As I mentioned in a previous entry, I have a series of stretch marks that cover certain areas of my body. The ones on the undersides of my arms and the top of my shoulders are most annoying during the summer months because they are easily noticeable when I’m wearing short-sleeved shirts. It seems that I am more self-conscious of these particular stretch marks this summer than I was in the past. I’m not sure exactly why. It could be that I am feeling somewhat pleased that my arms are a bit more muscular. Naturally, a good feeling associated with my body is hard to handle, therefore I have to find something about the same area of my body (arms) to feel bad about. This behavior keeps me perpetually cycling in and out of states of body image depression. I have marked peaks of being “okay” with parts of my body and marked troughs of feeling miserable. The lighter feelings are still so alien to me that they feel raw and indigestible. I have to quickly return to conjuring feelings of anxiety and sadness so that I may better modulate/process the lighter feelings.
The stretch marks seem to be the chosen issue of choice to do the modulating. I try not to expose any part of the arm that will show the stretch marks but this feat is very difficult to achieve when wearing casual summer shirts – all have short sleeves. I rarely expose the shoulders with wearing one of the sleeve-less T-shirts. However, I have started wearing the sleeveless T’s at home but will put on another shirt if I happen to go out or if I receive any visitors. I am most vulnerable to have the underside of my arms exposed when I am strap hanging on the trains. I usually try to stand by the doors or hold on to a pole, but the “L” train is really crowded these days, so I am often stuck with have to hold on to one of the upper bars (“strap hangars”). During short-sleeveless summer months, crowded trains with only strap hangars free create a great deal anxiety. I cover the exposed underarm with my hand, while trying to look nonchalant and natural about the whole position. It seems to work, but it annoys me that I have become so bothered by this. I become so pre-occupied that the people next to me are looking at the stretch marks that I often cannot concentrate on the book I am trying to read. At the same time, I am also feeling very angry for being so affected by such worries. I really envy (and at the same time am intimidated by) those men that are able to wear their clothes and expose their bodies without any internal or external concerns.
I am riddled with guilt at being so stuck on these physical/superficial issues. I truly realize that there are much greater calamities in the world, and yet I can really be swayed with such little things that don’t seem to “little” when I am stuck in a body image depression.
Can anyone relate?
Stay well, MBI
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
Sunday, July 27, 2008
HAIR - AGAIN
This has been a rough weekend. Even with all the meditation and self-reflection, I am often taken by feelings of depression, nostalgia, remorse, anger and sadness when thinking about my body. I’ve noticed that my hair has thinned a bit more in the middle area of my scalp. I can actually see hairless clear skin. My years of taking Propecia and using Rogaine are not helping in the way that I had hoped. This isn’t a new revelation – I have been witness to their non-effectiveness (perhaps they have slowed the hair loss process, but I have not seen any regrowth). I have contemplated hair transplants but am too scared of possible scarring and also of it not looking good. I also don’t care for the cost. Honestly, I am not turning to surgery because there is a hint of hope that I will “grow” to accept this change in my appearance and will love me for who I am. I am so desperate to find inner peace with all these body image demons that keep popping in and out of my daily existence.
I keep reading so many articles and books on body image and am taken with the fact that so many men suffer with body image issues in silence. Researchers keep stating that numbers are so difficult to accurately assess because men are usually ashamed of admitting their concerns with body related issues. Different stigmatizations often hinder the process of being honest with others and more importantly with themselves. I hope to be one of the men that change that by relating my issues.
I feel quite self-conscious of my looks – most especially during these circumstances when I have noticed another unpleasant aesthetic change in my appearance. I was to join some family and friends at a celebration this evening but have decided not to go. I know that most of my decision was based on how poorly I feel about my looks (notably my hair). I am quite ashamed to admit this publicly. I feel small, transparent, superficial and not very proud. However, the only way I can honestly grapple with these self-obsessed thoughts is to air them out and try to make some sense of them. I don’t believe I’m a selfish person, but relaying my thoughts and issues on the body really makes me feel as if I were self-involved. I make a lot of effort to concentrate on other matters in the world and in my immediate environment, but it becomes a battle between old habits and new fledgling ones. Even though the new are positive the old rooted ones usually are quicker to the draw.
With each two steps taken forward in self-understanding, there is another taken back. I even indulged in cookies this weekend, but ended up spitting most of it out. I stuffed my mouth with so many cookies that none could fit. I chewed and chewed, and there was strong part of me that wanted to swallow but I was too afraid of the calories. I did swallow of little of the churned mush and spit the rest out. What a waste!! I am ashamed by what I did, but not beaten. I will try to do better.
Stay well, MBI
I keep reading so many articles and books on body image and am taken with the fact that so many men suffer with body image issues in silence. Researchers keep stating that numbers are so difficult to accurately assess because men are usually ashamed of admitting their concerns with body related issues. Different stigmatizations often hinder the process of being honest with others and more importantly with themselves. I hope to be one of the men that change that by relating my issues.
I feel quite self-conscious of my looks – most especially during these circumstances when I have noticed another unpleasant aesthetic change in my appearance. I was to join some family and friends at a celebration this evening but have decided not to go. I know that most of my decision was based on how poorly I feel about my looks (notably my hair). I am quite ashamed to admit this publicly. I feel small, transparent, superficial and not very proud. However, the only way I can honestly grapple with these self-obsessed thoughts is to air them out and try to make some sense of them. I don’t believe I’m a selfish person, but relaying my thoughts and issues on the body really makes me feel as if I were self-involved. I make a lot of effort to concentrate on other matters in the world and in my immediate environment, but it becomes a battle between old habits and new fledgling ones. Even though the new are positive the old rooted ones usually are quicker to the draw.
With each two steps taken forward in self-understanding, there is another taken back. I even indulged in cookies this weekend, but ended up spitting most of it out. I stuffed my mouth with so many cookies that none could fit. I chewed and chewed, and there was strong part of me that wanted to swallow but I was too afraid of the calories. I did swallow of little of the churned mush and spit the rest out. What a waste!! I am ashamed by what I did, but not beaten. I will try to do better.
Stay well, MBI
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
DATING - INTERNET II
Using the Internet to browse through dating sites is an easy enough task. There are many dating/hooking up sites dedicated to connecting men and it isn’t difficult to understand how they operate. The ordeal is not in the operation/maneuvering but rather in the content. Attached to the brief and not so brief profiles of the varied members are the inevitable pictures. Most of the images are of a smiling man trying to look his most handsome, or of a man doing his best not to appear as if he has spent several long minutes trying to find just the right position that would seem natural. I have done the Internet dating thing for a long time and have gone through my own posing and re-posing (much to my cousin’s annoyance – she is the one I usually get to take the pictures). I can certainly relate to these images and understand the need to give several portrait shots.
The pictures that give me the most trouble are of the perspective connection/date in his undershorts, or shirtless, or on a beach with small bathing trunks, or of him flexing his biceps and triceps in a bathroom mirror, or of him lying on a bed – bare-chested. Most of the men that pose in these positions have an athletic, toned and muscular build. They look good in the pictures and they know it. That is why they are advertising it in such a public forum. It’s not the partial nudity of the content that bothers me, but rather it is in what the content is saying about gay men and our community. So much value is being placed on how good the person looks that often profiles are note even read. The pictures are doing most of the communicating and they are loudly stating how important looks are to the gay male community.
Yes, we do live in a very visually oriented world and when encountering someone for the first time, especially in “dating” circumstances, looks are important. They are often the cornerstones for initial attraction. But, does the image have to be one of a half naked man to get someone’s attention? I often feel that gay men are objectifying their bodies in similar ways to women. The male body has slowly evolved to being a commodity. It is transformed into an advertising vessel devoid of sentiment, psychology and intelligence.
The emphasis on body attractiveness is also shouted within the site profiles. Members quite often write their height, weight, age, the muscularity of their chests and biceps and (depending on the type of site) their penis size. They will also specify the physical specification they are looking for in a male partner. In reading many of the profiles, I feel as if a lot of the men are living in a fantasy world of expectations. Many seek very attractive, muscular, toned, athletic, well-endowed (7 and more inches) men who are 5 to ten years younger then they are.
I try to avoid reading such profiles and also try to visit Internet sites that seem to be more seriously focused on creating long-term relationships. Yet, even those sites have their fair share of fitness and body focused profiles. They certainly don’t help my body image issues. Reading them often depresses me and makes me feel as if I were the “other”. Once again, I am kneading myself to fit into a specifically set identity and physical form. As time marches on, and I also face the inevitability of growing older, I am also trying to separate from sites that promote competitions based on attractiveness and sexuality.
Can anyone relate?
Stay well, MBI
The pictures that give me the most trouble are of the perspective connection/date in his undershorts, or shirtless, or on a beach with small bathing trunks, or of him flexing his biceps and triceps in a bathroom mirror, or of him lying on a bed – bare-chested. Most of the men that pose in these positions have an athletic, toned and muscular build. They look good in the pictures and they know it. That is why they are advertising it in such a public forum. It’s not the partial nudity of the content that bothers me, but rather it is in what the content is saying about gay men and our community. So much value is being placed on how good the person looks that often profiles are note even read. The pictures are doing most of the communicating and they are loudly stating how important looks are to the gay male community.
Yes, we do live in a very visually oriented world and when encountering someone for the first time, especially in “dating” circumstances, looks are important. They are often the cornerstones for initial attraction. But, does the image have to be one of a half naked man to get someone’s attention? I often feel that gay men are objectifying their bodies in similar ways to women. The male body has slowly evolved to being a commodity. It is transformed into an advertising vessel devoid of sentiment, psychology and intelligence.
The emphasis on body attractiveness is also shouted within the site profiles. Members quite often write their height, weight, age, the muscularity of their chests and biceps and (depending on the type of site) their penis size. They will also specify the physical specification they are looking for in a male partner. In reading many of the profiles, I feel as if a lot of the men are living in a fantasy world of expectations. Many seek very attractive, muscular, toned, athletic, well-endowed (7 and more inches) men who are 5 to ten years younger then they are.
I try to avoid reading such profiles and also try to visit Internet sites that seem to be more seriously focused on creating long-term relationships. Yet, even those sites have their fair share of fitness and body focused profiles. They certainly don’t help my body image issues. Reading them often depresses me and makes me feel as if I were the “other”. Once again, I am kneading myself to fit into a specifically set identity and physical form. As time marches on, and I also face the inevitability of growing older, I am also trying to separate from sites that promote competitions based on attractiveness and sexuality.
Can anyone relate?
Stay well, MBI
Monday, July 21, 2008
DATING - INTERNET
I’ve been checking out on-line dating websites for quite a long time. I’ve found average success (defined as two or more dates with the same man) but unfortunately none of the dates led to a long-term relationship. I often think that my issues with body image and food keep me from forming really substantive relationships. The two issues are not so overt (at least I don’t believe they are) that dates are scared away but rather the issues seem to hinder my meeting the right guy. As I briefly described in past logs, my reflections and actions on food and body image state a great deal about my intra and inter-personal relationships. They are smaller composites of my relation to the external world as defined by family and general society.
The men I have attracted in the past have followed some basic patterns.
One - the man at first appears to be available only to find out after a few successful dates that he is not over a past lover. I’ve experienced this type of rejection several times and it has severely affected my ability to trust men. I’ve noticed that I evaluate and view my body with a similar distrust. I do not see my body form as consistent and steady. Rather, it is constantly in flux and appears as if it is constantly changing between “softness” and muscularity. I can’t seem to depend on it at all – rather similar to the men I’ve dated in the past.
Two - In a more audacious behavioral pattern, I tend to choose men who are quite thin. While I am attracted to thin (not so strange given my eating issues), the very fact that I choose thin lovers makes me feel all the more like a large overgrown whale. I become even more self-conscious about my appearance, which consequently causes too much tension and anxiety around the other person.
Three – I choose guys that are playful but the playfulness soon becomes an unpleasant revisit with past abusers. Flirtatious teasing can be pleasant but it seems that the guys I choose often take the light banter up a notch and start poking real fun at me. My own experience with being bullied as a child and teen makes it an all too familiar scenario. As an adult, I can tolerate it, but only for a short time (thankfully.) Then when I notice that it will not relent and the relationship is being defined by it, I quickly put a stop to the whole thing. This relational scheme is seen in the way that I use exercise. It taunts me with promises of being bigger and better. Also, my poor body image may be characterized as a long lamenting taunt. Each – exercise and body image, keeps me within the familiar frame set in childhood.
Can anyone relate?
More on internet dating soon.
Stay well, MBI
Saturday, July 19, 2008
MEDICATION II
I haven’t written in these past few days. I have been really busy with work and have also been battling my depression. It is difficult to remain in a good mood when depressive thoughts make each task and endeavor more somber and less fluid. Luckily, I feel a bit better today and want to continue to write about medication. It is a subject that has been on my mind of late since I have been experiencing more depressive thoughts.
As I previously explained, the Zoloft did help with the anxiety that often accompanied each task that I would set out to accomplish. It took the edge off certain fears and I functioned a bit better. However, as I also mentioned, my fear of gaining weight because of the increased craving for sugars, slowly progressed into an obsession. I start to devise certain exercise regiments that would ensure that my weight would remain the same or decrease despite the enormous intake of sugar. I am aware that my definition of “enormous” may be quite different from what would normally be expected when using such a word. However, what is important to note is that I was eating a lot more sweets while on the Zoloft than I had since days during childhood and adolescence when I would be considered obese. The modifications made to my exercise routine did the trick because I started losing weight and was able to relax a bit about the sugar issue. Unfortunately, during the time I was taking the Zoloft, I also noticed that my hair was drastically starting to thin. I was on the medication during my early to mid twenties, and that is the time that genetic factors will often awaken and play a major role in hairloss. While I accepted the part played by genetics, I also observed some culpability in the Zoloft. I knew that some SSRIs were linked to hairloss and I convinced myself that Zoloft had done its part to expedite what genetics would have done in a slower speed. The hairloss was the impetus that made me determined to have my medication changed. Mind you, I saw no problem with the obsessive compulsion to exercise.
My next and last medication was Effexor. This was by far the worst for me. I know several people taking Effexor and they have had good experiences using it. I did not. I was only on Effexor for 8 months, and so I can’t address if it stopped the medication-induced hairloss (my hairloss continued – most probably due to genetics). However, I can state that it stopped my craving for sugars and it quelled my obsession with exercise. UNFORTUNATELY – it also made me put on a great deal of weight. In the 8 months that I was on it, I gained close to 20 pounds. At first, I did not notice it. Effexor, more than Zoloft numbed my mind from focusing on the body and food issues. My clothes felt tighter, but I was not developing a large stomach (as when I was obese). I did notice that I was getting bigger, but it was all over. I distinctly recall when one of my cousins told me that I started to look like a “refrigerator.” No – I wasn’t growing two doors and a thermostat, but my frame was getting bigger and square-like. I remember looking in the gym’s mirror and trying to really take in the reflection staring back at me. I was appalled at the change. Needless to say, from that moment forward my eyes could only do one thing – focus on my body from head to foot. Despite the medication, I was shocked into bitter reality and faced the truth of what the medication was doing to my body.
More to come.
Can anyone relate? I would love to know.
Stay well, MBI
As I previously explained, the Zoloft did help with the anxiety that often accompanied each task that I would set out to accomplish. It took the edge off certain fears and I functioned a bit better. However, as I also mentioned, my fear of gaining weight because of the increased craving for sugars, slowly progressed into an obsession. I start to devise certain exercise regiments that would ensure that my weight would remain the same or decrease despite the enormous intake of sugar. I am aware that my definition of “enormous” may be quite different from what would normally be expected when using such a word. However, what is important to note is that I was eating a lot more sweets while on the Zoloft than I had since days during childhood and adolescence when I would be considered obese. The modifications made to my exercise routine did the trick because I started losing weight and was able to relax a bit about the sugar issue. Unfortunately, during the time I was taking the Zoloft, I also noticed that my hair was drastically starting to thin. I was on the medication during my early to mid twenties, and that is the time that genetic factors will often awaken and play a major role in hairloss. While I accepted the part played by genetics, I also observed some culpability in the Zoloft. I knew that some SSRIs were linked to hairloss and I convinced myself that Zoloft had done its part to expedite what genetics would have done in a slower speed. The hairloss was the impetus that made me determined to have my medication changed. Mind you, I saw no problem with the obsessive compulsion to exercise.
My next and last medication was Effexor. This was by far the worst for me. I know several people taking Effexor and they have had good experiences using it. I did not. I was only on Effexor for 8 months, and so I can’t address if it stopped the medication-induced hairloss (my hairloss continued – most probably due to genetics). However, I can state that it stopped my craving for sugars and it quelled my obsession with exercise. UNFORTUNATELY – it also made me put on a great deal of weight. In the 8 months that I was on it, I gained close to 20 pounds. At first, I did not notice it. Effexor, more than Zoloft numbed my mind from focusing on the body and food issues. My clothes felt tighter, but I was not developing a large stomach (as when I was obese). I did notice that I was getting bigger, but it was all over. I distinctly recall when one of my cousins told me that I started to look like a “refrigerator.” No – I wasn’t growing two doors and a thermostat, but my frame was getting bigger and square-like. I remember looking in the gym’s mirror and trying to really take in the reflection staring back at me. I was appalled at the change. Needless to say, from that moment forward my eyes could only do one thing – focus on my body from head to foot. Despite the medication, I was shocked into bitter reality and faced the truth of what the medication was doing to my body.
More to come.
Can anyone relate? I would love to know.
Stay well, MBI
Monday, July 14, 2008
MEDICATION
Why is it that I am feeling depressed?? Could it be that the summer slowdown - the fact that many professional and academic activities have decreased thus enabling me to stay for longer periods of time with myself and without activity has caused this?? I am constantly thinking about life - I have never shied away from such thoughts but yet this feels different. I feel lost - as if with little purpose. The only thing that gives me any source of comfort or grounding is my exercise routine. I look forward to it as if it were oxygen for life sustenance. While I wouldn’t necessarily classify these current feelings as a deep depression - it is a depression nonetheless.
I am thinking about medication. I always wonder if I am doing myself more of a disservice not being on it or am I in fact doing some good. I totally understand and have completely reviewed the merits of anti-depressants and other medications that assist a multitude of mental/emotional disorders and dysfunctions. I have witnessed how useful and beneficial they can be in restoring hope and life (always in conjunction with monitored therapy). However, my own experience with medications has me quite ambivalent about taking them now. I was on the SSRI - Zoloft for over three years - some 9 years ago and while it did calm my anxiety and depressive episodes - it also enormously effected my eating. Six months into taking Zoloft (at the prescribed amount of 200 mg) I started to crave a great deal of sweets. I could not stop eating cakes and candy - it seemed as if Zoloft had re-awakened the voracious sweet tooth of my childhood and early adolescence. I recall one instance when my craving was so strong that I even went into the outside trash container to retrieve the remainder of a chocolate cake that my sister had thrown out. I didn't have the patience to wait until I got inside so I ate it on the front stoop. In that instance, I saw myself as if outside the body – from the perspective of an external observer - and I could not believe my eyes. To me, it was like watching an addict who needed his quick fix. I was frightened at the sight of it all.
Imagine how terrified I was about gaining weight because of all the sweets I was eating. Consequently, I dedicated more time to exercise. At the time I was taking the medication, my doctors hadn't a clue about my food phobia or my issues with exercise. I didn't even comprehend its totality and so I never mentioned it to them. BUT, they never asked and that is a common error that many doctors make when examining male patients.
More about Medications soon.
Can anyone relate? I would really like to know.
Stay well, MBI
I am thinking about medication. I always wonder if I am doing myself more of a disservice not being on it or am I in fact doing some good. I totally understand and have completely reviewed the merits of anti-depressants and other medications that assist a multitude of mental/emotional disorders and dysfunctions. I have witnessed how useful and beneficial they can be in restoring hope and life (always in conjunction with monitored therapy). However, my own experience with medications has me quite ambivalent about taking them now. I was on the SSRI - Zoloft for over three years - some 9 years ago and while it did calm my anxiety and depressive episodes - it also enormously effected my eating. Six months into taking Zoloft (at the prescribed amount of 200 mg) I started to crave a great deal of sweets. I could not stop eating cakes and candy - it seemed as if Zoloft had re-awakened the voracious sweet tooth of my childhood and early adolescence. I recall one instance when my craving was so strong that I even went into the outside trash container to retrieve the remainder of a chocolate cake that my sister had thrown out. I didn't have the patience to wait until I got inside so I ate it on the front stoop. In that instance, I saw myself as if outside the body – from the perspective of an external observer - and I could not believe my eyes. To me, it was like watching an addict who needed his quick fix. I was frightened at the sight of it all.
Imagine how terrified I was about gaining weight because of all the sweets I was eating. Consequently, I dedicated more time to exercise. At the time I was taking the medication, my doctors hadn't a clue about my food phobia or my issues with exercise. I didn't even comprehend its totality and so I never mentioned it to them. BUT, they never asked and that is a common error that many doctors make when examining male patients.
More about Medications soon.
Can anyone relate? I would really like to know.
Stay well, MBI
Friday, July 11, 2008
DEPRESSION - AND OLD HABITS
I am quite depressed this evening and the biggest surprise is that the day did not start with such an air of melancholy.
My therapy session (after a two week absence) unleashed a great deal of anger that I was holding in but quite clearly was aware of during the absence. I feel out of sync, uncooperative with nature, and totally frustrated with my chosen lot. I am questioning my professional life, my interests, passions, and I am sorely remembering all the depressions and self-defeating monologues of the past (and sometimes present). I didn’t feel at all like eating dinner this evening. I wanted so badly to skip it and stay without putting any food in my stomach. I had to fight very hard to eat something (nutritious) knowing full well that I needed to put in some food so that I may better combat my depressed mood. Experience has taught me that depression takes a stronger grip when a stomach is empty and a constitution is weak. I don’t want to go there again, but it is so difficult to abandon the “friendly” habits of the past. I ended up eating a mixed vegetable salad with tuna fish but it left me yearning for something more. I ate some of my favorite yogurt hoping it would put things right, but that too did not hit the spot. The empty feeling continues to pervade my entire being. It feels as if it’s seeped through my pours and permeated my apartment. Although a feeling, the “emptiness” manifests as if whole and personified. I feel its presence in each room I move through, and it accompanies me through each activity I foolishly try to engage in. I am frightened that this dark feeling will bring me even lower into the abyss that I have known so well in the past. I am desperately trying to remain in control and not have it drag me down further. This too becomes a battle of wills between an “old habit” and a thought process that is more hopeful and functional. I pray the latter wins. My therapist has reminded me that I have gone through this before and I have recently been quite formidable in remaining even spirited even in difficult moments.
Amidst all of this I am thinking of my exercise session tomorrow. I need to be vigilant in not over doing it on the cardio machines. It is so easy to lose myself in the consistency of the machine’s pulse. Each stair climbed or mile completed feels as if I am unburdening the heaviness inside my chest. It livens the deadening that the emptiness envelopes around me and I am able to acknowledge the fast beating of my heart as a sign that I am still present and working instead of just habitually reacting. However, I am also quite painfully aware that the exercise too is a habitual reaction to the depressed feelings. That is why I must be cautious in not behaving as I normally do. I don’t want to over tax my body to the point of exhaustion. There have been times in the past when I ran so much that I could not run again the next day; leaving me crippled physically and emotionally.
Stay well,
MBI
My therapy session (after a two week absence) unleashed a great deal of anger that I was holding in but quite clearly was aware of during the absence. I feel out of sync, uncooperative with nature, and totally frustrated with my chosen lot. I am questioning my professional life, my interests, passions, and I am sorely remembering all the depressions and self-defeating monologues of the past (and sometimes present). I didn’t feel at all like eating dinner this evening. I wanted so badly to skip it and stay without putting any food in my stomach. I had to fight very hard to eat something (nutritious) knowing full well that I needed to put in some food so that I may better combat my depressed mood. Experience has taught me that depression takes a stronger grip when a stomach is empty and a constitution is weak. I don’t want to go there again, but it is so difficult to abandon the “friendly” habits of the past. I ended up eating a mixed vegetable salad with tuna fish but it left me yearning for something more. I ate some of my favorite yogurt hoping it would put things right, but that too did not hit the spot. The empty feeling continues to pervade my entire being. It feels as if it’s seeped through my pours and permeated my apartment. Although a feeling, the “emptiness” manifests as if whole and personified. I feel its presence in each room I move through, and it accompanies me through each activity I foolishly try to engage in. I am frightened that this dark feeling will bring me even lower into the abyss that I have known so well in the past. I am desperately trying to remain in control and not have it drag me down further. This too becomes a battle of wills between an “old habit” and a thought process that is more hopeful and functional. I pray the latter wins. My therapist has reminded me that I have gone through this before and I have recently been quite formidable in remaining even spirited even in difficult moments.
Amidst all of this I am thinking of my exercise session tomorrow. I need to be vigilant in not over doing it on the cardio machines. It is so easy to lose myself in the consistency of the machine’s pulse. Each stair climbed or mile completed feels as if I am unburdening the heaviness inside my chest. It livens the deadening that the emptiness envelopes around me and I am able to acknowledge the fast beating of my heart as a sign that I am still present and working instead of just habitually reacting. However, I am also quite painfully aware that the exercise too is a habitual reaction to the depressed feelings. That is why I must be cautious in not behaving as I normally do. I don’t want to over tax my body to the point of exhaustion. There have been times in the past when I ran so much that I could not run again the next day; leaving me crippled physically and emotionally.
Stay well,
MBI
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
EXERCISE ROUTINE - A CHANGE
I’ve noticed that my workout routines have increased in intensity. I am doing more cardio – at least 30 minutes more than usual – and its intensity it quite high. I have also been working out with weights with more vigor than before. What has caused the level to rise? The answer may not rest solely in one area – there may be quite a few precipitous factors, but as of yet I am not exactly sure what they may all be.
Possible explanations:
The summer months of hot and humid weather do make people expose their bodies more. I am aware that I have been looking at men’s bodies and noticing their thinness and muscularity. There is nothing new in this action (come summer, winter, fall and spring). However, in the summer months there is more exposed and that leaves more to analyze and compare.
I am also quite aware that I have been feeling more intensely empty. I can’t easily quiet, deny, lose, or distract the feeling as I did in the past. It is pervasive and must be dealt with at certain instances. However, exercise is one of the respites still left me to take refuge in. Although the feeling of internal loss is still with me during the exercise routine, it is momentarily incapacitated or at least bought to a size I can handle. I am able to find some sort of distraction in the different objectives of the exercise program. The true reward comes after the workout when I am flooded with the endorphins. There is a momentary lightness that makes me remember exactly what it is to feel good and strong. Some would ask why I am not on some kind of medication to help me feel better. Good question - I shall address that in the future.
I am attracted to a couple of guys, and the intensity of the workout may be my way of exorcising the attraction out of my system. I don’t have any inclination of asking the guys out (some of whom many not be gay) and therefore don’t know what to do with the feelings they stir inside. For the past 8 months I haven’t gone on one single date. Is this intentional? Not necessarily, but I’ve been sick of the dating scene for a bit of time and wanted a reason to take a break. If someone really special came along, I would hopefully jump on the opportunity (and him – for that matter), but otherwise I’m somehow remaining neutral (yet with feelings??). This “inaction” on my part is confusing, stirring anger (at lost time), and inciting frustration. In addition to finding some kind of explanation for it through my work in therapy, I am also trying to deal with it by acknowledging its presence. Sometimes though, the feelings are so intense that the only way I can handle it is by expelling some of emotions through exercise. You see – we’ve come back to the “chewing and spitting” again. It is all connected.
Can anyone relate? I would love to hear from you.
Stay well, MBI
Possible explanations:
The summer months of hot and humid weather do make people expose their bodies more. I am aware that I have been looking at men’s bodies and noticing their thinness and muscularity. There is nothing new in this action (come summer, winter, fall and spring). However, in the summer months there is more exposed and that leaves more to analyze and compare.
I am also quite aware that I have been feeling more intensely empty. I can’t easily quiet, deny, lose, or distract the feeling as I did in the past. It is pervasive and must be dealt with at certain instances. However, exercise is one of the respites still left me to take refuge in. Although the feeling of internal loss is still with me during the exercise routine, it is momentarily incapacitated or at least bought to a size I can handle. I am able to find some sort of distraction in the different objectives of the exercise program. The true reward comes after the workout when I am flooded with the endorphins. There is a momentary lightness that makes me remember exactly what it is to feel good and strong. Some would ask why I am not on some kind of medication to help me feel better. Good question - I shall address that in the future.
I am attracted to a couple of guys, and the intensity of the workout may be my way of exorcising the attraction out of my system. I don’t have any inclination of asking the guys out (some of whom many not be gay) and therefore don’t know what to do with the feelings they stir inside. For the past 8 months I haven’t gone on one single date. Is this intentional? Not necessarily, but I’ve been sick of the dating scene for a bit of time and wanted a reason to take a break. If someone really special came along, I would hopefully jump on the opportunity (and him – for that matter), but otherwise I’m somehow remaining neutral (yet with feelings??). This “inaction” on my part is confusing, stirring anger (at lost time), and inciting frustration. In addition to finding some kind of explanation for it through my work in therapy, I am also trying to deal with it by acknowledging its presence. Sometimes though, the feelings are so intense that the only way I can handle it is by expelling some of emotions through exercise. You see – we’ve come back to the “chewing and spitting” again. It is all connected.
Can anyone relate? I would love to hear from you.
Stay well, MBI
Sunday, July 6, 2008
SEX II
I would consider myself sexual, though I do not often engage in sex. I don’t often pursue sexual relationships – rarely have. There are many reasons for this and they too seem to stem from my personal experiences growing up. I have often wondered how sexual I would have been had I experienced something radically different from the past I have come to own. It always seems as if I am losing out on a host of sexual experiences because my many issues regarding self and body hinder my ability to be totally free.
When engaged in sexual activity, while quite aggressive, I am always cognizant of the other person present, and have always allowed them to control the situation. This is not because of a lack of energy or will on my past, but more for a need to reign in the issues that consistently block my ability to fully enjoy the moment. By allowing the other person to be the “aggressor” I don’t have to struggle with the thoughts that are besieging my brain; thoughts centered on my manliness, strength, body, power, and sexuality. I silence the bombardment of thoughts by numbing my self and my needs. Yes, there were times when I was the initiator and “controlled” the situation, but I always did so in the knowledge that I was acting outside of my perceived grain of existence. It was never something that was natural. When it did occur on instinct, I found the opportunity to berate myself for being so aggressive and powerful.
How could I be a strong sexual man, when a part of me wanted to be thin and slight compared to overweight men. Yet, I also wanted to be big and muscular to compete with the Adonis’ of the gay community. Since there are not simple answers or solutions, confusion is often the likely outcome.
My body issues often make me feel as if I am not physically worthy to be with a “good looking” man. When I am dating a guy who I believe to be physically attractive, I am quite stilled by thoughts of his judgments about my own looks. In the past, I dated men who would like to stay in bed and caress and touch me. Yes, the idea is a nice one, but can you imagine what that did for someone with my issues?? I did not want to express the thoughts that were racing through my mind as they were running their hands probingly over different parts of my body. I could not scream out “STOP IT” when they insisted on kissing me from head to toe – but damn how I wanted to. Imagine, my comfort when dating a guy who liked to hold (or feel) my crotch in his hands just for the hell of it, even when we were not engaged in sexual play. I could imagine expressing to any of them the level of my discomfort or revulsion at their seemingly “loving” gestures. So, at times, when changing the subject or the focus of the caress, did not work, I would endure their investigative touches. They honestly thought that caresses and rubbing were gestures of care and love. In an issue-less world I would have probably thought the same, but unfortunately the issues are present and so was the immense displeasure at being touched so finely and probingly.
Can anyone relate? I would really like to know.
Stay well, MBI
When engaged in sexual activity, while quite aggressive, I am always cognizant of the other person present, and have always allowed them to control the situation. This is not because of a lack of energy or will on my past, but more for a need to reign in the issues that consistently block my ability to fully enjoy the moment. By allowing the other person to be the “aggressor” I don’t have to struggle with the thoughts that are besieging my brain; thoughts centered on my manliness, strength, body, power, and sexuality. I silence the bombardment of thoughts by numbing my self and my needs. Yes, there were times when I was the initiator and “controlled” the situation, but I always did so in the knowledge that I was acting outside of my perceived grain of existence. It was never something that was natural. When it did occur on instinct, I found the opportunity to berate myself for being so aggressive and powerful.
How could I be a strong sexual man, when a part of me wanted to be thin and slight compared to overweight men. Yet, I also wanted to be big and muscular to compete with the Adonis’ of the gay community. Since there are not simple answers or solutions, confusion is often the likely outcome.
My body issues often make me feel as if I am not physically worthy to be with a “good looking” man. When I am dating a guy who I believe to be physically attractive, I am quite stilled by thoughts of his judgments about my own looks. In the past, I dated men who would like to stay in bed and caress and touch me. Yes, the idea is a nice one, but can you imagine what that did for someone with my issues?? I did not want to express the thoughts that were racing through my mind as they were running their hands probingly over different parts of my body. I could not scream out “STOP IT” when they insisted on kissing me from head to toe – but damn how I wanted to. Imagine, my comfort when dating a guy who liked to hold (or feel) my crotch in his hands just for the hell of it, even when we were not engaged in sexual play. I could imagine expressing to any of them the level of my discomfort or revulsion at their seemingly “loving” gestures. So, at times, when changing the subject or the focus of the caress, did not work, I would endure their investigative touches. They honestly thought that caresses and rubbing were gestures of care and love. In an issue-less world I would have probably thought the same, but unfortunately the issues are present and so was the immense displeasure at being touched so finely and probingly.
Can anyone relate? I would really like to know.
Stay well, MBI
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
DEPRESSION AND RELATIONSHIPS
I am feeling a bit depressed today. The summer months are great and I love the warm weather but I also seem to have more time on my hands because work starts to slow down and my school stuff is lessened. Thus, the summer gives me more time to concentrate on not being in a romantic relationship. Not that I necessarily want a relationship at this time, but the emptiness I feel often compels me to believe that a relationship would help to fill in the void. “Not always the case” – my therapist would reply.
Why am I writing about relationships in a blog that is devoted to male body image and eating issues? Simply because I feel that relationships are the cornerstone to our understanding of self. From our infancy we have constantly been in a direct relationship with objects, people and the environment. I feel that my relationship with food and self is a direct reflection of the way I have related to people and objects in my past (and in my present). Now, does that mean that I consciously created such dynamics? No – certainly not. My history and environmental circumstances have impacted, constructed and molded my personality and relational development into what it is today (minus all the years of therapy I’ve had to deal with the dysfunction). I have difficulty in just letting go and having a romantic relationship. I’ve had relationships in the past, but they are a bit too distant at this point. I am at a place where I am questioning whether I even care if I have another relationship. The pondering, however, does not erase or diminish the emptiness I feel in the pit of my stomach.
I’ve experienced this void for a very long time – before I even knew what it was. You see – I constantly was trying to fill the emptiness with something – be it work, academics, FOOD, going out, MORE FOOD, theatre, opera, EXERCISE, NO FOOD, MORE EXERCISE, etc. It wasn’t until after many years of therapy that I realized that I was using all those things to cover up the gnawing void. Also, many of those tactics used in the past, no longer anesthetized me from the inevitable feeling of emptiness. Since those things don’t work anymore, I am left with just tolerating the feelings. Granted – I do turn to food and exercise as habit would dictate, but not within the same behavioral patterns as previously experienced. I tend to exercise with more moderation and I tend to pick more at food than binge. Small steps – but improvements! The summer slow down generally brings the emptiness to mind – even when I am outside enjoying the weather. I just have to tolerate it and know that it is there for a reason – it stems from my experiences in infancy in not getting the parental attention I needed, the verbal and physical bullying, and the internalized and externalized homophobia. I have to figure out how much of my craving for a relationship is yet another method I use to quench the emptiness and what part is the actual desire.
Can anyone relate? I would really like to know.
Stay well, MBI
Why am I writing about relationships in a blog that is devoted to male body image and eating issues? Simply because I feel that relationships are the cornerstone to our understanding of self. From our infancy we have constantly been in a direct relationship with objects, people and the environment. I feel that my relationship with food and self is a direct reflection of the way I have related to people and objects in my past (and in my present). Now, does that mean that I consciously created such dynamics? No – certainly not. My history and environmental circumstances have impacted, constructed and molded my personality and relational development into what it is today (minus all the years of therapy I’ve had to deal with the dysfunction). I have difficulty in just letting go and having a romantic relationship. I’ve had relationships in the past, but they are a bit too distant at this point. I am at a place where I am questioning whether I even care if I have another relationship. The pondering, however, does not erase or diminish the emptiness I feel in the pit of my stomach.
I’ve experienced this void for a very long time – before I even knew what it was. You see – I constantly was trying to fill the emptiness with something – be it work, academics, FOOD, going out, MORE FOOD, theatre, opera, EXERCISE, NO FOOD, MORE EXERCISE, etc. It wasn’t until after many years of therapy that I realized that I was using all those things to cover up the gnawing void. Also, many of those tactics used in the past, no longer anesthetized me from the inevitable feeling of emptiness. Since those things don’t work anymore, I am left with just tolerating the feelings. Granted – I do turn to food and exercise as habit would dictate, but not within the same behavioral patterns as previously experienced. I tend to exercise with more moderation and I tend to pick more at food than binge. Small steps – but improvements! The summer slow down generally brings the emptiness to mind – even when I am outside enjoying the weather. I just have to tolerate it and know that it is there for a reason – it stems from my experiences in infancy in not getting the parental attention I needed, the verbal and physical bullying, and the internalized and externalized homophobia. I have to figure out how much of my craving for a relationship is yet another method I use to quench the emptiness and what part is the actual desire.
Can anyone relate? I would really like to know.
Stay well, MBI
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