I was able to have a pretty solid week food wise except for last night. I sifted through and destroyed 2 cakes. I ate the parts that I wanted to – but I dissected the rest and threw it all out. In conjunction to feeling really guilty, fat and fearful of the calories, I also felt extremely full. It was a punishment that I felt quite deserving because of what I did. Now, to figure out what led me to acting that way? I was feeling okay the whole day but there was a rising anger that I could not fully understand. I am not totally unsure of what caused the anger – it wasn’t one solitary incident – but rather a conflation of work, school, research and personal life. I think it all manifested itself in the frenzied eating. It is so very confusing because there is also some glimpses of solitary pleasure in the cake dissection. I enjoy eating the parts I do, but also I enjoy having the control in throwing the rest out. I hate the feelings afterward (as mentioned above) and the cost of it physically and financially.
GYM – There is some addiction that I am noticing with gaining muscle – the more I develop, the more I want to continue to work hard to maintain and enhance the look. There is an inner thrill that I obtain in viewing myself in the mirror and noticing that I am looking rather pumped after a workout. I hate admitting this out of fear of the feeling and image being taken away (remnants of magical thinking). It also distresses me because it further bonds me to the codes of masculinity that I have witnessed in other men and have not totally been liked.
I continue to undress – shirts and pants, although not at the same time. I am trying to become more comfortable with my body. How long will it take – I am about to turn another year older. Aging is yet another factor that leads me to working out at the gym with greater ferocity. I want to be able to do it before time ticks away and removes my strength. The work out also abates the anxiety of the aging process. A graceful acceptance is truly the key!!
Can anyone relate?
Stay well,
MBI
About Me
- MBI
- I am a thirty something year old gay man and know the body image topic quite well. Not only am I developing an expertise in it because of my academic and professional endeavors, but I have struggled in various points of my life with weight gain, weight loss, muscle size, hair loss, anorexia, exercise bulimia, chewing and spitting, and general attractiveness.
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