I feel so guilty at the moment . . ., well, perhaps not guilty but just anxious. I haven’t gone to the gym today because I felt so tired. I was so tired yesterday and I went but felt annoyed throughout the workout. I was fatigued and wanted to get out of there. The increased humidity and heat (from the weather) have really been getting to me as of late. I have been sweating incredibly and have just felt knocked out. Since I have the day off from work, I wanted to really treat myself by not going to the gym and finally just staying in bed past 8 am. Now I am feeling a bit upset for not fighting my ‘tiredness”. However, at the same time, I realize that my body does need a rest and this day will prove to be beneficial – physically.

I have started to eat more proteins in hope of increasing my muscle tone. I also have increased the amount of weight training. I am still not ingesting as much protein as I should, but my eating issues interfere. I am trying my best to work past this – even if temporary.

My body issues and my inability to fully embrace love and affection have kept me from forming meaningful relationships with gay men. I don’t even turn to them for sex – there is no one I turn to for it. I am feeling my aloneness today and yearn for companionship that is meaningful and loving, beyond that shared with good friends. I am 38 and feel as if so many years have been lost, consumed in this tired emotional state of panic and disease of mind. Will I ever just let go? So many wrong turns have been taken in the past, and while I try to forgive and express compassion for the self, there is a pull to also exact some kind of revenge. But there is no need, punishment has been given all to much already.

I am trying to take the advice of several friends to eat more food, most especially protein. I have lost some weight in the last few weeks, and while the weight loss is not great – it certainly will not help in my quest wish to be and appear more muscular. My cousin’s boyfriend will be directing my weight training tomorrow and dieting plan. He is quite knowledgeable about body building (amateur level) and I want to at least get his perspective.

Things are going okay. I am busy with research and work but find it pleasing. I am trying to stay in the dating game by being active on the dating websites (match, yahoo personals etc.). I am not finding anyone truly interesting or interested in me, but it is better than remaining socially isolated.

I had the opportunity to attend a friend’s pool party this weekend, but there were all women, and I just don’t want to put up with them again. I love them, but I rather be alone than have to be reminded that most of my friends consist of women and not some men. Of course, I feel blessed to have friends, but it becomes lonely being the only man in the bunch.

I am trying to get more comfortable with my body by walking around the apartment in as little clothes as possible. It does help . . . until I catch a reflection of myself – then I become more critical. I need to let go of negative images of myself and appreciate the body that I presently have. There are times when I am okay with it – and somewhat comfortable, but it passes so quickly to another haphazard emotional moment.

speak to you soon, MBI

Hair hair and more hair - I am thinking so much about it. I notice how self conscious I am about my facial appearance because of my hair issue. Of course this has been a theme but there are many peaks and troughs. I am currently in a trough moment. The hair issue becomes magnified with my meeting new people and those that I have not seen for long periods of time. I am so tired of being so self aware about my appearance. I feel unattractive and old. These feelings will get better but how long will the good feeling last? I may never feel totally comfortable.

I went to chelsea piers to take in some sun and nice scenery. Of course there were a ton of gay men without shirts on. They intimidate me so much and send me into a whirlwind of self doubt at my own attractiveness. I yearn to have more muscles and a better body. Yet - I know deep down that the answers dont lie there.