UPDATES

Terribly busy with school and work and finding very little time to engage I other activities. I have to remain really focused on eating well and exercising moderately. If I restrict or exercise too much (or a conjunction of the two) then I may weaken my ability to do all that I have to act on.

I am eating well enough – vegetables, fish, dairy, some meats – but I do know that it isn’t anywhere near enough for all the activity that I engage in. I am always scampering to calculate the calories or the grams of fat, and that practice inhibits what I am able to comfortably eat. Of course, there are times when I am so disgusted with the processing and calculations that I just eat. But, that also leads to some forceful acts – where I just endeavor to fill my stomach – still with good food, but the act is done with violence rather than love – or with a real sense of nourishing the body.

Exercise is my staple – it really helps me deal with the anxiety and stress. I dislike going so early in the morning – because of the lack of daylight and cold, but I feel much better after a workout.

Dating is still a foreign thing to me. I have very little desire to put myself out there. I was going to meet someone this weekend, but made an excuse and cancelled. I am able to meet up with friends but I don’t want to invest time and energy into someone that really holds little interest.

My birthday was spent with family and friends – it went well even though there are so many feelings that are present about aging – body, love, professional pursuits etc.

Hope to write again soon.

MBI

Updates

Since I am very busy with my professional stuff, I am being ever so vigilant about my eating and exercise regiment. I have to be careful not to overdo the exercise, and I must take steps to continue eating enough. It amazes me how quickly I have the power to turn toward old habits of restriction and over exercising in order to gain control. I know well enough that such behaviors foster a false sense of control.

The gym is full of the New Year’s resolution folks. It is great to see so many people but it also annoys me because I have to endure the crowds. I am finding it difficult to get up in the morning to go to the gym because of the low temperatures and the darkness. My motivations for a toned and muscular body can only count so much these days. I do give myself a break but I also find that going helps me fight of seasonal affective depression. The endorphins give me a greater sense of hope and ability to cope during the winter months.

I continue to take off my pants in the locker room. I am always a bit anxious right before they come down – a slightly lower anxiety than the one I feel right before I take off my shirt (and stay bare chested). I have even delayed putting any clothes on so that I may test out my feelings and the state of my body in its semi-nakedness. There are feelings of excitement, eroticism, happiness, and pride when I am disrobed. I will have to monitor how these feelings progress.

It was my birthday this past weekend, and I have been inundated with thoughts, but I shall keep them for another entry.

Stay well, MBI

FOOD

I was able to have a pretty solid week food wise except for last night. I sifted through and destroyed 2 cakes. I ate the parts that I wanted to – but I dissected the rest and threw it all out. In conjunction to feeling really guilty, fat and fearful of the calories, I also felt extremely full. It was a punishment that I felt quite deserving because of what I did. Now, to figure out what led me to acting that way? I was feeling okay the whole day but there was a rising anger that I could not fully understand. I am not totally unsure of what caused the anger – it wasn’t one solitary incident – but rather a conflation of work, school, research and personal life. I think it all manifested itself in the frenzied eating. It is so very confusing because there is also some glimpses of solitary pleasure in the cake dissection. I enjoy eating the parts I do, but also I enjoy having the control in throwing the rest out. I hate the feelings afterward (as mentioned above) and the cost of it physically and financially.

GYM – There is some addiction that I am noticing with gaining muscle – the more I develop, the more I want to continue to work hard to maintain and enhance the look. There is an inner thrill that I obtain in viewing myself in the mirror and noticing that I am looking rather pumped after a workout. I hate admitting this out of fear of the feeling and image being taken away (remnants of magical thinking). It also distresses me because it further bonds me to the codes of masculinity that I have witnessed in other men and have not totally been liked.

I continue to undress – shirts and pants, although not at the same time. I am trying to become more comfortable with my body. How long will it take – I am about to turn another year older. Aging is yet another factor that leads me to working out at the gym with greater ferocity. I want to be able to do it before time ticks away and removes my strength. The work out also abates the anxiety of the aging process. A graceful acceptance is truly the key!!

Can anyone relate?

Stay well,
MBI

A NEW YEAR

Happy New Year!!! I was at the gym this very cold morning, and I wondered what in God’s name I was doing there? First, it was New Year day and there were very few people out or at the gym; second, it was freezing outside which made it quite an unpleasant 15 minute walk, and three, I have been battling a head and chest cold for the past couple of weeks. Yet, there I was in the middle of an empty fitness room trying to lift weights. I am working so hard for me, or a phantom boyfriend, or a critical social sphere? I don’t exactly know – but I can bet it is some combination of all three. I have been trying to examine what is driving me to go to the gym 6 to 7 days a week. I realize that given my heavy schedule with work and school that I am pushing it a bit, but I find it so very difficult to stop. I can see some results from my consistent work and I am so frightened to have it stop. I find it difficult to even write that I am going so often to the gym. There is a small part that believes admittance will cause the action to stop.

I took a bold step today in the locker room. I actually removed my pants and changed into a pair of jeans. Granted, this move was greatly motivated by the cold, but I did it nonetheless. It was okay – and I even took a moment to look at myself in the mirror to analyze what other may see. I did not mind the way my thighs, pelvis, and legs looked. I also took off my shirt – but that is something that I have been doing for quite a while – albeit with considerable anxiety. There was one guy present as I was taking my pants off, but I took a breath and did it anyway. It felt really good. I was empowered by the act and hope that I may continue to take such steps.

Holiday food madness is coming to an end – thankfully. I am so tired of having to sit around a dinner table for so many hours. Italians use holidays as an outlet to feast on foods (as many other cultures do) and I find it quite nice but very taxing as well.

Another year has past but the last has seen considerable progress. I am happy with the steps I have taken in some facets of my life, but the social part still needs further cultivation. I can only hope that continued strides are made.

I will write again soon (and sooner than other times).

Stay well, MBI