DATING, LOCKER ROOM

I am a bit sad because I saw this film of two young guys – teenagers - who went out on their first date together. Their excitement, confusion, beauty, and youth placed me in a nostalgic mood of my own adolescence that was so very different. I noticed that my feelings were tinged with sadness, jealousy, happiness and loss. I am so very happy that some teens are able to acknowledge their homosexual feelings and engage in adolescent exploration with other same sex individuals. Yet, I can’t help but feeling bad that I never experienced that myself. As gay rights increases, I also fear a loss of identity. I have come to identify so much with the abuse, discrimination, and ignorance that I am almost at a loss without it. However – I am willing to give it a try. I guess there is also this acknowledgement of not having anything to stand behind of for a sense of protection or excuse. My gay identity has been a cause of pain but also a source of comfort and a place where I can quickly turn for some excuse because of a behavioral inaction. I know that it is a pivotal part in my eating and body image concerns. I can only wonder, speculate and give some calculation to what body image will be like for the new generation of gay men and women that will be all the more immersed in the culture.

See those two young guys – on a date – all the more reminded me of my own lack of dates. The feelings of loss some quite abrasive and unbearable at times, but I am not sure what exactly I am mourning. There is the loss in the past and certainly that of the present, but am I truly sad, or am I sad because I feel as if I should be because of my current dating (zero) status? It may be a combination of both. I am sad that time is passing and I feel as if I am at a stand still with this part of my life. The thought of another, especially in a sexual sense, really closes me down and makes me go into a place of self-judgment with regard to my body. I have not undressed so long in front of another guy that I am not sure how I would handle it if given the opportunity. This very morning, exemplified this dilemma for me. I was in the locker room having just worked out. I was about to undress when a cute guy, who I had seen plenty of times, came and sat next to my locker. He was dressed and waiting for a friend to finish up. His closeness totally made me self-conscious of my body; I couldn’t get the nerve to take off my shirts to put on a dry one. I had to stay in my wet clothing. I have been in similar circumstances other times, and found the courage to change. However, this time he was just too close and perhaps I found him too attractive. Who knows??? It isn’t always easy to understand.

I must try to go on a date soon – just so that I can get back into some kind of physical mode. It is almost three years since I have been with someone. I feel so degraded in admitting that fact, but yet it is true. I have been working a lot on me, but being with another can also assist in that process. I must try not to ignore it.

Can anyone relate? I would love to know.
Stay well, MBI