My body issues and my inability to fully embrace love and affection have kept me from forming meaningful relationships with gay men. I don’t even turn to them for sex – there is no one I turn to for it. I am feeling my aloneness today and yearn for companionship that is meaningful and loving, beyond that shared with good friends. I am 38 and feel as if so many years have been lost, consumed in this tired emotional state of panic and disease of mind. Will I ever just let go? So many wrong turns have been taken in the past, and while I try to forgive and express compassion for the self, there is a pull to also exact some kind of revenge. But there is no need, punishment has been given all to much already.