ATTRACTION & THOUGHTS

As I previously mentioned, nothing fully prepared me for the inferiority I felt (and continue to feel – to some extent) when comparing myself to other men within the gay community. I am incessantly comparing myself to other men and feel as if I never measure up to those whose bodies are more toned, muscular and athletic. Emotions such as despair, anger, regret, sadness, and jealousy well up, drown me and also make it sometimes impossible to keep any clear perspective. When I see a good looking man, I immediately turn inward – reflect and come out feeling deflated. Thoughts are riddled and center themselves on how good the other guy looks and how I am inferior in every way. My thinking patterns of being “less than” the masculine men I am always comparing myself to have the tendency of taking me out of the “male” category and placing me into that of “female.” No – I don’t believe females are “less than” – I am just trying to elaborate on how the thinking process often undresses me, berates and scolds me physically, and ends almost but not quite emasculating me. I often feel not worthy enough to be considered a man.

The exaggerated emphasis the gay world places on have a toned and athletic body makes me feel as if I am always playing a game of “catch up.” I never feel entirely at the same level as another. Just when I feel as if I have made certain advancements in looking better, I am struck by another guy’s “perfection” and am thrust once again into a depressing abyss. The feelings of inferiority about my body often inhibit my ability to fully interact with gay men. Let me explain – while I am able to talk to them and carry on some level of interaction, I am acutely aware of their superior looks and am constantly having to dodge the harangues of inferior thoughts that are popping through my mind. I go to a place of self-judgment and it has me feeling depressed. This does not have to necessarily happen only during direct interactions. The thought process may occur when preparing to attend an event when I know other gay men will be. It seems that I have to prepare my mind with defenses against the onslaught of my own judgments. What is worse than feeling inadequate, is that I will also feel attracted to those guys that I feel are physically superior. This attraction stirs shame, turns me on and also causes internal anger. The shame stems from my internalized homophobia. The sexual turn originates from my natural feelings of attraction. And the anger is a result of being turned on by features that I believe are completely alien to my own physique. My attraction to toned and muscular bodies – I believe all the more validates my feelings of inferiority to not have one.

More on this tomorrow.

Can anyone relate? I would really like to know.

Stay well, MBI