FINALLY

I have not written in such a long time. I’ve been busy with classes and work. There is much to say but I am afraid that time is going to cut this communication short. I have been doing okay with the food stuff except that there are times when I forget to eat because of my crazy schedule. I have committed to eating more but that of course brings up feelings of guilt and worry about my weight. While the gym continues to play a part in my life, I do notice how conscious I have become of my food intake. I believe this is directly related to my schedule again. As there is a loss of control due to assignments and deadlines, I try to gain some bearing by controlling the eating. I am eating enough to go through the day, but sometimes it pains me to realize how little I do eat. There are days when lunch consists of a tiny salad and a piece of raisin bread. That is so very little for a grown man to eat. Granted I do have fruit an hour later, but still quite little. I grow angrier at this restriction or rather this habit of eating little. When I corporate a fair amount of snacks, I worry about weight, but regardless of the worry, I still eat it. Energy maintenance is essential to my getting through the day and weeks ahead. Therefore, even though worries of body image and weight still persist, I insist on progressing in a healthier way.

Every Friday I buy a couple of Entenmann’s cakes (more specifically – Cheese Buns). They are delicious and I love them. However, there is a ritual associated with this too. I do not eat the entire cake, in fact I only eat the cheese center of each bun. Great delight is taken in cutting the circular center out of each bun, removing all of the sugary glazing and then eating the sweet cheese. Again, I believe this action assists me in maintaining control and also in enjoying a contained amount of sweets. It does not provide the pleasure that cakes gave in the past, but there is enough reminiscence to gain some comfort.

Still nothing on the dating realm. I am at a loss and feel it strongly. I cant help but wonder if I will ever be with someone again? Time will tell.

UPDATES

Terribly busy with school and work and finding very little time to engage I other activities. I have to remain really focused on eating well and exercising moderately. If I restrict or exercise too much (or a conjunction of the two) then I may weaken my ability to do all that I have to act on.

I am eating well enough – vegetables, fish, dairy, some meats – but I do know that it isn’t anywhere near enough for all the activity that I engage in. I am always scampering to calculate the calories or the grams of fat, and that practice inhibits what I am able to comfortably eat. Of course, there are times when I am so disgusted with the processing and calculations that I just eat. But, that also leads to some forceful acts – where I just endeavor to fill my stomach – still with good food, but the act is done with violence rather than love – or with a real sense of nourishing the body.

Exercise is my staple – it really helps me deal with the anxiety and stress. I dislike going so early in the morning – because of the lack of daylight and cold, but I feel much better after a workout.

Dating is still a foreign thing to me. I have very little desire to put myself out there. I was going to meet someone this weekend, but made an excuse and cancelled. I am able to meet up with friends but I don’t want to invest time and energy into someone that really holds little interest.

My birthday was spent with family and friends – it went well even though there are so many feelings that are present about aging – body, love, professional pursuits etc.

Hope to write again soon.

MBI

Updates

Since I am very busy with my professional stuff, I am being ever so vigilant about my eating and exercise regiment. I have to be careful not to overdo the exercise, and I must take steps to continue eating enough. It amazes me how quickly I have the power to turn toward old habits of restriction and over exercising in order to gain control. I know well enough that such behaviors foster a false sense of control.

The gym is full of the New Year’s resolution folks. It is great to see so many people but it also annoys me because I have to endure the crowds. I am finding it difficult to get up in the morning to go to the gym because of the low temperatures and the darkness. My motivations for a toned and muscular body can only count so much these days. I do give myself a break but I also find that going helps me fight of seasonal affective depression. The endorphins give me a greater sense of hope and ability to cope during the winter months.

I continue to take off my pants in the locker room. I am always a bit anxious right before they come down – a slightly lower anxiety than the one I feel right before I take off my shirt (and stay bare chested). I have even delayed putting any clothes on so that I may test out my feelings and the state of my body in its semi-nakedness. There are feelings of excitement, eroticism, happiness, and pride when I am disrobed. I will have to monitor how these feelings progress.

It was my birthday this past weekend, and I have been inundated with thoughts, but I shall keep them for another entry.

Stay well, MBI

FOOD

I was able to have a pretty solid week food wise except for last night. I sifted through and destroyed 2 cakes. I ate the parts that I wanted to – but I dissected the rest and threw it all out. In conjunction to feeling really guilty, fat and fearful of the calories, I also felt extremely full. It was a punishment that I felt quite deserving because of what I did. Now, to figure out what led me to acting that way? I was feeling okay the whole day but there was a rising anger that I could not fully understand. I am not totally unsure of what caused the anger – it wasn’t one solitary incident – but rather a conflation of work, school, research and personal life. I think it all manifested itself in the frenzied eating. It is so very confusing because there is also some glimpses of solitary pleasure in the cake dissection. I enjoy eating the parts I do, but also I enjoy having the control in throwing the rest out. I hate the feelings afterward (as mentioned above) and the cost of it physically and financially.

GYM – There is some addiction that I am noticing with gaining muscle – the more I develop, the more I want to continue to work hard to maintain and enhance the look. There is an inner thrill that I obtain in viewing myself in the mirror and noticing that I am looking rather pumped after a workout. I hate admitting this out of fear of the feeling and image being taken away (remnants of magical thinking). It also distresses me because it further bonds me to the codes of masculinity that I have witnessed in other men and have not totally been liked.

I continue to undress – shirts and pants, although not at the same time. I am trying to become more comfortable with my body. How long will it take – I am about to turn another year older. Aging is yet another factor that leads me to working out at the gym with greater ferocity. I want to be able to do it before time ticks away and removes my strength. The work out also abates the anxiety of the aging process. A graceful acceptance is truly the key!!

Can anyone relate?

Stay well,
MBI

A NEW YEAR

Happy New Year!!! I was at the gym this very cold morning, and I wondered what in God’s name I was doing there? First, it was New Year day and there were very few people out or at the gym; second, it was freezing outside which made it quite an unpleasant 15 minute walk, and three, I have been battling a head and chest cold for the past couple of weeks. Yet, there I was in the middle of an empty fitness room trying to lift weights. I am working so hard for me, or a phantom boyfriend, or a critical social sphere? I don’t exactly know – but I can bet it is some combination of all three. I have been trying to examine what is driving me to go to the gym 6 to 7 days a week. I realize that given my heavy schedule with work and school that I am pushing it a bit, but I find it so very difficult to stop. I can see some results from my consistent work and I am so frightened to have it stop. I find it difficult to even write that I am going so often to the gym. There is a small part that believes admittance will cause the action to stop.

I took a bold step today in the locker room. I actually removed my pants and changed into a pair of jeans. Granted, this move was greatly motivated by the cold, but I did it nonetheless. It was okay – and I even took a moment to look at myself in the mirror to analyze what other may see. I did not mind the way my thighs, pelvis, and legs looked. I also took off my shirt – but that is something that I have been doing for quite a while – albeit with considerable anxiety. There was one guy present as I was taking my pants off, but I took a breath and did it anyway. It felt really good. I was empowered by the act and hope that I may continue to take such steps.

Holiday food madness is coming to an end – thankfully. I am so tired of having to sit around a dinner table for so many hours. Italians use holidays as an outlet to feast on foods (as many other cultures do) and I find it quite nice but very taxing as well.

Another year has past but the last has seen considerable progress. I am happy with the steps I have taken in some facets of my life, but the social part still needs further cultivation. I can only hope that continued strides are made.

I will write again soon (and sooner than other times).

Stay well, MBI

FACEBOOK AND BODY IMAGE

Sorry for not having written in over a week. I was so busy with school and work that time flew. I hope that this kind of delay does not happen with great frequency.

Are any of you familiar with Facebook? I am not a member but many of my friends are and they keep me informed of others that that have reconnected with through the “friend” option on Facebook. Last week, a friend emailed me some photos she found of a guy that I knew a few years back. I hadn’t seen him in a while and was shocked at the change in his body. He was completely toned and muscular. When I dated Mike (not his actual name) his body would be characterized as being fit and thin. Now however, he had a six pack, big biceps and shoulders, and a very defined chest. It was a drastic difference in such a short period of time. Needless to say, I was immediately entranced by the photos and tried to use them as a way of punishing myself for how terrible my own body looked in comparison to his. The photos showed Mike with other guys who also had similar bodies. It was the typical stereotype image of the “Chelsea” gay gym body. My emotional gauge registered feelings of anger, jealousy, attraction, and curiosity. I could not help but be mesmerized by the images of these very good looking people. I was also taken by the sense of empowerment that they exuded, or at least I projected them to have. The stances depicted in the photos spoke loudly of their attractiveness, muscularity and masculinity. They defied the gender misnomers that have always been associated with gay men. There was no question that these guys were “men” and not women. I was angry at myself for being attracted to them, and I tried very hard not to imprint the images in my memory, for I knew how much I would be using them to motivate my own gym workout.

I realized quickly that Mike and his cohort were steroid users and that was the reason they attained such physical feats in a very short period of time. I was angry that I work so hard at the gym and yet can’t boast to have a body like Mike’s. Sure, if I used some kind of body enhancement, I guess that I too could be muscular in a short period of time, but I am too afraid of all the other damage those things do to the body. My trainer and I had a long talk about those pictures – I even printed them out so that I could show him and reconfirm my speculations about their using steroids. My trainer agreed, and helped me understand how much I did improve and that further improvements would eventually happen with patience, hard work and time. All things I knew, but I needed to hear from a professional and friend.

In the past, I would have really beaten myself – literally and figuratively – with the feelings that the photos stirred. In addition to emotions stated above, they also seemed to marginalize me and place me once again on the defensive. I felt excluded from the approved circle of “gayhood.” Similar to the feelings experienced as a kid when I was ostracized by schoolmates, the photos awakened emotions connected to isolation and being “less than.” I am trying very hard not to have those feelings remain in me for very long. I tried to move on after seeing those pictures, but it still took a few days to get things in perspective.

Stay well,
MBI

FOOD

I am noticing how angry I become with people who are really gluttonous. The holiday season always ushers in increased opportunities to indulge in eating. I have always been afraid of this time of year – one reason being the amount of sweet foods that are served at many holiday parties. That fear has slowly disappeared from me since I don’t indulge as much as used to. I have tapered so many of my “indulgent” habits with regard to food, but there are some that have remained for ritualistic purposes. I still need to have some kind of cake in the house so that I may treat myself after a difficult week. Although I don’t consume all of the cake, I need to have some part of it to still feel in touch with the old habit and with my old identity. There is some sense of relief at being able to eat a portion of the cake and throw the rest out. It is as if I have control and yet can still eat what I desire. Sometimes, I don’t feel like that I really want it, rather, I am behaving on program – it is all habit. It seems that many people work off of habit – especially those that over-eat. Of course habits are aligned with many emotional triggers.

Over-eating, making noise while eating, and overly enjoying food – are factors that trigger anger in me. I can’t seem to tolerate it all that much; often I have to leave the room when anyone is reacting to food that way. I almost feel that the person is directly confronting me with something. My father has a tendency to rub his hands together when he is enjoying a piece of meat. He will put down his fork and knife and will chew while also rubbing his hands together – as if enraptured by the taste. At that moment, while witnessing his behavior, I become incensed with anger and could seriously fantasize about hurting him. I usually just leave the table so that I can get a breather. Since food strikes both fear and pleasure (some) in me, it is difficult to discern middle spectrum of emotions that tie with it. There are certain foods that are reminiscent of my childhood and thus create a good connection, but these are few and far in between. At a recent Thanksgiving dinner, I could not sit at the table for the whole duration of time. I think doing so is wasteful. In addition, I don’t want to see people continuously eating and not have a regard for how much food they are eating.

I am angry at my own inability to relax around food and to indulge freely and calmly. I am jealous of others who eat with steadfast tendencies and lack of concern. I am making a lot of progress when it comes to food. There are more areas where I can finally acknowledge the feelings related to food. Before, and for such a long time, I was not even aware of the feelings attached. I have stopped for quite a few weeks the chewing and spitting behavior, but I have also noticed that my gym activity has increased a bit. Is this because I am trying to compensate for the food intake? Or are there reasons related to the cute guy I am interested in? It may very well be a confluence of forces. I hope to untangle it – a bit at a time.

Stay well, MBI.

AT THE GYM, THE LOCKER ROOM, AND DATING

I am one to obsess over food, calorie counting and exercise – although, it is getting better – less invasive in my every day life. I have also been known to obsess over a particular guy – not in the “fatal attraction” way, but rather in a manner that keeps me always in competition with him. The guy who I am attracted to at the gym is very much on my mind. I don’t know his personality at all – and thus am mostly fixed on his looks. He has a small thin but muscular body that I really am attracted to. He is also not ashamed of his body and is so quick to get undressed and walk around naked in the locker room. I so admire this quality since I am so the opposite. Today, I had finished working out before he even started. In fact, I thought he was not going to show up. He did – unfortunately, it was right in the middle of my taking off my sweat soaked shirts. I was embarrassed that he saw my body – loose skin and stretch marks. He must have judged it as not as good as his, and of course this made me feel so completely “less than.” The feelings of shame and disappointment kept me company on my long walk home. When I arrived at the apartment, I undressed and looked at myself in the mirror. I wanted to see what the guy saw in the locker room. I was hoping that there would be some miracle and that my body would have reflected more of my hard work. When looking at myself in the mirror, I wasn’t that displeased with the way I looked. I am not sure where the “satisfaction” came from. I still realized that my body was a far cry from the one I admired at the gym, but it was also not that bad. I am even scared to note this particular sentiment down. I immediately covered up my nakedness with clothes – since there have been days when staring at my body in the mirror quickly escalated to a criticizing session. Yet, I maintained some of the contentment. It is very strange and certainly something I want to explore more.

I am working out more these days – it is obsessively? I think some may characterize it as so but I am careful not to over do it. I may go to the gym with greater frequency but I try to minimize what is being done. I am using the gym as a way to counter my loneliness and lack of relationship. I am engaging with my body in a physical way and more so emotionally – due to my consistent therapy. I just can’t seem to engage with other men in a relationally romantic way. I am scared and also so mistrustful. Years ago, I would turn to food in order to fill the relational void. Now (and for many years), I turn to exercise and work, but with the knowledge that the void exists. I don’t want to be alone, yet, that is all I have known for so long. I have been eating cakes – just the parts I like – in some attempt to trigger the “feel good” mechanisms of long ago. It doesn’t work. The sweet foods do very little in relieving me of my loneliness.

Can anyone relate? I would love to know.
Take care, MBI

DATING, LOCKER ROOM

I am a bit sad because I saw this film of two young guys – teenagers - who went out on their first date together. Their excitement, confusion, beauty, and youth placed me in a nostalgic mood of my own adolescence that was so very different. I noticed that my feelings were tinged with sadness, jealousy, happiness and loss. I am so very happy that some teens are able to acknowledge their homosexual feelings and engage in adolescent exploration with other same sex individuals. Yet, I can’t help but feeling bad that I never experienced that myself. As gay rights increases, I also fear a loss of identity. I have come to identify so much with the abuse, discrimination, and ignorance that I am almost at a loss without it. However – I am willing to give it a try. I guess there is also this acknowledgement of not having anything to stand behind of for a sense of protection or excuse. My gay identity has been a cause of pain but also a source of comfort and a place where I can quickly turn for some excuse because of a behavioral inaction. I know that it is a pivotal part in my eating and body image concerns. I can only wonder, speculate and give some calculation to what body image will be like for the new generation of gay men and women that will be all the more immersed in the culture.

See those two young guys – on a date – all the more reminded me of my own lack of dates. The feelings of loss some quite abrasive and unbearable at times, but I am not sure what exactly I am mourning. There is the loss in the past and certainly that of the present, but am I truly sad, or am I sad because I feel as if I should be because of my current dating (zero) status? It may be a combination of both. I am sad that time is passing and I feel as if I am at a stand still with this part of my life. The thought of another, especially in a sexual sense, really closes me down and makes me go into a place of self-judgment with regard to my body. I have not undressed so long in front of another guy that I am not sure how I would handle it if given the opportunity. This very morning, exemplified this dilemma for me. I was in the locker room having just worked out. I was about to undress when a cute guy, who I had seen plenty of times, came and sat next to my locker. He was dressed and waiting for a friend to finish up. His closeness totally made me self-conscious of my body; I couldn’t get the nerve to take off my shirts to put on a dry one. I had to stay in my wet clothing. I have been in similar circumstances other times, and found the courage to change. However, this time he was just too close and perhaps I found him too attractive. Who knows??? It isn’t always easy to understand.

I must try to go on a date soon – just so that I can get back into some kind of physical mode. It is almost three years since I have been with someone. I feel so degraded in admitting that fact, but yet it is true. I have been working a lot on me, but being with another can also assist in that process. I must try not to ignore it.

Can anyone relate? I would love to know.
Stay well, MBI

UPDATE, EXERCISE and RECOVERY

Well, my relatives are here and I am very happy to report that they did not mention my hair thus far. They actually said that I looked thin and shouldn’t lose any more weight, but they hadn’t seen me for over 11 years, therefore, I could understand the weight comment (when they had seen me last I was around 15 to 20 lbs heavier). I am so incredibly grateful that they made no mention of my hair, but I am always very concerned when conversation steers toward appearance and aging. I feel that it will eventually turn to me. I am trying very much to not go into any analytical stances when it comes to my appearance but it remains a difficult feat.

I have lost two days of exercise this week because of my exhaustion with work, school and personal life. Two years ago, the absences would have sent me into a downward emotional tailspin. I would have only been able to quay the feelings by severely limiting my food intake for those days or I would have forced myself to exercise more the next time. Today, while I cannot answer how I will behave when I re-enter the gym tomorrow, I am able to sit with the gym absences more comfortably. Yes, I still am a bit anxious, there is an internal feeling of being less special, the fear of being overweight is a bit more resonant – but I am handling it. There is anxiety in handling it too because I have identified with that other part so very long. To take steps in a more moderate direction causes some internal upheaval. I will have to continue to exercise patience – this is a new side of me.

Someone asked me the other day if I thought I was recovered from my eating problems. I quickly said, “no.” I don’t believe that I stated this so quickly because of any identity issues, but rather, I believe that I will never fully be recovered. Yes, I am in a better place than I have been in a long time but I still have my bouts of body image, chewing and spitting and excessive exercise. They don’t happen all at once as they used to, but situations still trigger these behavioral patterns to emerge. It is a work in progress.

stay well, MBI

UPDATES

Another week has come and gone, and tomorrow marks the day that my aunt and cousin are due in from Italy. I am excited and nervous in seeing them after quite a few years. I am still quite anxious about whether they will give me any negative comments about my hair. There is a part of me that is moving into the zone of uncaring, but there still exists the other part that remains hyper vigilant. I really trying hard to move beyond this issue and just be who I am, but the old scripts that remain embedded in my mental circuitry consistently beg for attention.

I go in and out of body image satisfaction. There are days (most recently) when I have been feeling more content with my body. I’ve felt less depressed about different aspects of it. However, if I spend any exaggerated amount of time in front of the mirror (for me: an exaggeration is over 2 minutes), I start to really pick and destroy. There is a fine line that I must always try to balance. Sometimes its difficult the boundaries of the line.

I am feeling better about changing in the locker room, or rather; I am getting faster at just changing and not being stuck in the feelings. I can’t get myself to just rest with my shirt off. I can’ even look at another person when I am in that place. I feel totally self-conscious and judged. Yet, there is still so much merit in going through the exercise of doing it. It feels good afterward, but too much like medicine as I am going through the process.

My intake of food is consistent but still under what a man of my size should be eating. I realize when I under eat and also am more cognizant of the processes my thoughts follow when I am hungry and do not take provide my body with nourishment.

There is nothing happening on the dating front. I am sad about it, yet there are days of indifference too! I just miss being touched and fear that it will be so difficult to be comfortable with someone – physically – after such a long period of not being with anyone. The fear of having to confront those experiences and feelings keep me from moving on this aspect of my life.

Be well and in touch,
MBI

HAIR, AFFIRMATIONS, GYM, and DATING

I am still quite pensive about my hair and the over all look of my face. My hair concerns have always been present (you should know that by now – see prior entries), but it is the impending visit from my relatives that is making me more self-conscious. I do not want them to severely criticize my looks because of my hair loss. I am afraid that they will verbalize all that I am feeling (ugly, pathetic etc.). Their confirmation will be so painful to me. I am trying to use positive affirmations to counter-act all this angst but it is so difficult. The negative thoughts on appearance are integrated with a habitually set mode of negative operation. My affirmations need to work over-time to really make a difference. Yet, I will try.

My gym activity continues to be consistent. I am afraid with the coming winter that I will not want to go as often since it will be very cold and dark most mornings when I scheduled to attend. I will have to try and take care of myself by not going on those days but I know the guilt will be great.

I am working hard in cardio and in weightlifting. I have lessened the cardio a bit so that I can focus more energy on the weights. I feel that my body is improving, though it still is quite difficult for me to look at myself in the mirror. I have gone back to changing clothes in the locker room, but I am in a state of panic each time a guy passes by. I feel that every eye is on each ugly part, being judgmental and assessing superiority to me.

No dates on the horizon, and not that much of a care. That is the most troublesome part. I wish that I could care as much as I did in the past. There is a strong feeling of indifference.
Have a good Halloween. MBI

A DREAM, PICTURES, HAIR AND BODY IMAGE

In a dream I had two nights ago, I recall having a different face and being quite shocked with the features. There weren’t bad in any way, but just so different to my present facial construction. I was also taken with the fact that I had a great deal of hair on my head. The feelings I remember were anxiety, curiosity and fear. There was an understanding within the dream that my new identity had an underlying logic, yet I was trying desperately to recall the features that my “old” face had.

This dream definitely hits upon the well of emotions I have with body image. As I discussed in the last entry, the fear and anxiety stirred when the pictures were taken at the wedding I attended, was yet another reminder at just how deep these feelings are for me. This week, I was given a set of the pictures and I was afraid to look at them for a few days. I did not want to feel bad about myself, especially after the work I am doing with positive reflection and meditations. I eventually found the courage to take a peek, and I was disappointed at how bare my head looks. My lack of hair ruins the symmetry and framing of my face. I seem to look like a totally different person than the one I envision. The dream lives on – hence the new looking face.

I know – in the scope of the world’s problems, especially these days – this shouldn’t be a major issue. Yet, I am unable to make the pain subside. The thoughts of my hair and all that it relates to – aging, attraction, body image, relationships, and bullying – are consistently beating on my mind. I get momentary breaks during meditation, studying and when totally engrossed at work, but even with these activities the thoughts creep up intermittently.

I always wonder if the hair factor has a lot to do with my inability to get a date. Not so much from the perspective of people finding me ugly – although that thought is definitely a component in the formulation. But rather in the fact that my feeling unattractive dissuades sends out negative energy which in turn dissuades people from approaching me. It has been so long since I have dated anyone seriously that I feel as if it is never going to happen again. That is when the age factor turns up all over again. STOP AND THINK POSITIVELY!!!!

BODY IMAGE, PICTURES AND LONELINESS

I spent Friday evening at a wedding and though some of my thoughts were engaged with other people and on the bride and groom, I did catch myself also stuck in moments of daunting sadness. I was reminded many times over of my loneliness and I was also taken in by thoughts of poor body image. The theme of love and couplehood are bound to bring up some emotions but what compounded these feelings was the incessant string of couples surrounding me. They all the more reminded me of that which I lack – a significant other. I realize that relationships are not made up of only cherubs and roses but I am reminded of my emptiness when that which contributes to it is staring me in the face - in great positive quantity. There is something that tells me that I am not ready for a relationship but yet I still yearn for companionship and love. I don’t think it would be fair to involve myself with anyone under my present thoughts, but that does not keep me shielded from the vulnerable feelings that loneliness ushers in.

With regard to body image - there remains a thick veneer on my thoughts ofself. Although I do feel as if strides are being made in various areas of my life, I continue to dance with body image. There are steps taken back and forth but never decidedly and permanently forward. There were so many pictures taken Friday night, and with each snapshot I was consumed with thoughts about how I looked and especially how I my face would appear with less hair on my head. The wedding clearly demonstrated to me how important pictures are in capturing moments. I have avoided capturing moments for the last 7 years of my life – since my hair started thinning. I used to love pictures and taking them, but now I completely freeze. I can’t stand my image being captured in a manner that does not leave me content. The images are but reminders of what was and what will never be again. I know – it sounds utterly dramatic. Well, when it comes to body image, it is about drama. But isn’t an acted one. It is truly felt at my very core.

Stay well, MBI

THE VISIT

Although I am trying to heavily embrace positive thoughts so that my mind will be less apt to go toward the negative – especially with regard to body image, I am anxious about one main even that is approaching in November. One of my aunts from Italy is coming for a visit. I haven’t seen her in over ten years – even though I have traveled to Italy in these ten years I have steered clear of my hometown. I did not want to see anyone that would comment on my hair and the difference that lay between now and the last time they had seen me quite a few years ago. I was afraid to receive a look that would precede the words that would inevitably follow – “look at how much hair you’ve lost.” My Italian relatives are not known for their diplomatic statements. When I was overweight, they told me right away at to the face that I looked to fat. I was stunned at their abrasive candor and swore that I would never be at the receiving end again. The next trip I made to the town – I made sure that I was thinner and looked my best. They left me alone.

I am afraid that my aunt will not be very accepting of me. Not that she is a nasty woman, quite to the contrary. But, my mother’s family pays a lot of attention to looks and the resemblance we have for each other in the family. If you don’t look like their side of the family, you are often cast aside as being “less than.” I am trying very hard to be happy with who I am and with repeating as many positive statement so that I will be inoculated (somewhat) from any statements she may make. I am speaking about this anxiety with my therapist and we are trying to come up with strategies to cope with any remark that I may hear.

Other than this – things are the same. I am continuing to exercise 6 days a week. I also am continuing with the consumption/destruction of two cakes a week. I am not spitting out any of it; whatever food gets placed in my mouth, I make a conscious effort to swallow. It makes me feel less guilty.

As the cold weather starts to role our way again, I have to reenter the locker room again to change my clothes. This process had become tolerable enough before the summer months. Now, I have to re-train myself in feeling the same tolerance all over again. It is a constant lesson. – I will write more about this the next time.

Sorry for not writing sooner, but school and work are really keeping me busy.

Stay well, MBI