FACEBOOK AND BODY IMAGE

Sorry for not having written in over a week. I was so busy with school and work that time flew. I hope that this kind of delay does not happen with great frequency.

Are any of you familiar with Facebook? I am not a member but many of my friends are and they keep me informed of others that that have reconnected with through the “friend” option on Facebook. Last week, a friend emailed me some photos she found of a guy that I knew a few years back. I hadn’t seen him in a while and was shocked at the change in his body. He was completely toned and muscular. When I dated Mike (not his actual name) his body would be characterized as being fit and thin. Now however, he had a six pack, big biceps and shoulders, and a very defined chest. It was a drastic difference in such a short period of time. Needless to say, I was immediately entranced by the photos and tried to use them as a way of punishing myself for how terrible my own body looked in comparison to his. The photos showed Mike with other guys who also had similar bodies. It was the typical stereotype image of the “Chelsea” gay gym body. My emotional gauge registered feelings of anger, jealousy, attraction, and curiosity. I could not help but be mesmerized by the images of these very good looking people. I was also taken by the sense of empowerment that they exuded, or at least I projected them to have. The stances depicted in the photos spoke loudly of their attractiveness, muscularity and masculinity. They defied the gender misnomers that have always been associated with gay men. There was no question that these guys were “men” and not women. I was angry at myself for being attracted to them, and I tried very hard not to imprint the images in my memory, for I knew how much I would be using them to motivate my own gym workout.

I realized quickly that Mike and his cohort were steroid users and that was the reason they attained such physical feats in a very short period of time. I was angry that I work so hard at the gym and yet can’t boast to have a body like Mike’s. Sure, if I used some kind of body enhancement, I guess that I too could be muscular in a short period of time, but I am too afraid of all the other damage those things do to the body. My trainer and I had a long talk about those pictures – I even printed them out so that I could show him and reconfirm my speculations about their using steroids. My trainer agreed, and helped me understand how much I did improve and that further improvements would eventually happen with patience, hard work and time. All things I knew, but I needed to hear from a professional and friend.

In the past, I would have really beaten myself – literally and figuratively – with the feelings that the photos stirred. In addition to emotions stated above, they also seemed to marginalize me and place me once again on the defensive. I felt excluded from the approved circle of “gayhood.” Similar to the feelings experienced as a kid when I was ostracized by schoolmates, the photos awakened emotions connected to isolation and being “less than.” I am trying very hard not to have those feelings remain in me for very long. I tried to move on after seeing those pictures, but it still took a few days to get things in perspective.

Stay well,
MBI

FOOD

I am noticing how angry I become with people who are really gluttonous. The holiday season always ushers in increased opportunities to indulge in eating. I have always been afraid of this time of year – one reason being the amount of sweet foods that are served at many holiday parties. That fear has slowly disappeared from me since I don’t indulge as much as used to. I have tapered so many of my “indulgent” habits with regard to food, but there are some that have remained for ritualistic purposes. I still need to have some kind of cake in the house so that I may treat myself after a difficult week. Although I don’t consume all of the cake, I need to have some part of it to still feel in touch with the old habit and with my old identity. There is some sense of relief at being able to eat a portion of the cake and throw the rest out. It is as if I have control and yet can still eat what I desire. Sometimes, I don’t feel like that I really want it, rather, I am behaving on program – it is all habit. It seems that many people work off of habit – especially those that over-eat. Of course habits are aligned with many emotional triggers.

Over-eating, making noise while eating, and overly enjoying food – are factors that trigger anger in me. I can’t seem to tolerate it all that much; often I have to leave the room when anyone is reacting to food that way. I almost feel that the person is directly confronting me with something. My father has a tendency to rub his hands together when he is enjoying a piece of meat. He will put down his fork and knife and will chew while also rubbing his hands together – as if enraptured by the taste. At that moment, while witnessing his behavior, I become incensed with anger and could seriously fantasize about hurting him. I usually just leave the table so that I can get a breather. Since food strikes both fear and pleasure (some) in me, it is difficult to discern middle spectrum of emotions that tie with it. There are certain foods that are reminiscent of my childhood and thus create a good connection, but these are few and far in between. At a recent Thanksgiving dinner, I could not sit at the table for the whole duration of time. I think doing so is wasteful. In addition, I don’t want to see people continuously eating and not have a regard for how much food they are eating.

I am angry at my own inability to relax around food and to indulge freely and calmly. I am jealous of others who eat with steadfast tendencies and lack of concern. I am making a lot of progress when it comes to food. There are more areas where I can finally acknowledge the feelings related to food. Before, and for such a long time, I was not even aware of the feelings attached. I have stopped for quite a few weeks the chewing and spitting behavior, but I have also noticed that my gym activity has increased a bit. Is this because I am trying to compensate for the food intake? Or are there reasons related to the cute guy I am interested in? It may very well be a confluence of forces. I hope to untangle it – a bit at a time.

Stay well, MBI.