HAIR, AFFIRMATIONS, GYM, and DATING

I am still quite pensive about my hair and the over all look of my face. My hair concerns have always been present (you should know that by now – see prior entries), but it is the impending visit from my relatives that is making me more self-conscious. I do not want them to severely criticize my looks because of my hair loss. I am afraid that they will verbalize all that I am feeling (ugly, pathetic etc.). Their confirmation will be so painful to me. I am trying to use positive affirmations to counter-act all this angst but it is so difficult. The negative thoughts on appearance are integrated with a habitually set mode of negative operation. My affirmations need to work over-time to really make a difference. Yet, I will try.

My gym activity continues to be consistent. I am afraid with the coming winter that I will not want to go as often since it will be very cold and dark most mornings when I scheduled to attend. I will have to try and take care of myself by not going on those days but I know the guilt will be great.

I am working hard in cardio and in weightlifting. I have lessened the cardio a bit so that I can focus more energy on the weights. I feel that my body is improving, though it still is quite difficult for me to look at myself in the mirror. I have gone back to changing clothes in the locker room, but I am in a state of panic each time a guy passes by. I feel that every eye is on each ugly part, being judgmental and assessing superiority to me.

No dates on the horizon, and not that much of a care. That is the most troublesome part. I wish that I could care as much as I did in the past. There is a strong feeling of indifference.
Have a good Halloween. MBI

A DREAM, PICTURES, HAIR AND BODY IMAGE

In a dream I had two nights ago, I recall having a different face and being quite shocked with the features. There weren’t bad in any way, but just so different to my present facial construction. I was also taken with the fact that I had a great deal of hair on my head. The feelings I remember were anxiety, curiosity and fear. There was an understanding within the dream that my new identity had an underlying logic, yet I was trying desperately to recall the features that my “old” face had.

This dream definitely hits upon the well of emotions I have with body image. As I discussed in the last entry, the fear and anxiety stirred when the pictures were taken at the wedding I attended, was yet another reminder at just how deep these feelings are for me. This week, I was given a set of the pictures and I was afraid to look at them for a few days. I did not want to feel bad about myself, especially after the work I am doing with positive reflection and meditations. I eventually found the courage to take a peek, and I was disappointed at how bare my head looks. My lack of hair ruins the symmetry and framing of my face. I seem to look like a totally different person than the one I envision. The dream lives on – hence the new looking face.

I know – in the scope of the world’s problems, especially these days – this shouldn’t be a major issue. Yet, I am unable to make the pain subside. The thoughts of my hair and all that it relates to – aging, attraction, body image, relationships, and bullying – are consistently beating on my mind. I get momentary breaks during meditation, studying and when totally engrossed at work, but even with these activities the thoughts creep up intermittently.

I always wonder if the hair factor has a lot to do with my inability to get a date. Not so much from the perspective of people finding me ugly – although that thought is definitely a component in the formulation. But rather in the fact that my feeling unattractive dissuades sends out negative energy which in turn dissuades people from approaching me. It has been so long since I have dated anyone seriously that I feel as if it is never going to happen again. That is when the age factor turns up all over again. STOP AND THINK POSITIVELY!!!!

BODY IMAGE, PICTURES AND LONELINESS

I spent Friday evening at a wedding and though some of my thoughts were engaged with other people and on the bride and groom, I did catch myself also stuck in moments of daunting sadness. I was reminded many times over of my loneliness and I was also taken in by thoughts of poor body image. The theme of love and couplehood are bound to bring up some emotions but what compounded these feelings was the incessant string of couples surrounding me. They all the more reminded me of that which I lack – a significant other. I realize that relationships are not made up of only cherubs and roses but I am reminded of my emptiness when that which contributes to it is staring me in the face - in great positive quantity. There is something that tells me that I am not ready for a relationship but yet I still yearn for companionship and love. I don’t think it would be fair to involve myself with anyone under my present thoughts, but that does not keep me shielded from the vulnerable feelings that loneliness ushers in.

With regard to body image - there remains a thick veneer on my thoughts ofself. Although I do feel as if strides are being made in various areas of my life, I continue to dance with body image. There are steps taken back and forth but never decidedly and permanently forward. There were so many pictures taken Friday night, and with each snapshot I was consumed with thoughts about how I looked and especially how I my face would appear with less hair on my head. The wedding clearly demonstrated to me how important pictures are in capturing moments. I have avoided capturing moments for the last 7 years of my life – since my hair started thinning. I used to love pictures and taking them, but now I completely freeze. I can’t stand my image being captured in a manner that does not leave me content. The images are but reminders of what was and what will never be again. I know – it sounds utterly dramatic. Well, when it comes to body image, it is about drama. But isn’t an acted one. It is truly felt at my very core.

Stay well, MBI

THE VISIT

Although I am trying to heavily embrace positive thoughts so that my mind will be less apt to go toward the negative – especially with regard to body image, I am anxious about one main even that is approaching in November. One of my aunts from Italy is coming for a visit. I haven’t seen her in over ten years – even though I have traveled to Italy in these ten years I have steered clear of my hometown. I did not want to see anyone that would comment on my hair and the difference that lay between now and the last time they had seen me quite a few years ago. I was afraid to receive a look that would precede the words that would inevitably follow – “look at how much hair you’ve lost.” My Italian relatives are not known for their diplomatic statements. When I was overweight, they told me right away at to the face that I looked to fat. I was stunned at their abrasive candor and swore that I would never be at the receiving end again. The next trip I made to the town – I made sure that I was thinner and looked my best. They left me alone.

I am afraid that my aunt will not be very accepting of me. Not that she is a nasty woman, quite to the contrary. But, my mother’s family pays a lot of attention to looks and the resemblance we have for each other in the family. If you don’t look like their side of the family, you are often cast aside as being “less than.” I am trying very hard to be happy with who I am and with repeating as many positive statement so that I will be inoculated (somewhat) from any statements she may make. I am speaking about this anxiety with my therapist and we are trying to come up with strategies to cope with any remark that I may hear.

Other than this – things are the same. I am continuing to exercise 6 days a week. I also am continuing with the consumption/destruction of two cakes a week. I am not spitting out any of it; whatever food gets placed in my mouth, I make a conscious effort to swallow. It makes me feel less guilty.

As the cold weather starts to role our way again, I have to reenter the locker room again to change my clothes. This process had become tolerable enough before the summer months. Now, I have to re-train myself in feeling the same tolerance all over again. It is a constant lesson. – I will write more about this the next time.

Sorry for not writing sooner, but school and work are really keeping me busy.

Stay well, MBI

ASSESSING THE WEEK

My week has been so very busy. One of the thoughts giving me consolation centers on my favorite cake. By now you know the routine. I don’t eat the whole cake but rather extract the parts that I feel give me the most comfort. The shameful deal is that it all goes so quickly. I am so enthralled by the process of cutting out the parts I like and putting them in my mouth, that I don’t fully savor the pleasure of the experience. It leaves before it has any time to settle in me. I think the immediacy of my actions with the cake speaks to the caloric guilt I have in turning to sweets and also the emotional charge that drive the whole experience in the first place. I do feel guilt about eating the cake (regardless of the portion). After eating, I immediately think of the gym and what I will have to do to not feel the full effects of what I have just eaten.

The gym still continues to be a faithful companion. There are days that I am more receptive to hearing my body and there are days where I stubbornly ignore its calls for attention. I am getting better at not ignoring when I am too tired to go. However, these are interconnected with days driven by poor esteem, control and attractiveness issues.

I do feel better. Somehow, my introspection (through self analysis and therapy) and understanding of association between emotions and actions are making more sense. That comprehension is facilitating my ability to be aware, and to be more adept at listening to what is better for me (the self).