I’ve been checking out on-line dating websites for quite a long time. I’ve found average success (defined as two or more dates with the same man) but unfortunately none of the dates led to a long-term relationship. I often think that my issues with body image and food keep me from forming really substantive relationships. The two issues are not so overt (at least I don’t believe they are) that dates are scared away but rather the issues seem to hinder my meeting the right guy. As I briefly described in past logs, my reflections and actions on food and body image state a great deal about my intra and inter-personal relationships. They are smaller composites of my relation to the external world as defined by family and general society.
The men I have attracted in the past have followed some basic patterns.
One - the man at first appears to be available only to find out after a few successful dates that he is not over a past lover. I’ve experienced this type of rejection several times and it has severely affected my ability to trust men. I’ve noticed that I evaluate and view my body with a similar distrust. I do not see my body form as consistent and steady. Rather, it is constantly in flux and appears as if it is constantly changing between “softness” and muscularity. I can’t seem to depend on it at all – rather similar to the men I’ve dated in the past.
Two - In a more audacious behavioral pattern, I tend to choose men who are quite thin. While I am attracted to thin (not so strange given my eating issues), the very fact that I choose thin lovers makes me feel all the more like a large overgrown whale. I become even more self-conscious about my appearance, which consequently causes too much tension and anxiety around the other person.
Three – I choose guys that are playful but the playfulness soon becomes an unpleasant revisit with past abusers. Flirtatious teasing can be pleasant but it seems that the guys I choose often take the light banter up a notch and start poking real fun at me. My own experience with being bullied as a child and teen makes it an all too familiar scenario. As an adult, I can tolerate it, but only for a short time (thankfully.) Then when I notice that it will not relent and the relationship is being defined by it, I quickly put a stop to the whole thing. This relational scheme is seen in the way that I use exercise. It taunts me with promises of being bigger and better. Also, my poor body image may be characterized as a long lamenting taunt. Each – exercise and body image, keeps me within the familiar frame set in childhood.
Can anyone relate?
More on internet dating soon.
Stay well, MBI
No comments:
Post a Comment