I feel so guilty at the moment . . ., well, perhaps not guilty but just anxious. I haven’t gone to the gym today because I felt so tired. I was so tired yesterday and I went but felt annoyed throughout the workout. I was fatigued and wanted to get out of there. The increased humidity and heat (from the weather) have really been getting to me as of late. I have been sweating incredibly and have just felt knocked out. Since I have the day off from work, I wanted to really treat myself by not going to the gym and finally just staying in bed past 8 am. Now I am feeling a bit upset for not fighting my ‘tiredness”. However, at the same time, I realize that my body does need a rest and this day will prove to be beneficial – physically.

I have started to eat more proteins in hope of increasing my muscle tone. I also have increased the amount of weight training. I am still not ingesting as much protein as I should, but my eating issues interfere. I am trying my best to work past this – even if temporary.

My body issues and my inability to fully embrace love and affection have kept me from forming meaningful relationships with gay men. I don’t even turn to them for sex – there is no one I turn to for it. I am feeling my aloneness today and yearn for companionship that is meaningful and loving, beyond that shared with good friends. I am 38 and feel as if so many years have been lost, consumed in this tired emotional state of panic and disease of mind. Will I ever just let go? So many wrong turns have been taken in the past, and while I try to forgive and express compassion for the self, there is a pull to also exact some kind of revenge. But there is no need, punishment has been given all to much already.

I am trying to take the advice of several friends to eat more food, most especially protein. I have lost some weight in the last few weeks, and while the weight loss is not great – it certainly will not help in my quest wish to be and appear more muscular. My cousin’s boyfriend will be directing my weight training tomorrow and dieting plan. He is quite knowledgeable about body building (amateur level) and I want to at least get his perspective.

Things are going okay. I am busy with research and work but find it pleasing. I am trying to stay in the dating game by being active on the dating websites (match, yahoo personals etc.). I am not finding anyone truly interesting or interested in me, but it is better than remaining socially isolated.

I had the opportunity to attend a friend’s pool party this weekend, but there were all women, and I just don’t want to put up with them again. I love them, but I rather be alone than have to be reminded that most of my friends consist of women and not some men. Of course, I feel blessed to have friends, but it becomes lonely being the only man in the bunch.

I am trying to get more comfortable with my body by walking around the apartment in as little clothes as possible. It does help . . . until I catch a reflection of myself – then I become more critical. I need to let go of negative images of myself and appreciate the body that I presently have. There are times when I am okay with it – and somewhat comfortable, but it passes so quickly to another haphazard emotional moment.

speak to you soon, MBI

Hair hair and more hair - I am thinking so much about it. I notice how self conscious I am about my facial appearance because of my hair issue. Of course this has been a theme but there are many peaks and troughs. I am currently in a trough moment. The hair issue becomes magnified with my meeting new people and those that I have not seen for long periods of time. I am so tired of being so self aware about my appearance. I feel unattractive and old. These feelings will get better but how long will the good feeling last? I may never feel totally comfortable.

I went to chelsea piers to take in some sun and nice scenery. Of course there were a ton of gay men without shirts on. They intimidate me so much and send me into a whirlwind of self doubt at my own attractiveness. I yearn to have more muscles and a better body. Yet - I know deep down that the answers dont lie there.

So, I was talking to a group of gay males tonight and that conversation all the more made me realize how much my body issues are making me miss out on exploring my sexuality. I believe my body image really creates walls that keeps me apart from others. It must give out this vibe that I am unapproachable. Will the day come when I am okay enough with my body to actually embrace my sexuality or will it be too late? As the year continue to march forward I get so scared of truly observing how much I miss out. Granted there are aspects of my life that are going well but there is plenty that continues to warrant attention.

Sex should not be all encompassing however, i have not had any sexual relations in over three years. That is not normal - and it is directly related to my body image. I am ashamed to admit that and feeling overwhelmingly judged, but it is the truth and I can't deny it.

MBI

Here Again

I have been out of touch so long – but you have not been out of my thoughts. I am glad to finally return. I have been so very busy with work and classes. Things are progressing nicely but I do wish that the days were a bit longer.

How am I doing? Okay – still my eating issues persist – but I try to do what I can to not make it totally control my life. I have not been chewing and spitting as much as I did earlier in the year. I am not certain if that is a good indication or if that mode of caloric control is rearing its head in another area. It may very well be demonstrated in the fact that I am exercising a bit more these days. I am going to the gym 6 to 7 days a week. It started out gradually enough – I was going to the gym for 4 to 5 days a week for some years. However, I started to attend more often due to my inability to cope with a lot of anger that was accumulating due to my horrific work and class schedules. To combat the anger and anxiety I turned to the gym more often.

My body is more muscular than in February but I still feel that I should be even more muscular for all the work I do. You can clearly note that muscularity and body image are still on my mind. Not so heavily but inevitably present just the same. I have stopped seeing my trainer. I was getting sick of the same workout and wanted something different but he couldn’t deliver. Also, I could not stand being told what to do by yet another person in my life. I was getting too much from professors and bosses. Something had to give. This was the time when I was extremely unhappy and angry and therefore I had to strike out. I was also giving it to my therapist – and I took a break from him too. I returned three weeks later – still angry but with a different perspective.

My body is shaping up (although my hair still poses its threats). Friends have told me that I am working out too much and should be more muscular than I am. They suggest that I try a different work and that I start taking protein drinks. I am hesitant – not about the workout change – although that has some anxiety, but most because of the protein drinks. I don’t want to harm my body with giving it excessive protein. I need to investigate a bit further before I do anything.

MBI

FINALLY

I have not written in such a long time. I’ve been busy with classes and work. There is much to say but I am afraid that time is going to cut this communication short. I have been doing okay with the food stuff except that there are times when I forget to eat because of my crazy schedule. I have committed to eating more but that of course brings up feelings of guilt and worry about my weight. While the gym continues to play a part in my life, I do notice how conscious I have become of my food intake. I believe this is directly related to my schedule again. As there is a loss of control due to assignments and deadlines, I try to gain some bearing by controlling the eating. I am eating enough to go through the day, but sometimes it pains me to realize how little I do eat. There are days when lunch consists of a tiny salad and a piece of raisin bread. That is so very little for a grown man to eat. Granted I do have fruit an hour later, but still quite little. I grow angrier at this restriction or rather this habit of eating little. When I corporate a fair amount of snacks, I worry about weight, but regardless of the worry, I still eat it. Energy maintenance is essential to my getting through the day and weeks ahead. Therefore, even though worries of body image and weight still persist, I insist on progressing in a healthier way.

Every Friday I buy a couple of Entenmann’s cakes (more specifically – Cheese Buns). They are delicious and I love them. However, there is a ritual associated with this too. I do not eat the entire cake, in fact I only eat the cheese center of each bun. Great delight is taken in cutting the circular center out of each bun, removing all of the sugary glazing and then eating the sweet cheese. Again, I believe this action assists me in maintaining control and also in enjoying a contained amount of sweets. It does not provide the pleasure that cakes gave in the past, but there is enough reminiscence to gain some comfort.

Still nothing on the dating realm. I am at a loss and feel it strongly. I cant help but wonder if I will ever be with someone again? Time will tell.

UPDATES

Terribly busy with school and work and finding very little time to engage I other activities. I have to remain really focused on eating well and exercising moderately. If I restrict or exercise too much (or a conjunction of the two) then I may weaken my ability to do all that I have to act on.

I am eating well enough – vegetables, fish, dairy, some meats – but I do know that it isn’t anywhere near enough for all the activity that I engage in. I am always scampering to calculate the calories or the grams of fat, and that practice inhibits what I am able to comfortably eat. Of course, there are times when I am so disgusted with the processing and calculations that I just eat. But, that also leads to some forceful acts – where I just endeavor to fill my stomach – still with good food, but the act is done with violence rather than love – or with a real sense of nourishing the body.

Exercise is my staple – it really helps me deal with the anxiety and stress. I dislike going so early in the morning – because of the lack of daylight and cold, but I feel much better after a workout.

Dating is still a foreign thing to me. I have very little desire to put myself out there. I was going to meet someone this weekend, but made an excuse and cancelled. I am able to meet up with friends but I don’t want to invest time and energy into someone that really holds little interest.

My birthday was spent with family and friends – it went well even though there are so many feelings that are present about aging – body, love, professional pursuits etc.

Hope to write again soon.

MBI

Updates

Since I am very busy with my professional stuff, I am being ever so vigilant about my eating and exercise regiment. I have to be careful not to overdo the exercise, and I must take steps to continue eating enough. It amazes me how quickly I have the power to turn toward old habits of restriction and over exercising in order to gain control. I know well enough that such behaviors foster a false sense of control.

The gym is full of the New Year’s resolution folks. It is great to see so many people but it also annoys me because I have to endure the crowds. I am finding it difficult to get up in the morning to go to the gym because of the low temperatures and the darkness. My motivations for a toned and muscular body can only count so much these days. I do give myself a break but I also find that going helps me fight of seasonal affective depression. The endorphins give me a greater sense of hope and ability to cope during the winter months.

I continue to take off my pants in the locker room. I am always a bit anxious right before they come down – a slightly lower anxiety than the one I feel right before I take off my shirt (and stay bare chested). I have even delayed putting any clothes on so that I may test out my feelings and the state of my body in its semi-nakedness. There are feelings of excitement, eroticism, happiness, and pride when I am disrobed. I will have to monitor how these feelings progress.

It was my birthday this past weekend, and I have been inundated with thoughts, but I shall keep them for another entry.

Stay well, MBI

FOOD

I was able to have a pretty solid week food wise except for last night. I sifted through and destroyed 2 cakes. I ate the parts that I wanted to – but I dissected the rest and threw it all out. In conjunction to feeling really guilty, fat and fearful of the calories, I also felt extremely full. It was a punishment that I felt quite deserving because of what I did. Now, to figure out what led me to acting that way? I was feeling okay the whole day but there was a rising anger that I could not fully understand. I am not totally unsure of what caused the anger – it wasn’t one solitary incident – but rather a conflation of work, school, research and personal life. I think it all manifested itself in the frenzied eating. It is so very confusing because there is also some glimpses of solitary pleasure in the cake dissection. I enjoy eating the parts I do, but also I enjoy having the control in throwing the rest out. I hate the feelings afterward (as mentioned above) and the cost of it physically and financially.

GYM – There is some addiction that I am noticing with gaining muscle – the more I develop, the more I want to continue to work hard to maintain and enhance the look. There is an inner thrill that I obtain in viewing myself in the mirror and noticing that I am looking rather pumped after a workout. I hate admitting this out of fear of the feeling and image being taken away (remnants of magical thinking). It also distresses me because it further bonds me to the codes of masculinity that I have witnessed in other men and have not totally been liked.

I continue to undress – shirts and pants, although not at the same time. I am trying to become more comfortable with my body. How long will it take – I am about to turn another year older. Aging is yet another factor that leads me to working out at the gym with greater ferocity. I want to be able to do it before time ticks away and removes my strength. The work out also abates the anxiety of the aging process. A graceful acceptance is truly the key!!

Can anyone relate?

Stay well,
MBI

A NEW YEAR

Happy New Year!!! I was at the gym this very cold morning, and I wondered what in God’s name I was doing there? First, it was New Year day and there were very few people out or at the gym; second, it was freezing outside which made it quite an unpleasant 15 minute walk, and three, I have been battling a head and chest cold for the past couple of weeks. Yet, there I was in the middle of an empty fitness room trying to lift weights. I am working so hard for me, or a phantom boyfriend, or a critical social sphere? I don’t exactly know – but I can bet it is some combination of all three. I have been trying to examine what is driving me to go to the gym 6 to 7 days a week. I realize that given my heavy schedule with work and school that I am pushing it a bit, but I find it so very difficult to stop. I can see some results from my consistent work and I am so frightened to have it stop. I find it difficult to even write that I am going so often to the gym. There is a small part that believes admittance will cause the action to stop.

I took a bold step today in the locker room. I actually removed my pants and changed into a pair of jeans. Granted, this move was greatly motivated by the cold, but I did it nonetheless. It was okay – and I even took a moment to look at myself in the mirror to analyze what other may see. I did not mind the way my thighs, pelvis, and legs looked. I also took off my shirt – but that is something that I have been doing for quite a while – albeit with considerable anxiety. There was one guy present as I was taking my pants off, but I took a breath and did it anyway. It felt really good. I was empowered by the act and hope that I may continue to take such steps.

Holiday food madness is coming to an end – thankfully. I am so tired of having to sit around a dinner table for so many hours. Italians use holidays as an outlet to feast on foods (as many other cultures do) and I find it quite nice but very taxing as well.

Another year has past but the last has seen considerable progress. I am happy with the steps I have taken in some facets of my life, but the social part still needs further cultivation. I can only hope that continued strides are made.

I will write again soon (and sooner than other times).

Stay well, MBI

FACEBOOK AND BODY IMAGE

Sorry for not having written in over a week. I was so busy with school and work that time flew. I hope that this kind of delay does not happen with great frequency.

Are any of you familiar with Facebook? I am not a member but many of my friends are and they keep me informed of others that that have reconnected with through the “friend” option on Facebook. Last week, a friend emailed me some photos she found of a guy that I knew a few years back. I hadn’t seen him in a while and was shocked at the change in his body. He was completely toned and muscular. When I dated Mike (not his actual name) his body would be characterized as being fit and thin. Now however, he had a six pack, big biceps and shoulders, and a very defined chest. It was a drastic difference in such a short period of time. Needless to say, I was immediately entranced by the photos and tried to use them as a way of punishing myself for how terrible my own body looked in comparison to his. The photos showed Mike with other guys who also had similar bodies. It was the typical stereotype image of the “Chelsea” gay gym body. My emotional gauge registered feelings of anger, jealousy, attraction, and curiosity. I could not help but be mesmerized by the images of these very good looking people. I was also taken by the sense of empowerment that they exuded, or at least I projected them to have. The stances depicted in the photos spoke loudly of their attractiveness, muscularity and masculinity. They defied the gender misnomers that have always been associated with gay men. There was no question that these guys were “men” and not women. I was angry at myself for being attracted to them, and I tried very hard not to imprint the images in my memory, for I knew how much I would be using them to motivate my own gym workout.

I realized quickly that Mike and his cohort were steroid users and that was the reason they attained such physical feats in a very short period of time. I was angry that I work so hard at the gym and yet can’t boast to have a body like Mike’s. Sure, if I used some kind of body enhancement, I guess that I too could be muscular in a short period of time, but I am too afraid of all the other damage those things do to the body. My trainer and I had a long talk about those pictures – I even printed them out so that I could show him and reconfirm my speculations about their using steroids. My trainer agreed, and helped me understand how much I did improve and that further improvements would eventually happen with patience, hard work and time. All things I knew, but I needed to hear from a professional and friend.

In the past, I would have really beaten myself – literally and figuratively – with the feelings that the photos stirred. In addition to emotions stated above, they also seemed to marginalize me and place me once again on the defensive. I felt excluded from the approved circle of “gayhood.” Similar to the feelings experienced as a kid when I was ostracized by schoolmates, the photos awakened emotions connected to isolation and being “less than.” I am trying very hard not to have those feelings remain in me for very long. I tried to move on after seeing those pictures, but it still took a few days to get things in perspective.

Stay well,
MBI

FOOD

I am noticing how angry I become with people who are really gluttonous. The holiday season always ushers in increased opportunities to indulge in eating. I have always been afraid of this time of year – one reason being the amount of sweet foods that are served at many holiday parties. That fear has slowly disappeared from me since I don’t indulge as much as used to. I have tapered so many of my “indulgent” habits with regard to food, but there are some that have remained for ritualistic purposes. I still need to have some kind of cake in the house so that I may treat myself after a difficult week. Although I don’t consume all of the cake, I need to have some part of it to still feel in touch with the old habit and with my old identity. There is some sense of relief at being able to eat a portion of the cake and throw the rest out. It is as if I have control and yet can still eat what I desire. Sometimes, I don’t feel like that I really want it, rather, I am behaving on program – it is all habit. It seems that many people work off of habit – especially those that over-eat. Of course habits are aligned with many emotional triggers.

Over-eating, making noise while eating, and overly enjoying food – are factors that trigger anger in me. I can’t seem to tolerate it all that much; often I have to leave the room when anyone is reacting to food that way. I almost feel that the person is directly confronting me with something. My father has a tendency to rub his hands together when he is enjoying a piece of meat. He will put down his fork and knife and will chew while also rubbing his hands together – as if enraptured by the taste. At that moment, while witnessing his behavior, I become incensed with anger and could seriously fantasize about hurting him. I usually just leave the table so that I can get a breather. Since food strikes both fear and pleasure (some) in me, it is difficult to discern middle spectrum of emotions that tie with it. There are certain foods that are reminiscent of my childhood and thus create a good connection, but these are few and far in between. At a recent Thanksgiving dinner, I could not sit at the table for the whole duration of time. I think doing so is wasteful. In addition, I don’t want to see people continuously eating and not have a regard for how much food they are eating.

I am angry at my own inability to relax around food and to indulge freely and calmly. I am jealous of others who eat with steadfast tendencies and lack of concern. I am making a lot of progress when it comes to food. There are more areas where I can finally acknowledge the feelings related to food. Before, and for such a long time, I was not even aware of the feelings attached. I have stopped for quite a few weeks the chewing and spitting behavior, but I have also noticed that my gym activity has increased a bit. Is this because I am trying to compensate for the food intake? Or are there reasons related to the cute guy I am interested in? It may very well be a confluence of forces. I hope to untangle it – a bit at a time.

Stay well, MBI.

AT THE GYM, THE LOCKER ROOM, AND DATING

I am one to obsess over food, calorie counting and exercise – although, it is getting better – less invasive in my every day life. I have also been known to obsess over a particular guy – not in the “fatal attraction” way, but rather in a manner that keeps me always in competition with him. The guy who I am attracted to at the gym is very much on my mind. I don’t know his personality at all – and thus am mostly fixed on his looks. He has a small thin but muscular body that I really am attracted to. He is also not ashamed of his body and is so quick to get undressed and walk around naked in the locker room. I so admire this quality since I am so the opposite. Today, I had finished working out before he even started. In fact, I thought he was not going to show up. He did – unfortunately, it was right in the middle of my taking off my sweat soaked shirts. I was embarrassed that he saw my body – loose skin and stretch marks. He must have judged it as not as good as his, and of course this made me feel so completely “less than.” The feelings of shame and disappointment kept me company on my long walk home. When I arrived at the apartment, I undressed and looked at myself in the mirror. I wanted to see what the guy saw in the locker room. I was hoping that there would be some miracle and that my body would have reflected more of my hard work. When looking at myself in the mirror, I wasn’t that displeased with the way I looked. I am not sure where the “satisfaction” came from. I still realized that my body was a far cry from the one I admired at the gym, but it was also not that bad. I am even scared to note this particular sentiment down. I immediately covered up my nakedness with clothes – since there have been days when staring at my body in the mirror quickly escalated to a criticizing session. Yet, I maintained some of the contentment. It is very strange and certainly something I want to explore more.

I am working out more these days – it is obsessively? I think some may characterize it as so but I am careful not to over do it. I may go to the gym with greater frequency but I try to minimize what is being done. I am using the gym as a way to counter my loneliness and lack of relationship. I am engaging with my body in a physical way and more so emotionally – due to my consistent therapy. I just can’t seem to engage with other men in a relationally romantic way. I am scared and also so mistrustful. Years ago, I would turn to food in order to fill the relational void. Now (and for many years), I turn to exercise and work, but with the knowledge that the void exists. I don’t want to be alone, yet, that is all I have known for so long. I have been eating cakes – just the parts I like – in some attempt to trigger the “feel good” mechanisms of long ago. It doesn’t work. The sweet foods do very little in relieving me of my loneliness.

Can anyone relate? I would love to know.
Take care, MBI

DATING, LOCKER ROOM

I am a bit sad because I saw this film of two young guys – teenagers - who went out on their first date together. Their excitement, confusion, beauty, and youth placed me in a nostalgic mood of my own adolescence that was so very different. I noticed that my feelings were tinged with sadness, jealousy, happiness and loss. I am so very happy that some teens are able to acknowledge their homosexual feelings and engage in adolescent exploration with other same sex individuals. Yet, I can’t help but feeling bad that I never experienced that myself. As gay rights increases, I also fear a loss of identity. I have come to identify so much with the abuse, discrimination, and ignorance that I am almost at a loss without it. However – I am willing to give it a try. I guess there is also this acknowledgement of not having anything to stand behind of for a sense of protection or excuse. My gay identity has been a cause of pain but also a source of comfort and a place where I can quickly turn for some excuse because of a behavioral inaction. I know that it is a pivotal part in my eating and body image concerns. I can only wonder, speculate and give some calculation to what body image will be like for the new generation of gay men and women that will be all the more immersed in the culture.

See those two young guys – on a date – all the more reminded me of my own lack of dates. The feelings of loss some quite abrasive and unbearable at times, but I am not sure what exactly I am mourning. There is the loss in the past and certainly that of the present, but am I truly sad, or am I sad because I feel as if I should be because of my current dating (zero) status? It may be a combination of both. I am sad that time is passing and I feel as if I am at a stand still with this part of my life. The thought of another, especially in a sexual sense, really closes me down and makes me go into a place of self-judgment with regard to my body. I have not undressed so long in front of another guy that I am not sure how I would handle it if given the opportunity. This very morning, exemplified this dilemma for me. I was in the locker room having just worked out. I was about to undress when a cute guy, who I had seen plenty of times, came and sat next to my locker. He was dressed and waiting for a friend to finish up. His closeness totally made me self-conscious of my body; I couldn’t get the nerve to take off my shirts to put on a dry one. I had to stay in my wet clothing. I have been in similar circumstances other times, and found the courage to change. However, this time he was just too close and perhaps I found him too attractive. Who knows??? It isn’t always easy to understand.

I must try to go on a date soon – just so that I can get back into some kind of physical mode. It is almost three years since I have been with someone. I feel so degraded in admitting that fact, but yet it is true. I have been working a lot on me, but being with another can also assist in that process. I must try not to ignore it.

Can anyone relate? I would love to know.
Stay well, MBI