FOOD

I am noticing how angry I become with people who are really gluttonous. The holiday season always ushers in increased opportunities to indulge in eating. I have always been afraid of this time of year – one reason being the amount of sweet foods that are served at many holiday parties. That fear has slowly disappeared from me since I don’t indulge as much as used to. I have tapered so many of my “indulgent” habits with regard to food, but there are some that have remained for ritualistic purposes. I still need to have some kind of cake in the house so that I may treat myself after a difficult week. Although I don’t consume all of the cake, I need to have some part of it to still feel in touch with the old habit and with my old identity. There is some sense of relief at being able to eat a portion of the cake and throw the rest out. It is as if I have control and yet can still eat what I desire. Sometimes, I don’t feel like that I really want it, rather, I am behaving on program – it is all habit. It seems that many people work off of habit – especially those that over-eat. Of course habits are aligned with many emotional triggers.

Over-eating, making noise while eating, and overly enjoying food – are factors that trigger anger in me. I can’t seem to tolerate it all that much; often I have to leave the room when anyone is reacting to food that way. I almost feel that the person is directly confronting me with something. My father has a tendency to rub his hands together when he is enjoying a piece of meat. He will put down his fork and knife and will chew while also rubbing his hands together – as if enraptured by the taste. At that moment, while witnessing his behavior, I become incensed with anger and could seriously fantasize about hurting him. I usually just leave the table so that I can get a breather. Since food strikes both fear and pleasure (some) in me, it is difficult to discern middle spectrum of emotions that tie with it. There are certain foods that are reminiscent of my childhood and thus create a good connection, but these are few and far in between. At a recent Thanksgiving dinner, I could not sit at the table for the whole duration of time. I think doing so is wasteful. In addition, I don’t want to see people continuously eating and not have a regard for how much food they are eating.

I am angry at my own inability to relax around food and to indulge freely and calmly. I am jealous of others who eat with steadfast tendencies and lack of concern. I am making a lot of progress when it comes to food. There are more areas where I can finally acknowledge the feelings related to food. Before, and for such a long time, I was not even aware of the feelings attached. I have stopped for quite a few weeks the chewing and spitting behavior, but I have also noticed that my gym activity has increased a bit. Is this because I am trying to compensate for the food intake? Or are there reasons related to the cute guy I am interested in? It may very well be a confluence of forces. I hope to untangle it – a bit at a time.

Stay well, MBI.