I am one to obsess over food, calorie counting and exercise – although, it is getting better – less invasive in my every day life. I have also been known to obsess over a particular guy – not in the “fatal attraction” way, but rather in a manner that keeps me always in competition with him. The guy who I am attracted to at the gym is very much on my mind. I don’t know his personality at all – and thus am mostly fixed on his looks. He has a small thin but muscular body that I really am attracted to. He is also not ashamed of his body and is so quick to get undressed and walk around naked in the locker room. I so admire this quality since I am so the opposite. Today, I had finished working out before he even started. In fact, I thought he was not going to show up. He did – unfortunately, it was right in the middle of my taking off my sweat soaked shirts. I was embarrassed that he saw my body – loose skin and stretch marks. He must have judged it as not as good as his, and of course this made me feel so completely “less than.” The feelings of shame and disappointment kept me company on my long walk home. When I arrived at the apartment, I undressed and looked at myself in the mirror. I wanted to see what the guy saw in the locker room. I was hoping that there would be some miracle and that my body would have reflected more of my hard work. When looking at myself in the mirror, I wasn’t that displeased with the way I looked. I am not sure where the “satisfaction” came from. I still realized that my body was a far cry from the one I admired at the gym, but it was also not that bad. I am even scared to note this particular sentiment down. I immediately covered up my nakedness with clothes – since there have been days when staring at my body in the mirror quickly escalated to a criticizing session. Yet, I maintained some of the contentment. It is very strange and certainly something I want to explore more.
I am working out more these days – it is obsessively? I think some may characterize it as so but I am careful not to over do it. I may go to the gym with greater frequency but I try to minimize what is being done. I am using the gym as a way to counter my loneliness and lack of relationship. I am engaging with my body in a physical way and more so emotionally – due to my consistent therapy. I just can’t seem to engage with other men in a relationally romantic way. I am scared and also so mistrustful. Years ago, I would turn to food in order to fill the relational void. Now (and for many years), I turn to exercise and work, but with the knowledge that the void exists. I don’t want to be alone, yet, that is all I have known for so long. I have been eating cakes – just the parts I like – in some attempt to trigger the “feel good” mechanisms of long ago. It doesn’t work. The sweet foods do very little in relieving me of my loneliness.
Can anyone relate? I would love to know.
Take care, MBI
Sunday, November 30, 2008
Sunday, November 23, 2008
DATING, LOCKER ROOM
I am a bit sad because I saw this film of two young guys – teenagers - who went out on their first date together. Their excitement, confusion, beauty, and youth placed me in a nostalgic mood of my own adolescence that was so very different. I noticed that my feelings were tinged with sadness, jealousy, happiness and loss. I am so very happy that some teens are able to acknowledge their homosexual feelings and engage in adolescent exploration with other same sex individuals. Yet, I can’t help but feeling bad that I never experienced that myself. As gay rights increases, I also fear a loss of identity. I have come to identify so much with the abuse, discrimination, and ignorance that I am almost at a loss without it. However – I am willing to give it a try. I guess there is also this acknowledgement of not having anything to stand behind of for a sense of protection or excuse. My gay identity has been a cause of pain but also a source of comfort and a place where I can quickly turn for some excuse because of a behavioral inaction. I know that it is a pivotal part in my eating and body image concerns. I can only wonder, speculate and give some calculation to what body image will be like for the new generation of gay men and women that will be all the more immersed in the culture.
See those two young guys – on a date – all the more reminded me of my own lack of dates. The feelings of loss some quite abrasive and unbearable at times, but I am not sure what exactly I am mourning. There is the loss in the past and certainly that of the present, but am I truly sad, or am I sad because I feel as if I should be because of my current dating (zero) status? It may be a combination of both. I am sad that time is passing and I feel as if I am at a stand still with this part of my life. The thought of another, especially in a sexual sense, really closes me down and makes me go into a place of self-judgment with regard to my body. I have not undressed so long in front of another guy that I am not sure how I would handle it if given the opportunity. This very morning, exemplified this dilemma for me. I was in the locker room having just worked out. I was about to undress when a cute guy, who I had seen plenty of times, came and sat next to my locker. He was dressed and waiting for a friend to finish up. His closeness totally made me self-conscious of my body; I couldn’t get the nerve to take off my shirts to put on a dry one. I had to stay in my wet clothing. I have been in similar circumstances other times, and found the courage to change. However, this time he was just too close and perhaps I found him too attractive. Who knows??? It isn’t always easy to understand.
I must try to go on a date soon – just so that I can get back into some kind of physical mode. It is almost three years since I have been with someone. I feel so degraded in admitting that fact, but yet it is true. I have been working a lot on me, but being with another can also assist in that process. I must try not to ignore it.
Can anyone relate? I would love to know.
Stay well, MBI
See those two young guys – on a date – all the more reminded me of my own lack of dates. The feelings of loss some quite abrasive and unbearable at times, but I am not sure what exactly I am mourning. There is the loss in the past and certainly that of the present, but am I truly sad, or am I sad because I feel as if I should be because of my current dating (zero) status? It may be a combination of both. I am sad that time is passing and I feel as if I am at a stand still with this part of my life. The thought of another, especially in a sexual sense, really closes me down and makes me go into a place of self-judgment with regard to my body. I have not undressed so long in front of another guy that I am not sure how I would handle it if given the opportunity. This very morning, exemplified this dilemma for me. I was in the locker room having just worked out. I was about to undress when a cute guy, who I had seen plenty of times, came and sat next to my locker. He was dressed and waiting for a friend to finish up. His closeness totally made me self-conscious of my body; I couldn’t get the nerve to take off my shirts to put on a dry one. I had to stay in my wet clothing. I have been in similar circumstances other times, and found the courage to change. However, this time he was just too close and perhaps I found him too attractive. Who knows??? It isn’t always easy to understand.
I must try to go on a date soon – just so that I can get back into some kind of physical mode. It is almost three years since I have been with someone. I feel so degraded in admitting that fact, but yet it is true. I have been working a lot on me, but being with another can also assist in that process. I must try not to ignore it.
Can anyone relate? I would love to know.
Stay well, MBI
Friday, November 14, 2008
UPDATE, EXERCISE and RECOVERY
Well, my relatives are here and I am very happy to report that they did not mention my hair thus far. They actually said that I looked thin and shouldn’t lose any more weight, but they hadn’t seen me for over 11 years, therefore, I could understand the weight comment (when they had seen me last I was around 15 to 20 lbs heavier). I am so incredibly grateful that they made no mention of my hair, but I am always very concerned when conversation steers toward appearance and aging. I feel that it will eventually turn to me. I am trying very much to not go into any analytical stances when it comes to my appearance but it remains a difficult feat.
I have lost two days of exercise this week because of my exhaustion with work, school and personal life. Two years ago, the absences would have sent me into a downward emotional tailspin. I would have only been able to quay the feelings by severely limiting my food intake for those days or I would have forced myself to exercise more the next time. Today, while I cannot answer how I will behave when I re-enter the gym tomorrow, I am able to sit with the gym absences more comfortably. Yes, I still am a bit anxious, there is an internal feeling of being less special, the fear of being overweight is a bit more resonant – but I am handling it. There is anxiety in handling it too because I have identified with that other part so very long. To take steps in a more moderate direction causes some internal upheaval. I will have to continue to exercise patience – this is a new side of me.
Someone asked me the other day if I thought I was recovered from my eating problems. I quickly said, “no.” I don’t believe that I stated this so quickly because of any identity issues, but rather, I believe that I will never fully be recovered. Yes, I am in a better place than I have been in a long time but I still have my bouts of body image, chewing and spitting and excessive exercise. They don’t happen all at once as they used to, but situations still trigger these behavioral patterns to emerge. It is a work in progress.
stay well, MBI
I have lost two days of exercise this week because of my exhaustion with work, school and personal life. Two years ago, the absences would have sent me into a downward emotional tailspin. I would have only been able to quay the feelings by severely limiting my food intake for those days or I would have forced myself to exercise more the next time. Today, while I cannot answer how I will behave when I re-enter the gym tomorrow, I am able to sit with the gym absences more comfortably. Yes, I still am a bit anxious, there is an internal feeling of being less special, the fear of being overweight is a bit more resonant – but I am handling it. There is anxiety in handling it too because I have identified with that other part so very long. To take steps in a more moderate direction causes some internal upheaval. I will have to continue to exercise patience – this is a new side of me.
Someone asked me the other day if I thought I was recovered from my eating problems. I quickly said, “no.” I don’t believe that I stated this so quickly because of any identity issues, but rather, I believe that I will never fully be recovered. Yes, I am in a better place than I have been in a long time but I still have my bouts of body image, chewing and spitting and excessive exercise. They don’t happen all at once as they used to, but situations still trigger these behavioral patterns to emerge. It is a work in progress.
stay well, MBI
Friday, November 7, 2008
UPDATES
Another week has come and gone, and tomorrow marks the day that my aunt and cousin are due in from Italy. I am excited and nervous in seeing them after quite a few years. I am still quite anxious about whether they will give me any negative comments about my hair. There is a part of me that is moving into the zone of uncaring, but there still exists the other part that remains hyper vigilant. I really trying hard to move beyond this issue and just be who I am, but the old scripts that remain embedded in my mental circuitry consistently beg for attention.
I go in and out of body image satisfaction. There are days (most recently) when I have been feeling more content with my body. I’ve felt less depressed about different aspects of it. However, if I spend any exaggerated amount of time in front of the mirror (for me: an exaggeration is over 2 minutes), I start to really pick and destroy. There is a fine line that I must always try to balance. Sometimes its difficult the boundaries of the line.
I am feeling better about changing in the locker room, or rather; I am getting faster at just changing and not being stuck in the feelings. I can’t get myself to just rest with my shirt off. I can’ even look at another person when I am in that place. I feel totally self-conscious and judged. Yet, there is still so much merit in going through the exercise of doing it. It feels good afterward, but too much like medicine as I am going through the process.
My intake of food is consistent but still under what a man of my size should be eating. I realize when I under eat and also am more cognizant of the processes my thoughts follow when I am hungry and do not take provide my body with nourishment.
There is nothing happening on the dating front. I am sad about it, yet there are days of indifference too! I just miss being touched and fear that it will be so difficult to be comfortable with someone – physically – after such a long period of not being with anyone. The fear of having to confront those experiences and feelings keep me from moving on this aspect of my life.
Be well and in touch,
MBI
I go in and out of body image satisfaction. There are days (most recently) when I have been feeling more content with my body. I’ve felt less depressed about different aspects of it. However, if I spend any exaggerated amount of time in front of the mirror (for me: an exaggeration is over 2 minutes), I start to really pick and destroy. There is a fine line that I must always try to balance. Sometimes its difficult the boundaries of the line.
I am feeling better about changing in the locker room, or rather; I am getting faster at just changing and not being stuck in the feelings. I can’t get myself to just rest with my shirt off. I can’ even look at another person when I am in that place. I feel totally self-conscious and judged. Yet, there is still so much merit in going through the exercise of doing it. It feels good afterward, but too much like medicine as I am going through the process.
My intake of food is consistent but still under what a man of my size should be eating. I realize when I under eat and also am more cognizant of the processes my thoughts follow when I am hungry and do not take provide my body with nourishment.
There is nothing happening on the dating front. I am sad about it, yet there are days of indifference too! I just miss being touched and fear that it will be so difficult to be comfortable with someone – physically – after such a long period of not being with anyone. The fear of having to confront those experiences and feelings keep me from moving on this aspect of my life.
Be well and in touch,
MBI
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