So, I was talking to a group of gay males tonight and that conversation all the more made me realize how much my body issues are making me miss out on exploring my sexuality. I believe my body image really creates walls that keeps me apart from others. It must give out this vibe that I am unapproachable. Will the day come when I am okay enough with my body to actually embrace my sexuality or will it be too late? As the year continue to march forward I get so scared of truly observing how much I miss out. Granted there are aspects of my life that are going well but there is plenty that continues to warrant attention.
Sex should not be all encompassing however, i have not had any sexual relations in over three years. That is not normal - and it is directly related to my body image. I am ashamed to admit that and feeling overwhelmingly judged, but it is the truth and I can't deny it.
MBI
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
Sunday, July 26, 2009
Here Again
I have been out of touch so long – but you have not been out of my thoughts. I am glad to finally return. I have been so very busy with work and classes. Things are progressing nicely but I do wish that the days were a bit longer.
How am I doing? Okay – still my eating issues persist – but I try to do what I can to not make it totally control my life. I have not been chewing and spitting as much as I did earlier in the year. I am not certain if that is a good indication or if that mode of caloric control is rearing its head in another area. It may very well be demonstrated in the fact that I am exercising a bit more these days. I am going to the gym 6 to 7 days a week. It started out gradually enough – I was going to the gym for 4 to 5 days a week for some years. However, I started to attend more often due to my inability to cope with a lot of anger that was accumulating due to my horrific work and class schedules. To combat the anger and anxiety I turned to the gym more often.
My body is more muscular than in February but I still feel that I should be even more muscular for all the work I do. You can clearly note that muscularity and body image are still on my mind. Not so heavily but inevitably present just the same. I have stopped seeing my trainer. I was getting sick of the same workout and wanted something different but he couldn’t deliver. Also, I could not stand being told what to do by yet another person in my life. I was getting too much from professors and bosses. Something had to give. This was the time when I was extremely unhappy and angry and therefore I had to strike out. I was also giving it to my therapist – and I took a break from him too. I returned three weeks later – still angry but with a different perspective.
My body is shaping up (although my hair still poses its threats). Friends have told me that I am working out too much and should be more muscular than I am. They suggest that I try a different work and that I start taking protein drinks. I am hesitant – not about the workout change – although that has some anxiety, but most because of the protein drinks. I don’t want to harm my body with giving it excessive protein. I need to investigate a bit further before I do anything.
MBI
How am I doing? Okay – still my eating issues persist – but I try to do what I can to not make it totally control my life. I have not been chewing and spitting as much as I did earlier in the year. I am not certain if that is a good indication or if that mode of caloric control is rearing its head in another area. It may very well be demonstrated in the fact that I am exercising a bit more these days. I am going to the gym 6 to 7 days a week. It started out gradually enough – I was going to the gym for 4 to 5 days a week for some years. However, I started to attend more often due to my inability to cope with a lot of anger that was accumulating due to my horrific work and class schedules. To combat the anger and anxiety I turned to the gym more often.
My body is more muscular than in February but I still feel that I should be even more muscular for all the work I do. You can clearly note that muscularity and body image are still on my mind. Not so heavily but inevitably present just the same. I have stopped seeing my trainer. I was getting sick of the same workout and wanted something different but he couldn’t deliver. Also, I could not stand being told what to do by yet another person in my life. I was getting too much from professors and bosses. Something had to give. This was the time when I was extremely unhappy and angry and therefore I had to strike out. I was also giving it to my therapist – and I took a break from him too. I returned three weeks later – still angry but with a different perspective.
My body is shaping up (although my hair still poses its threats). Friends have told me that I am working out too much and should be more muscular than I am. They suggest that I try a different work and that I start taking protein drinks. I am hesitant – not about the workout change – although that has some anxiety, but most because of the protein drinks. I don’t want to harm my body with giving it excessive protein. I need to investigate a bit further before I do anything.
MBI
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