MIRROR III - Hair

Besides muscularity and body tone, there are two other very important features that play into the self-criticism that I endure when looking in the mirror and when comparing myself to other men – my hair and stretch marks.

Hair – During my adolescence and early twenties, my hair was considered one of my best features. It was beautifully wavy and thick. I could literally have it styled in any manner and it would compliment my face. Hair stylists would compliment me and I was often asked if photos could be taken of the cut they gave me so to be included within their styling portfolios. I was devastated when in my mid-to late twenties I started noticing some thinning on the top. My devastation tweaked with some denial eventually led me to consult with several doctors who prescribed ointments and pills at very exaggerated costs. As the years progressed my hair thinned further, but I have yet to be fully bald. Perhaps the Propecia and minoxidil combination have been somewhat successful in staving off total hair loss, but it isn’t a consolation that I am consistently happy to own.

The hair loss has had a tremendous effect on my esteem and total body image. While I have always had issues with my body shape, musculature, and weight, I was somewhat comfortable with my facial image. Others always told me that my face was handsome, and when looking in the mirror, I believed it at a deeper level though I would never admit to it. The hair loss has lessened the esteem I once held for my facial image. I no longer feel that I am as handsome and certainly can’t tolerate looking at my image in the mirror. I feel depreciated in value. Yes, I actually analogize the loss to that of a commodity that suffers a break and consequently losses value. As the hair thinned over the years (albeit at a slow rate) I have taken to wearing hats everywhere outside. I also wear a head bandana at the gym so when I do catch a reflection of myself in the mirror, I am not confronted with looking at my head with less hair. I used to not mind having pictures taken of me, now I usually shy away from them just so that I don’t have to see my head with less hair.

The hair loss has also affected the way I approach the world. I was never one to be overtly confident, but I usually was okay if the world was seeing my face. Now, I am more cautious when meeting people because I feel that the first thing they will notice is my thinning hair. My thoughts immediately turn to my looks and more specifically my hair when I have to meet a group of people or when I have to give a presentation. I especially dislike seeing friends or family that I have not seen in a few years because I know that they will undoubtedly notice the greater loss of hair that I have had from the previous time they have seen me. What am I afraid of? I fear that people will consider me ugly or less than another. I think that they may make fun of me in the same way that I was made fun of for being overweight and for being gay. I realize these are projections, but the acknowledgement does little to quay my mental histrionics. I also feel that my hair loss has made me a less viable dating option for other men. Although, I have always been attracted to bald men, I feel that the majority of gay men want men with a full head of hair. I have attributed the hair loss to men not finding me attractive. I often feel disempowered in the gay dating arena because of my hair loss. On line dating sites do nothing to assuage this notion, especially when I read profiles where men specifically state that they still have a “full head of hair”, or when profiles itemize everything but “bald” as being elements of attraction. When I read such things, I am not only filled with anger, fear and a forced arrogance that I try to muster from deep down, but I can also believe that these men are right. They have hair and can rightfully request (or demand) that those they date have hair too. There is a skewed sense of equity being played out. This faulty line of reasoning plays well in my sentiments of feeling “less than”. I know that the whole hair “thing” is yet another tool I use to berate my body image, but I cannot always easily reach for the brakes. Believe me, I realize that there are greater calamities in life than hair loss and I truly give some of my energies to those causes, but as I mentioned, I can’t break so easily from feeling quite down at times about the hair loss.

Can anyone relate? I would love to hear from you.

Be well,

MBI

(STRETCH MARKS to follow. . .)