composition, but also the lessons – both good and bad – that have been experienced and internalized along the way. I believe sharing our “body” thoughts will make an important impact on each contributor’s life and would further enrich society’s understanding of the male body experience

Throughout this blogging process, I will aspire to contribute my own feelings and experiences as I continue to muddle through body image issues. I will also add articles and excerpts on body topics that I believe to be relevant to our discussions.

Let me start with a bit of an introduction. I am a thirty something year old gay man and know the body image topic quite well. Not only am I developing an expertise in it because of my academic and professional endeavors, but I have struggled in various points of my life with weight gain, weight loss, muscle size, hair loss, anorexia, exercise bulimia, chewing and spitting, and general attractiveness. I know. . . the list is long – but I hope not intimidating. Some of the issues continue to persist – but thankfully to a lesser degree then in the past.

Can you relate to any of the above? I would really like to "hear" from you.

Stay well, MBI